Name-calling in relationships can be a form of verbal or emotional abuse, even when framed as a “joke.”
Hurtful language often reflects deeper issues, like anger, contempt, or a lack of communication skills.
It’s possible to break the cycle of insults and build healthier communication through boundaries, self-reflection, and professional support.
Name-calling in a relationship is harmful and can often be a form of verbal abuse. Sometimes names are used playfully or as a “joke.” But if the person on the receiving end isn’t comfortable, it’s hurtful. Name-calling can also be a sign of anger, disdain, or another emotion that needs to be addressed.
Often, name-calling is a relationship red flag. If your partner is calling you names, know that you deserve love and respect — and it’s OK to tell them to stop. It’s possible to find healthier ways to communicate that don’t resort to name-calling or insults. Couples therapy can help you express your feelings, build conflict-resolution skills, or decide if it’s time to leave the relationship altogether.
A note on safety: If your relationship has become abusive or you feel unsafe, help is available. Call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE, text START to 88788, or chat with an advocate online.
What name-calling looks like in a relationship
Name-calling within a relationship can come in a wide range of behaviors. Some couples may use harmless name-calling as part of playful banter. But often, name-calling is an abusive behavior that causes serious harm in the relationship.
Name-calling can look like:
Directly insulting your partner using derogatory language
Using belittling labels like “lazy,” “stupid,” or “crazy”
Mocking your partner’s appearance, abilities, or personality
Continuing to use mean nicknames even after your partner has expressed discomfort or hurt
Comparing your partner to someone else in a hurtful way, like, “You’re just like your father,” or, “Why can’t you be more like them?”
Sarcastically using exaggerated names meant to humiliate or demean, like “drama queen” or “crybaby”
Calling someone a “failure” or “loser” due to past mistakes
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What’s beneath the constant name-calling?
Name-calling is often a sign of covert emotional abuse. In some cases, it may point toward overt abuse, in which the intention to harm and control is clear.
Explore these reasons why name-calling might be showing up in your relationship:
Anger: Often, name-calling comes from difficulty managing anger. A person may blow up at their partner and call them mean names out of anger. They may be remorseful afterward but continue to have a hard time managing their emotions.
Contempt: According to the Gottman Method (a widely used method of couples therapy), contempt is the most destructive pattern in relationships. Contempt causes partners to feel dismissed, disrespected, and unloved. Some people may insult their partners because they feel contempt for them.
To assert power: Some people may use name-calling as a way to assert power and control within the relationship. Name-calling can negatively impact the partner’s self-esteem, which might make it seem like they’re easier to control.
Revenge: Sometimes, name-calling can feel like a tool to hurt your partner after they’ve hurt you. You might want revenge, even if you know that’s not healthy or constructive.
Lack of communication skills: Some people resort to insults because they don’t know how to express anger or disappointment in healthier ways. Without the tools to communicate clearly, they may rely on name-calling as a shortcut.
Learned behavior: Some people might use name-calling because that’s what they’ve learned from observing others. For example, maybe they grew up with parents who constantly insulted each other. They might’ve believed from a young age that insults were a normal way to resolve conflict.
Regardless of the reasons why, name calling is still harmful and you don’t need to accept it. You should feel safe and loved within any of your relationships. If you’re doing the name calling, it can be helpful to understand the reasons why so that you can work on them and stop.
Damaging impacts of insulting your partner
Even if the person doing the name-calling says it’s just a joke or that they’re trying to be helpful, it can still be hurtful. What matters most is how the person on the receiving end feels. Continuing to call your partner names when they’re uncomfortable is abusive and hurtful.
Name-calling has serious impacts on a relationship. It can:
Destroy trust and safety
Prevent emotional intimacy
Lower self-esteem
Cause conflict and fighting
Lead to a cycle of resentment
Create a toxic environment
Lead to a breakup or divorce
What you can do about name-calling
If you’re experiencing name-calling in your relationship, it’s important to address the issue and break the cycle right away. Some couples like to tease each other using playful nicknames. This can be OK if you’re both completely comfortable with it. You can check in with your partner about how you both feel using nicknames to gauge their comfort.
If name-calling is done out of anger, or the person on the receiving end is hurt or uncomfortable, you can break the pattern and find healthier ways to communicate:
Talk about it
Address the issue directly. Tell your partner exactly how the name-calling makes you feel, even if you believe they’re saying it as a joke. They may not understand the negative impact these words have on you.
You might say something like, “It really hurts me when you call me that. I know you say you’re only joking, but that doesn’t change how it makes me feel. I want us to have fun together, but name-calling isn’t something I’m comfortable with.”
Stick to your boundaries
If name-calling has gone too far in your relationship, it’s important to set and stick to boundaries.
This might include leaving the relationship if that feels right to you. Staying in a relationship where name-calling continues after you’ve asked for them to stop can cause more harm over time. It’s OK to decide that you won’t accept being spoken to this way.
If you do decide to stay and work on the relationship, boundaries are still key. What’s a deal-breaker for you? Have a plan to directly address the behavior, and make it clear what will happen if your boundaries are broken.
Figure out the root cause
If you’re the person resorting to name-calling, practice self-reflection and try to learn more about what’s causing this behavior.
For instance, is it a learned behavior based on what you witnessed as a child? Are there unspoken frustrations or resentment in your relationship? Maybe you have relationship trauma that’s resulting in this behavior.
Whatever the root cause, these aren’t excuses for abuse. It’s essential that you’re honest with yourself and commit to addressing this issue. It may be worth reaching out to a therapist for support.
Work on communication skills
Often, name-calling happens because of a lack of communication skills. One or both partners might not know how to express anger and frustration in other ways. This can be especially true if you didn’t have a good role model for how to have healthy communication within relationships.
The good news: Communication is a skill that can be practiced and learned. If you commit to learning how to talk to one another without insults and name-calling, it’s possible to change.
Get support
A therapist can help you address the underlying causes of name-calling and learn how to resolve conflict with mutual trust, safety, and love. Therapy can also help you explore the underlying cause for name-calling, like childhood trauma. Couples counseling can help both of you rebuild trust, practice new skills, and reconnect in healthier ways.
One subtle way name-calling erodes emotional safety is that it plants quiet doubts about being respected or valued. Even if it’s brushed off as a joke or said in the heat of the moment, over time it can chip away at trust and create distance. That’s because the relationship no longer feels like a safe place to be fully open.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Clinical reviewer
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Name-calling in relationships isn’t harmless. It can be a red flag for deeper issues, like contempt, anger, or emotional abuse. Whether you’re the one name-calling or on the receiving end, know that it’s possible to stop the cycle and create healthier communication patterns.
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Saya Des Marais
Saya graduated with her Master in Social Work (MSW) with a concentration in mental health from the University of Southern California in 2010. She formerly worked as a therapist and motivational interviewing trainer in community clinics, public schools, mental health startups, and more.
Her writing has been featured in FORTUNE, GoodRX, PsychCentral, and dozens of mental health apps and therapy websites. Through both her clinical work and her personal OCD diagnosis, she’s learned the importance of making empathetic and accurate mental health content available online.
She lives in Portland, Oregon but you can find her almost just as often in Mexico or in her birthplace, Tokyo.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Ashley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in generational healing and family dynamics. Ashley has worked in schools, clinics, and in private practice. She believes that people’s relationships, including our relationship with ourselves, greatly shape our experiences in life.
Ashley is committed to empowering others to show up authentically and deepen their self understanding. This passion stems from taking a critical lens on her own life story and doing inner healing. One of her favorite quotes is “Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.”
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