Understanding insecurity — and how to rebuild your confidence

Everyone feels insecure from time to time. It’s a normal feeling that can signal you’re not confident in a situation or you lack certain skills. But sometimes insecurity can get the best of us. It might make you feel like there’s something “wrong” with you, leading you to question your capabilities, relationships, or beliefs. This can impact your confidence in a variety of ways, from completing tasks at work, self-esteem, to interacting with friends.

If insecurity is a frequent issue in your life, know there are ways to rebuild your confidence. First, it can be helpful to understand the roots of your insecurity. Then, you can dismantle limiting beliefs you might hold about yourself and cultivate confidence in yourself.

Signs of insecurity

Certain life events may bring about insecurity. For example, if you’ve just experienced a layoff, you might feel more unsure of yourself while applying and interviewing for jobs  — or avoid applying at all. Or if you recently experienced a breakup, it could take some time before you feel ready to ask someone on a date.

Insecurity may come through in your body language. Signs of insecurity typically include:

• Avoiding eye contact

• Talking quietly or in a trembling voice

• Frequently questioning your partner’s behaviors

• Requiring constant reassurance

• Criticizing yourself excessively

• Overthinking your decisions

• Never apologizing for your mistakes

• Avoiding socialization or isolating yourself

Perfectionism can also disguise insecurity. On the surface, perfectionism can mean you produce excellent work and constantly strive for better. But you may also never forgive yourself for your mistakes or recognize your accomplishments.

What’s causing your insecurity?

Examining the roots of your insecurity can help you overcome it. Some common reasons for insecurity could include:

• Bullying: If you were bullied in school or at work, you might hold negative beliefs about your worth and abilities.

• Family conditioning: The environment you grew up in can create the blueprint for your life. If your parents or caregivers harshly criticized you — or were abusive or neglectful — your self-esteem might suffer, even if you’re well into adulthood.

• Learning disabilities: Being diagnosed with a learning disability can make you feel like you’re not as smart as your peers. Children with learning disabilities often have issues with self-confidence.

• Betrayals: You might feel insecure in relationships or have trust issues if you’ve experienced betrayal or infidelity.

• Past setbacks: If you have a setback, like losing a job or falling short of accomplishing a goal, you might lose confidence in yourself.

• Trauma: Trauma can negatively affect how you think about yourself. For instance, you might falsely believe that you’re incompetent or “damaged.”

How does insecurity affect mental health?

Insecurity can have a ripple effect on your mental health, potentially leading to depression and anxiety. It can also contribute to developing an eating disorder. In fact, research shows that people with lower self-esteem were more likely to be treated for eating disorders.

Unaddressed insecurity can also develop into narcissistic personality disorder. While people with this condition usually display an exaggerated sense of superiority over others, this egotistical behavior is usually a mask to cover their insecurities. People with narcissistic personality disorder also tend to be very sensitive to rejection and criticism.

Attachment styles can also influence how secure you feel. It’s thought that the early care you received from your parents or caregivers strongly dictate how secure you feel in your relationships as an adult.

If you received consistent and affectionate care, you probably feel confident the people in your life are going to stick around. On the other hand, if your caregivers didn’t meet your emotional needs or weren’t around, you might feel anxious that the people closest to you will disappear.

Meeting your insecurity head on is a journey, but it can make you feel happier and more confident.

Overcoming your insecurities

It’s probably impossible to never feel insecure. It’s part of the human experience that can help redirect us when we’re on the wrong path. But it is possible to lessen insecurity if it’s affecting your self-esteem.

Here are a few ways you can address insecurity and strengthen your relationship to yourself and others:

• Talk to yourself like you would a friend. We’re often our own harshest critics. If you notice you’re being too hard on yourself, imagine what you’d say to a friend. Then, redirect that compassionate, loving energy back toward yourself.

• Try journaling. Journaling can help us recognize the thoughts we have and the ones that work against us. You might notice negative thought patterns as you write. Try to replace them with positive ones that build you up.

• Get an outside perspective. Ask a loved one what they like about you. Write these down, and keep this list handy for when you feel insecure.

• Make a list of your accomplishments. Do an inventory of your life and write down the accomplishments you’re proud of — whether that be helping a friend through a tough time or accomplishing a goal even when there were setbacks.

• Be gentle with yourself. It can be challenging to overcome insecurity or address negative thought patterns in the moment. That’s natural. Adjusting your behaviors and beliefs takes time and persistence.

• Work with a therapist: Professional support can help you recognize your worth. Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) is an approach to therapy focused on building self-awareness and self-compassion. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can also be helpful to navigate insecurity. This type of talk therapy involves recognizing and transforming unhelpful and destructive thought patterns.

Clinican's take

Feeling insecure about yourself can greatly impact how you behave. You may not go for a promotion due to feeling unqualified, despite meeting and exceeding expectations. You may struggle with setting boundaries and allow others to get their needs met over yours. If you notice that your feelings about yourself are holding you back, getting professional support can help you with confidence.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer

Find care with Rula

Insecurity is normal. But if your thoughts often wander to, “I’m messing everything up,” or, “I bet everyone hates me,” it may be time to seek support. You deserve to feel good about yourself.

With Rula, you have access to over 15,000 providers and can easily connect with a therapist as soon as tomorrow. You can also connect with a psychiatrist if you’d like to explore medication management as part of your treatment.