Healthy relationships thrive with a balance of being together and alone time.
Everyone has their own needs when it comes to alone time, and yours might not always match up with your partner’s. Clear communication is key to ensure your needs are met.
A therapist can help you establish boundaries, communicate effectively, and foster emotional intimacy.
For many people, companionship is an important aspect of a relationship. A healthy relationship might include quality time together, shared interests, and providing each other with consistent support. But this doesn’t lessen the importance of alone time in a relationship.
You might wonder if it’s normal to want time to yourself. Spending time alone is healthy and necessary in a relationship — and it doesn’t mean you care about your partner any less. But asking for alone time or accepting your partner’s need for space can be challenging. You may need to adjust your expectations of the relationship. A therapist can help you process your relationships and figure out how to balance both your and your partner’s needs.
How honoring alone time strengthens your relationship
Needing alone time isn’t necessarily a red flag in a relationship.
In fact, spending too much time together can make you and your partner take each other for granted. It could also lead to an enmeshed relationship, which can happen when a couple becomes too dependent on each other. Or you may find yourself fighting more, which can lower relationship satisfaction.
It might seem contradictory, but taking time to yourself can actually strengthen your bond with your partner. You’ll have time to focus on your identity outside of your relationship, which can nurture your mental health and sense of self. And when you do spend time with your partner, you have the energy to invest more in your relationship.
At the same time, spending too much time apart can result in resentment or emotional distance. Balance is key and can contribute to a healthy romantic relationship. And remember, every relationship is different. Some couples might need more alone time than others, and that’s OK. What’s most important is learning how to communicate your needs effectively in a relationship.
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Why you and your partner may recharge differently
It can be tricky to know how to ask for alone time in a relationship. You might worry that your partner may feel offended or get upset by this request. But know that you deserve time to recharge by yourself when you need it.
Depending on your personality and your partner’s, you each might have different ideas of how much alone time is needed. You might be an introvert who craves time spent alone. Or you may have avoidant attachment, which may have taught you that closeness in your relationship is unsafe. Conversely, your partner may want to spend a lot of time with you because of their relationship separation anxiety — affecting more than 4 in 10 adults — or anxious attachment.
Even if you and your partner have different needs for alone time, it’s possible to set realistic expectations and spend alone time in a way that supports both partners.
Setting healthy boundaries around alone time, together
Finding the right balance of alone time and time together might take some time, so don’t be afraid to overcommunicate or experiment with different approaches. Couples therapy can also help you discover what healthy boundaries your relationship needs.
These steps can help you strike the right balance:
Ask for alone time with compassion
You might wonder how to tell your partner you need alone time. It might be helpful to think about what you get from your alone time. Maybe it helps you to better emotionally regulate, balance the busyness of your life, or practice solo hobbies.
Whatever your reasons, it’s possible to communicate them with kindness to your partner. You might say something like, “I recharge when I spend time for myself. It helps me come back to our time together with more energy and focus.”
Find the right time to talk about it
How you talk about something is sometimes as important as when you talk about it. For example, it probably wouldn’t be very effective to tell your partner you need consistent alone time in the middle of an argument.
Ideally, find a time when both of you feel emotionally connected and can be alone. You might start with, “I want to carve out some time today to connect and talk. Let me know if you are open and available.”
Be prepared for their response
Everyone is different. Your partner may be elated that you’re bringing this up. Maybe they feel the same way but haven’t found the right moment to start the conversation. Or they might feel like you’re trying to end the relationship. You know your partner best and how they might react to this conversation.
It can help to have a clear goal and be open to hearing them out. Becoming reactive or defensive may happen from either side, so making sure to listen to each other's points can be valuable during this time.
If your partner responds negatively to your request, you can provide them with reassurance. This might sound something like, “My alone time isn’t about anything you did or how I feel about you. It’s purely for my own well-being.”
Learn to embrace alone time
If you’re on the other end of the spectrum and don’t feel like you need alone time, this might be something to explore. It may be unrealistic to expect that your partner will be available to you in the same cadence that you need them.
The good news is that alone time is something you can learn to enjoy through practice. For instance, it can be helpful to write some things down that you know you’d like to do by yourself. Consider going for a quiet solo walk in nature, sit in your favorite coffee shop with a book, or spend a few hours doing some self-care.
If the thought of spending time alone makes you feel stressed or upset, talking to a therapist could help.
Work with a therapist
Therapy can be an important part of a healthy relationship. A therapist can help you process your past relationships and triggers that may influence your need for alone time. If your partner is open to it, you may also consider couples therapy to improve communication, trust, and emotional intimacy.
The key is recognizing that alone time is an important part of a relationship and supporting your mental health.
Alone time is vital for connection. When both partners have room to recharge, they bring more energy, curiosity, and appreciation back into the relationship. Alone time keeps love fresh and balanced.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Clinical reviewer
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Relationships are often very fulfilling parts of our lives. But you also deserve alone time to recharge.
If you’re struggling to communicate this to your partner — or you feel uncomfortable with the thought of being alone — therapy can be a powerful tool. A therapist can help you set realistic expectations for the relationship, improve communication, and nurture a deeper bond.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
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Siobhan Neela-Stock
Siobhan Neela-Stock is a writer and journalist who focuses on health, particularly mental health. She earned her master's in journalism from Northwestern University in 2018 and worked at Mashable for over two years where she focused on social good reporting.
Her writing has appeared in the New York Times, SELF, Fortune, Verywell Health, among other publications. Neela-Stock also teaches writing and journalism at several universities.
She enjoys traveling, dancing, playing dodgeball, and spending time with her loved ones.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Ashley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in generational healing and family dynamics. Ashley has worked in schools, clinics, and in private practice. She believes that people’s relationships, including our relationship with ourselves, greatly shape our experiences in life.
Ashley is committed to empowering others to show up authentically and deepen their self understanding. This passion stems from taking a critical lens on her own life story and doing inner healing. One of her favorite quotes is “Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.”
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Members of Rula’s clinical leadership team and other expert providers contribute to all published content, offering guidance on themes and insights based on their firsthand experience in the field. Every piece of content is thoroughly reviewed by a clinician before publishing.
