Navigating metamour relationships

In the world of polyamory, the term “metamour” is used to describe a partner’s partner. For example, let’s say your husband has a boyfriend. That boyfriend would be your metamour. 

Relationships between metamours can range in closeness. A metamour can become a dear friend and a fulfilling addition to your life. But that isn’t always the case. There can be conflict and frustration between metamours. Sometimes, managing these additional dynamics can be challenging.

If you’re having trouble navigating your relationship with a metamour, it doesn’t mean that you can’t be successfully polyamorous. Remember, you’re in a relationship structure you may not have seen modeled growing up. And there’s no instruction manual for metamour relationships.

But in taking time to explore them, you can learn to handle tension and show up more comfortably in your relationships.

What kind of metamour relationship are you supposed to have?

When it comes to metamours, there’s no one-size-fits-all model that works for everyone. Some metamours become close friends, and others remain polite acquaintances. Sometimes, there’s no contact whatsoever. There’s no rule that says you have to be friends with your metamour. You get to decide the type of metamour relationship that works best for you. 

Here are some versions to consider:

• Kitchen-table poly: You’d be comfortable sitting down and sharing a meal with your metamour, or possibly even living together.

• Lap-sitting poly: All of the aspects of kitchen-table poly with the addition of deep closeness. You may be romantically or sexually involved with your partner’s meta or even close friends.

• Garden-party poly: You don’t see your metamour often, but you’re comfortable coming together to celebrate big life events.

• Parallel poly: You don’t see or interact with your metamour very often — either due to logistics, preferences, or both.

Tips for meeting your metamour

Think of a metamour like a member of your partner’s family. You might be nervous to meet them, and this is normal. It’s often a big step, and it’s OK to feel a little emotional or insecure. You might worry about comparison or being replaced. You may not have shared values or interests with your metamour. But having a metamour is often part of being polyamorous. Creating a respectful, cordial relationship with defined boundaries is usually best for everyone involved. 

If you’re meeting a metamour for the first time, some tips to make it a positive experience include: 

• Pick the right time and place. Make sure it’s a location where everyone is comfortable and no one will feel rushed. You might want to consider meeting at a restaurant, park, coffee shop, or other “neutral” territory at first.

• Come prepared with questions. You don’t need to grill your metamour with questions. But you can demonstrate care by asking them about themselves and their interests.

• Talk about preferences. Having some ground rules (sometimes called a “metamour bill of rights”) can help align expectations. You can bring this idea up during this meeting. But know that it might take some time to find what works for your relationship.

• Prepare for mixed reactions. If your metamour isn’t ready to meet (or vice versa), that’s OK. It might sting a little or feel like a rejection. But again, there’s no rule that says metamours must be friends. Different people are allowed to have different levels of closeness with their metamours. 

How to be a good metamour — without forcing a friendship

At a basic level, you can be a good metamour by being polite and demonstrating respect. You might become close to your metamour, even hanging out without your shared partner. But that isn’t a fit for everyone. 

Either way, it’s important to demonstrate emotional maturity in your metamour relationships. Consider these questions for how you’d like to show up in your relationship dynamic:

• How would you all like to navigate interpartner conflict? If your partner and your metamour are in a disagreement, is it best to stay neutral or are you expected to be a sounding board? Exploring what everyone feels comfortable with can help provide clarity ahead of time. 

• How would you like to handle jealousy and cultivate authentic happiness? For some polyamorous relationships, setting ground rules, like being in the know when your partner and meta will spend time together, can reduce surprise feelings of jealousy. Discussing this as a group can help with trust and genuine joy. 

• What’s the best way for all parties to respect their own needs and everyone else’s? You can avoid self-abandonment by staying true to your needs, wants, and boundaries in your relationships. Communication can be essential for making space for everyone’s needs.

When your metamour is toxic, abusive, or triggering

In a perfect world, we’d all get along with our metamours without issue. But human beings and relationships are complex. Your partner may choose to be in a relationship with someone who engages in unhealthy behavior. Depending on your dynamic with your partner, you may or may not have “veto power” over their other relationships. 

Seeing someone you care about in a relationship with someone who’s toxic can be a difficult experience. You may wonder if you should step in or how to set the right boundary in this situation. You might also wonder if what you’re feeling is the result of witnessing red-flag behavior or due to insecurity. Only you can answer these questions. But below are some things to keep in mind.

If you’re polyamorous, you can still say “no” to certain behaviors 

If someone (your partner or metamour) is doing something that violates your preferences, it’s OK to assert a boundary. For example, you can say something like, “I respect your relationship with [name], but when they [define the behavior], it makes me feel [state the emotion]. So when they’re around, I’m going to choose to be somewhere else.”

If you’re feeling undermined by your metamour, take some time to reflect 

Explore how you’re feeling and assess the intent behind the situation. For example, do they call or text your partner whenever they know you’re with them? If this was an agreed upon “rule” and they are breaking it, this could be a red flag. 

But if it seems that  your metamour isn’t stepping out of line and you still feel uneasy, this could be an opportunity to examine your emotions. Whether this is done through journaling, open dialogue with your partner or metamour, or even through professional support, this insight can help you better understand what’s coming up for you. 

If your relationship with your metamour is creating conflict, ask for help 

There’s no perfect blueprint for polyamory. This is a relationship style that most people didn’t see growing up. So there are bound to be some bumps along the way, and that’s OK. Polyamorous couples therapists can help you with communication and problem-solving so everyone feels seen, supported, and heard.

Clinican's take

Feelings like jealousy, insecurity, or even unexpected fondness can arise with metamours, often from deeper attachment patterns and vulnerabilities. Many people are surprised to learn that navigating metamour relationships can be just as much about self-growth and emotional insight as it’s about managing logistics or boundaries.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer

Find care with Rula

Setting healthy boundaries and expectations with metamours can create a more positive experience. Sometimes, having a metamour can bring up complicated feelings. But with open communication and help from a polyamorous couple's therapist, you and your partner(s) can navigate your challenges together.

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