Conflict avoidance in relationships happens when one or both partners steer clear of disagreements because they’re afraid of arguing or upsetting the other person.
Over time, avoiding conflict can lead to resentment and misunderstanding. If you don’t talk about problems, they can slowly weaken your relationship and even cause a breakup.
Therapy can help you figure out why you avoid conflict and teach you healthier ways to share your needs.
At first, conflict avoidance in relationships might feel easier than confronting issues. Maybe your partner comes home from work every night, turns on the TV, and watches their favorite shows for hours. They say it helps them relax, and, although you’ve asked to spend more quality time together, nothing changes.
You stay quiet, even though you’re unhappy. But over time, conflict avoidance can create distance, build resentment, and weaken the connection between you and your partner. Learning how to work through disagreements can help you and your partner share your needs, clear up misunderstandings, and build a stronger relationship.
Why you might avoid confronting your partner
Many people avoid disagreements because they want to keep the peace or don’t know how to bring up sensitive topics. While it might seem easier to ignore issues, leaving conflicts unresolved allows problems to intensify as time goes on.
Common reasons to avoid conflict include:
Past negative experiences: If you grew up with name-calling, put downs, or gaslighting, you might not have learned healthy communication skills. As an adult, this can make it harder to speak up — especially if you tend to be a people pleaser.
Low self-esteem: If you don’t feel confident, you might fear that your partner will leave if you speak up. Low self-esteem can cause you to second-guess your feelings and tell yourself you’re overreacting, making it easier to stay quiet.
Fear of abandonment or rejection: If a past partner left after a disagreement, you might link conflict with rejection. People with an anxious attachment style may avoid conflict to keep their partners close.
Relationship anxiety: If you overthink everything your partner says and does and often need reassurance, it can feel easier to stay quiet. You may believe keeping your real thoughts and feelings to yourself will help you avoid conflict.
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How conflict avoidance affects relationships over time
Avoiding arguments may seem less stressful. But when it becomes a habit, it can create emotional distance between you and your partner.
Over time, conflict avoidance can lead to:
Resentment: Unspoken frustrations can quietly build up, resulting in things like loss of intimacy and relationship apathy.
Self-abandonment: Although ignoring your needs and feelings just to keep the peace may seem simpler, it can gradually lead to low self-esteem and emotional burnout.
Relationship self-sabotage: When you don’t talk about problems, they can intensify as time goes on. One or both partners might pull away, pick fights, or shut down emotionally.
Unhealthy coping: When issues stay unresolved, one or both partners may find unhealthy ways to cope. This might include overworking, overeating, spending hours online or watching TV, or using alcohol or drugs in harmful ways.
Passive-aggressive behavior: Without open conversation, you and/or your partner may start expressing frustration in indirect ways. This might mean giving the silent treatment, making sarcastic comments, or withholding affection.
Narcissistic relationship patterns: If you have a partner with narcissistic traits, avoiding conflict might feel like the only way to keep the peace. You may try to hide your real feelings or avoid certain topics to dodge criticism or anger. Eventually, this can weaken your boundaries and make it harder to notice and respect your needs.
Relationship red flags: Avoiding conflict can make it harder to see problems in your relationship. When you ignore red flags — like controlling behavior, disrespect, or manipulation — they can cause serious harm in the long run.
Addressing conflict avoidance together
Talking about conflict can feel uncomfortable at first. But working through disagreements together can build trust, bring you closer, and stop small issues from spiraling.
Here are some ways to get started:
Build open communication
Sharing your thoughts and feelings openly can help clear up misunderstandings and build trust. It also keeps the focus on solving problems instead of blaming each other. Give your partner your full attention, listen to understand, and then respond.
Using “I” statements can help you say what you feel and need without blaming the other person. For example, you might say, “I feel like we don’t connect as much when the TV is on all night. I’d love to have more time to talk or do something together.”
Rethink confrontation
Don’t think of conflict as fighting. Rather, look at it as speaking up for yourself. When you focus on finding solutions together instead of proving a point, conflict becomes a way to better understand each other.
Positive confrontation means addressing an issue with respect and care instead of anger. It focuses on honesty, listening, and strengthening your bond.
Focus on the main concern
Stick to the specific issue you’re trying to solve. Avoid bringing up unrelated issues so the conversation stays on track and doesn’t turn into a list of past arguments.
Focusing on one topic keeps the conversation clear and avoids confusion. It also makes it easier to find a solution without overwhelming each other by bringing up multiple issues all at once.
Seek support
If you’re not sure how to start addressing conflicts in your relationship, talk to someone you trust. Choose a family member, therapist, or peer support group to help you sort your thoughts. You can also work on this in couples therapy. On your own, you might work with a therapist using approaches like dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to build skills for addressing conflict avoidance and improving communication.
When someone has anxiety or depression, avoiding conflict can feel like a safety net, easing stress in the moment. Therapy can provide support to help you face these situations and practice healthier ways to communicate.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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Learning to handle conflict in a healthy way is key to a strong relationship. Therapy can give you tools to communicate better, manage your emotions, and understand each other’s point of view. A therapist can also help you find solutions that work for both of you so disagreements feel less overwhelming.
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Linda Childers
Linda is an award-winning medical writer with experience writing for major media outlets, health companies, hospitals, and both consumer and trade print and digital outlets.
Her articles have appeared in the Washington Post, USA Today, WebMD, AARP, Brain+Life, HealthyWomen.org, The Rheumatologist, California Health Report, Everyday Health, HealthCentral, and many other media outlets.
While juggling the responsibilities of being part of the “sandwich generation” and caring for both her toddler son and terminally ill mother, a nurse friend encouraged her to seek therapy, which helped her to learn coping strategies and manage her depression. Linda hopes her work will help to destigmatize mental health conditions and encourage others to get the help they need.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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