Unlocking the power of emotional intimacy in your relationship

Emotional intimacy means feeling emotionally close, safe, and connected with your partner — and it’s one of the most important parts of a healthy relationship. In long-term partnerships, emotional intimacy helps you feel seen and supported.

Some people struggle to build emotional intimacy for various reasons, ranging from attachment style to past trauma. But the good news is that you can build emotional intimacy together. Many strategies, including couples therapy, can help you overcome barriers and build emotional intimacy. 

What emotional intimacy can look like

Emotional intimacy can look differently based on the nature of your relationship, as well as your familial and cultural background. For example, exchanging “I love you’s” and other words of affirmation regularly might be a sign of emotional intimacy in certain cultures, while cooking or caretaking can be a way to express intimacy in other cultures. It’s important to know what emotional intimacy looks like for you and talk about your expectations with your partner.

Emotional intimacy can look like any sign or behavior that increases the emotional well-being that you feel within your relationship. Examples include:

• You have meaningful conversations. You don’t just talk about day-to-day tasks and chores — you prioritize having meaningful conversations. And during these conversations, you both contribute and listen to one another.
• You laugh together. Research shows that laughing with your partner can reflect emotional closeness and improved relationship quality.
• You solve problems together. You don’t have to always agree, but you can approach problems as a team and work together toward solutions.
• You can count on them for emotional support. Your partner doesn’t need to be able to meet every one of your emotional needs. But it’s important in most relationships to feel like you can count on them in times of need.
• You feel like you can be yourself with them. Authenticity is an important sign of emotional closeness. You don’t feel like you have to hide parts of yourself or pretend to be someone you’re not.

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The impact of emotional intimacy on your relationship

Emotional intimacy can help keep your relationship strong over time. In one study, feelings of intimacy were related to continued sexual desire in long-term relationships. Intimacy was even more closely linked to sexual desire in women. 

But building emotional intimacy can have other benefits too, like: 

• Increased trust and safety
• Greater relationship satisfaction
• More fulfilling sexual connection
• Improved communication
• Easier conflict resolution
• Stronger sense of partnership and teamwork
• Reduced feelings of loneliness within the relationship

However, it’s not always easy for couples to build emotional intimacy. Barriers can include: 

• Avoidant attachment: People with avoidant attachment styles may struggle with vulnerability and closeness. You might find yourself pulling away when things feel too intimate or worrying about losing your independence in a relationship.
• Mental health conditions, like depression: Depression can make it difficult to connect emotionally with your partner — not because you don’t care, but because you may feel emotionally numb, withdrawn, or exhausted.
• Relationship trauma or negative past experiences: If you’ve been hurt in previous relationships, it can feel scary to open yourself up again. Emotional intimacy can trigger old fears or defensive behaviors.
• Not having had good role models: In research, people who were close to their parents during childhood and who had good role models for interpersonal relationships were more likely to experience intimacy. If you didn’t have that role model, building intimacy might be harder.

But even if these factors are relevant to you, it’s possible to overcome barriers and become emotionally closer to your partner.

Eight ways to build a deeper emotional connection

These strategies can help you build emotional intimacy and strengthen your relationship.

Share meaningful stories

It can be easy — especially in long-term relationships — for conversations to start revolving around mundane, everyday responsibilities. For example, you might only talk to discuss school pick-up times or grocery lists.

While it’s necessary to talk about these everyday topics, you can also try to have more meaningful conversations and share stories. You might talk about how something made you feel, share a memory from your childhood, or reflect on something you’ve learned recently. If you are on the receiving end of a story, take time to give your partner your full attention. Acknowledging their story, asking open-ended questions, and following up with parallel ones can deepen connection. These types of conversations create emotional closeness and help your partner know and understand you more deeply.

Use words of affirmation

Words of affirmation play different roles in different relationships — especially depending on cultural context. But for many couples, it’s an important way to show each other how much you care.

Words of affirmation can look differently for every couple. For some, it might be writing a meaningful letter on important dates. For others, it might just be an “I love you” before hanging up the phone. Regardless of what works for you, verbally expressing how much you care for each other can change the tone of your relationship.

Laugh together

A study found that shared laughter plays a key role in emotional connection. Humor helps couples feel emotionally closer.

To laugh together more, consider watching a comedy show you both enjoy, sending each other funny memes, or just reminiscing about funny memories. Laughter doesn’t have to be forced. Just finding small moments of joy together can help strengthen your bond.

Deepen your self-awareness

Being able to be authentic with your partner is one of the most important ways to build emotional intimacy. But it’s hard to be authentic when you don’t fully know yourself.

Self-awareness means understanding your emotions, needs, values, and triggers. When you know these things, you’re more equipped to communicate them to your partner clearly and kindly. You can build self-awareness through therapy, journaling, or simply taking time to reflect.

Schedule intentional time to check in

Life gets busy, and it can be hard to find the time to spend quality time together. Many couples benefit from intentionally scheduling time to check in and work on building emotional intimacy. You might sit down once a week with no distractions and ask each other open-ended questions like, “How have you been feeling lately?” or, “What can I do to support you better right now?”

Even just 15 minutes of intentional connection can make a difference.

Express appreciation

Research shows that expressing gratitude toward your partner — and feeling like they’re responsive to you when you show them gratitude — is linked to better relationship satisfaction.

Try to intentionally show gratitude toward your partner for the little things you appreciate. It could be thanking them for making dinner, picking up something from the store you forgot, or being emotionally supportive. A simple “thank you” can make them feel more appreciated and increase the closeness you feel with them.

Create connection rituals

Creating rituals can be another powerful way to build emotional intimacy. And they don’t have to be complicated. It could be something like making coffee together every morning, always eating dinner together at the table, or going grocery shopping together every Sunday. These rituals give you built-in time to connect and create shared meaning in your life together.

Consider couples therapy

Not every couple needs couples therapy to establish emotional intimacy. However, it can be a helpful way to set aside time to work out conflict and set goals for your relationship. Couples therapy may be especially beneficial if you and your partner have grown distant or have had a hard time building emotional intimacy.

Individual therapy can also make a difference if you have trauma that prevents you from feeling close to people you care about. You deserve to feel emotional closeness in your relationship. A therapist can help you understand what might be standing in the way and develop emotional intimacy in a way that feels safe and realistic for you.

Find care with Rula

Emotional intimacy is one of the most meaningful parts of a close relationship. It can help you and your partner feel deeply connected, supported through life’s challenges, and even boost your own sense of security. But if you’ve found it’s hard to connect with a partner, therapy can help. 

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

Find a provider with Rula