Signs you have a fear of intimacy and how to overcome it

Emotional intimacy is the sense of closeness and trust that allows people to share their true thoughts and feelings with someone else. It helps you feel safe being yourself and builds deeper connections with friends, family, and romantic partners.

Fear of intimacy happens when this kind of closeness feels uncomfortable or even threatening. People with this fear may withdraw from others, avoid vulnerability, or struggle to trust — even when they want close relationships. 

The good news is that this fear can be overcome. With time, self-awareness, and support, it’s possible to become more comfortable with closeness and build stronger, healthier relationships.

What causes fear of intimacy issues?

Many people struggle with intimacy because of past experiences. These experiences can shape how safe or unsafe closeness feels. 

Common causes include:

• Childhood emotional neglect: Growing up with parents or caregivers who didn’t respond to your emotional needs can lead to an insecure attachment style. This can create a belief that it’s not safe to be vulnerable or openly express emotions.

• Childhood trauma or abuse: Experiencing abuse or neglect early in life can make it harder to trust others and form close, lasting bonds later on.

• Painful adult relationships: Being betrayed, rejected, or abandoned in past relationships can lead to fear of being hurt again, making emotional closeness feel risky.

At their core, intimacy issues are often defense mechanisms that once helped you feel safe. The good news is that it’s possible to recognize the defenses that no longer serve you — like avoiding intimacy — and replace them with healthier ways to build meaningful connections.

Seven signs you may have a fear of intimacy

A fear of intimacy can take many forms. But there are some common signs that you may have some challenges with intimacy.

Some signs you may have trouble with intimacy include:

1. Surface-level bonds: You prefer surface-level connections and have more acquaintances than close friends.

2. Serial dating: You’re a “serial dater,” and you tend to move on from romantic relationships when things start to get serious.

3. Discomfort with closeness: You become uncomfortable when people try to get to know you on a deeper level.

4. Avoidance: You avoid conversations around topics of emotional closeness (For example, talking about your childhood, your emotions, or your fears).

5. Distrust: You struggle to trust others, even when you don’t have evidence that they’re untrustworthy.

6. Self-sabotage: You tend to do things to sabotage relationships when it feels like someone is getting “too close.”

7. Fear of rejection: You have a deep fear of rejection or abandonment that keeps you from bringing your full self to your relationships.

How to overcome your fear of intimacy

Fear of intimacy can make it hard to form close friendships, build healthy romantic relationships, or feel connected to family. The good news is that it’s not permanent. With time and practice, you can learn to feel safer with closeness and build stronger connections.

Some strategies to overcome fear of intimacy are:

• Explore the root cause with a therapist. Work with a mental health professional who understands relationships and attachment. They can help you uncover where your fear of intimacy comes from and guide you in slowly becoming more comfortable with closeness.

• Build self-awareness through reflection. Journaling can help you better understand your thoughts and patterns around intimacy. Write about which situations make you want to pull away or shut down. Try sharing these insights with a trusted friend or therapist.

• Practice small steps toward closeness. Start by letting people see small parts of your real self. Share something personal in conversation or spend more time with someone you trust. Gradual steps can make closeness feel less overwhelming.

• Strengthen your communication skills. Good communication builds safety. Practice listening actively, stating your needs clearly, and setting healthy boundaries. This helps create relationships where you feel secure enough to stay close.

• Use calming strategies to manage fear. When closeness makes you feel anxious, pause and use calming tools like deep breathing, grounding exercises, or short breaks. These tools help you stay present instead of pulling away.

Overcoming fear of intimacy takes time, but every small step toward closeness can help you build stronger, more fulfilling relationships.

Three ways to support someone with intimacy issues

One of the most challenging truths about intimacy is that it always requires some level of emotional risk. We have to trust that when we’re open and vulnerable, the other person will support and accept us anyway. This can be a scary thing to do, so if you’re in a relationship with someone with intimacy issues, remember to have patience with them. They’re likely doing their best to feel close to you.

There are some things you can do to support them in their efforts.

1. Keep a “balanced distance.” If you feel like your friend, loved one, or partner is pushing you away, remember that it might be hard for them to accept that they’re worthy of your love and attention. Do your best to practice what experts call a “balanced distance.” Try not to react to their distancing by getting angry. Instead, give them some space, but don’t withdraw completely. Remind them that you care about them no matter what and you’ll be there when they want to talk.

2. Acknowledge, but don’t force. Remember that it’s okay to acknowledge when intimacy issues are causing problems in your relationship. Let the person know that you aren’t feeling connected, but try not to force a discussion if they’re not ready. When they’re ready to talk about improving the relationship, remind them that this is something you can work on together, and allow them to set the pace.

3. Seek expert support. If you’ve tried to improve the intimacy in your relationship but you feel stuck, therapy may help. You could consider doing separate, individual therapy to process any issues that have contributed to fears around intimacy. You can also attend couples counseling with your partner to work on intimacy as a team.

Clinician's take

Working through a fear of intimacy in therapy can feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s often where the deepest healing begins. Each step you take toward vulnerability is a step toward safer, more fulfilling connections.

Brandy Chalmers, LPC

Clinical reviewer

Find care with Rula

Often, a fear of intimacy can make it hard to develop and maintain meaningful relationships. So if you or someone you care about is having trouble forming meaningful connections with friends and loved ones, know that help is available.

With Rula, you get immediate access to a therapist-matching program that you can use to connect with an in-network therapist in just a few clicks. Whether you need individual therapy, couples therapy, or both, we make it easy to find the support you need. Plus, our diverse network of over 15,000 therapists means you can schedule your first appointment as soon as tomorrow.