Naming and understanding humiliation instead of pushing it away can reduce its intensity and make it easier to manage.
Exposure to small risks of embarrassment helps you rebuild confidence and prevents fear of humiliation from taking over your life.
Supportive relationships and therapy can make recovery easier, especially if humiliation is being used against you in an abusive situation.
Most of us have felt humiliated at least once in our lives. Humiliation tends to go further than simple embarrassment — it’s linked to other uncomfortable emotions like shame and guilt.
If you live with a condition like social anxiety disorder (SAD), you might be even more likely to experience humiliation on a regular basis. Some may try to intentionally humiliate you as a means of control or harm. This can be a form of abuse and should be taken seriously.*
But the fear of humiliation doesn’t need to hold you back from being your full self and doing things you love. Here are eight tips on how to deal with humiliation, so you’re able to bounce back and move forward with confidence.
*If you’re facing immediate safety concerns, contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline website or call 800-799-SAFE (7233) for confidential assistance.
1. Name it
It can help to put a name to the emotion when you’re feeling humiliated. Humiliation is uncomfortable, so it’s natural to want to immediately push it away or shut it down. But pushing down emotions rarely makes them go away and might even make humiliation worse.
Start by noticing, and owning, your humiliation. Try to understand what immediately triggered it — especially if someone is intentionally trying to make you feel this way. Remember that it’s OK to feel this way. Notice the emotion without judging yourself for it. Building a strong mindfulness practice can help with this.
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2. Connect with common humanity
According to researcher Kristin Neff, one of the elements of self-compassion is connecting to shared humanity. In other words, remember that almost everyone has faced humiliation at some point. It’s a common human experience. Try to allow the emotion to connect you with other people who’ve felt humiliated, instead of allowing it to make you feel alone.
When you remember that humiliation is a natural human emotion, it may become easier to accept.
3. Understand the root causes
It can also help to understand what’s causing the feeling of humiliation, whether it’s immediate triggers or deeper underlying reasons or memories. Deeper reasons for feeling humiliated might include:
Mental health conditions like depression or anxiety disorders
Neurodevelopmental conditions like attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
Once you understand what could be behind your emotions, you can start to address them.
It’s also important to understand the difference between feeling humiliated and being humiliated. We might feel humiliated after an embarrassing event, like tripping in front of a group of people.
But being humiliated is an intentional act perpetrated against you by someone else. For example, humiliation is often linked with emotionally abusive relationships. Abusive partners often use humiliation to degrade and control. This can sound like someone nicknaming you ‘clumsy’ and repeatedly bringing up the time you tripped, even after you asked them to stop.
4. Expose yourself to triggers
Once you’ve felt humiliated, it can be easy to develop a fear of it happening again. But this fear can prevent you from fully moving on and rebuilding confidence. It might hold you back in pursuing your goals or showing up as your most authentic self.
Little by little, expose yourself to situations where you risk being embarrassed or humiliated. According to exposure therapy, it’s often a good idea to start slow. First put yourself in situations where the risk of humiliation is present but low. Then, you can move on to scarier situations.
For example, if you blanked out and forgot what you were saying during your presentation at work, you may feel the urge to never present again. For the next time, make notes to refer back to. Over time, you may gain the confidence to go note-free again.
Continuing to put yourself out there and facing vulnerability can make sure you don’t get stuck after having a humiliating experience.
5. Take accountability and forgive yourself
Sometimes, humiliation can show up because you know you’ve done something wrong. For example, if you hurt someone you love, you might feel ashamed and humiliated because of your behavior. Holding yourself accountable can help you feel less ashamed and humiliated over time. On the other hand, dodging the responsibility or continually making excuses could make your humiliation and shame even worse.
But it’s also important to forgive yourself. Making a mistake, even if you hurt someone else, doesn’t make you an unworthy or bad person.
6. Challenge irrational thoughts
When you’re facing humiliation, you might have thoughts that are both untrue and unhelpful. These can sound like:
“Nobody is ever going to forget this. I’m never going to recover.”
“This mistake will erase any accomplishment I’ve had before.”
“I should’ve known better. I’m such an idiot.”
“No one will love me anymore after this.”
“This is my fault for letting things get this far.”
When you notice yourself having thoughts like this, try to recognize them for what they are: cognitive distortions. Remember that when under stress, your brain can come up with things that aren’t true. Instead, acknowledge the negative thoughts, consider what evidence you have to prove them, and replace them with more helpful ones.
For example, a reframe might sound like, “This is embarrassing. People are focused on it now, but they’ll move on. This one thing doesn’t define my life.”
7. Surround yourself with supportive people
When feeling humiliated, it can help to reach out to people in your life who you can count on. People who know and love you can look past your mistakes and remind you of the person you truly are. Even if you’re feeling humiliated by everyone else, your core support system can remind you of your strengths and ability to recover.
If you’re in an abusive situation in which humiliation is being used against you, your support network is even more essential.
8. Get mental health support
Feeling humiliated after an embarrassing mistake is normal. But if the humiliation lingers, or if the fear of it happening again starts to get in the way of your daily life, it could be a good idea to talk to a therapist.
A therapist can help you explore the root causes of humiliation and challenge unhelpful thoughts. They can also help you develop strategies when this emotion comes up again. Additionally, a therapist can serve as a key source of support if you’re in an abusive relationship and help you rebuild your self-esteem.
When someone feels stuck in humiliation, I encourage them to focus on separating the event from their identity. What happened may have been painful, but it doesn’t define who they are. Reclaiming that distinction is often the first step toward self-compassion and emotional freedom.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Clinical reviewer
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Humiliation can be painful, but it doesn’t have to define you. By naming your feelings, understanding where they come from, and leaning on your support systems, you can begin to heal and move forward. Therapy is one way to have someone on your side as you do this work.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
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Saya Des Marais
Saya graduated with her Master in Social Work (MSW) with a concentration in mental health from the University of Southern California in 2010. She formerly worked as a therapist and motivational interviewing trainer in community clinics, public schools, mental health startups, and more.
Her writing has been featured in FORTUNE, GoodRX, PsychCentral, and dozens of mental health apps and therapy websites. Through both her clinical work and her personal OCD diagnosis, she’s learned the importance of making empathetic and accurate mental health content available online.
She lives in Portland, Oregon but you can find her almost just as often in Mexico or in her birthplace, Tokyo.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Ashley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in generational healing and family dynamics. Ashley has worked in schools, clinics, and in private practice. She believes that people’s relationships, including our relationship with ourselves, greatly shape our experiences in life.
Ashley is committed to empowering others to show up authentically and deepen their self understanding. This passion stems from taking a critical lens on her own life story and doing inner healing. One of her favorite quotes is “Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.”
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