It’s natural to spend time thinking about people you care about. But when your thoughts feel persistent or all-consuming, consider speaking with a mental health professional.
Obsessive thoughts can stem from unresolved feelings, an insecure attachment style, or a mental health condition like anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
Therapy can help you identify your triggers and the reasons behind your behaviors. It can also teach you to challenge unhealthy thought patterns and find balance and overall well-being.
Have you ever experienced a time when you couldn't stop thinking about someone? Maybe it was at the start of a romantic relationship, when you’d daydream about your most recent date or the possibility of a shared future. Or maybe it was after an argument with someone you cared about, and you were left wondering what you could have done differently.
While it’s natural to think about other people, spending too much time with these thoughts can be disruptive and even distressing. In some cases, persistent and/or obsessive thoughts may be a sign of an underlying mental health condition.
When thinking about them becomes a problem
Thinking about someone too much may seem harmless at first. But if you think about them all the time or can’t seem to stop thinking about them, it can become a problem. When those thoughts become constant and feel impossible to control, it could be a sign of limerence. This is a state of obsessive infatuation driven by the brain’s reward and stress systems.
Unhealthy thinking can trigger unhealthy emotional responses. Focusing on just one person for too long may cause anxiety, stress, and feelings of unease. It can also cause mood swings. For example, you might feel happy when that person gives you attention but angry, disappointed, or insecure when they don’t meet your expectations.
Additionally, you might be experiencing unhealthy thinking about someone if you:
Spend so much time thinking about them that it’s difficult to focus on other parts of your life
Have intrusive, obsessive, or unwanted thoughts
Are emotionally stuck on that person and can't move on
Have had thoughts about harming yourself or the other person
Are constantly comparing yourself to that person (which may impact your confidence and self-esteem)
The care you need, when you need it
Learn how Rula can support your mental health journey
Reasons why you can’t stop thinking about them
There are plenty of reasons why your thoughts might be focused on a certain someone. One of the most obvious reasons is because you’re drawn to them in some way. You mind find them attractive, impressive, or inspiring. Maybe you share similar goals or experiences, and you think you can learn from them.
Other possible reasons why you can't stop thinking about someone include:
Attachment style: People with certain insecure attachment styles may be more likely to ruminate on a breakup or think about getting back together with someone who’s not compatible with them. For example, an anxious attachment style is characterized by insecurity, fear of abandonment, and a need for frequent reassurance.
Unresolved feelings or concerns: Lack of closure is another possible reason why you might be thinking about someone so often. An unexpected breakup, losing touch with a close friend, or unresolved issues — like betrayal or trauma — can all lead to unhealthy thought patterns. You may replay the relationship and your interactions in your head and look for more evidence of what went wrong.
Mental health challenges: Obsessive thoughts can be a sign of an undiagnosed or unmanaged mental health condition, like an anxiety disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). This type of unhealthy thinking can also be associated with issues like loneliness and low self-esteem.
How to free your thoughts from them
If you're finding it difficult to stop thinking about someone, you can take certain steps to break these thought patterns.
1. Acknowledge unhealthy obsessions
One of the first steps in letting go of unhealthy thoughts is to acknowledge that they exist. If you’re unsure if your thoughts are a problem, consider asking yourself:
“Why am I thinking about this person so much?”
“Do I associate my self-worth with this person and their approval?”
“Are these thoughts based on a genuine relationship, or am I idealizing this person and our experiences?”
“Are my thoughts and feelings reciprocated, or is this one-sided?”
2. Discover your triggers
It’s also helpful to think about what might be causing your intrusive thoughts. This can help you learn to avoid or cope with possible triggers. For example, you might find it difficult to hear someone’s voice or follow them on social media. Seeing something that reminds you of them may also be a trigger.
3. Set clear boundaries
Setting clear boundaries can help you prioritize your mental health and create balance in your life. In some cases, boundaries might mean cutting off all contact with someone you can’t stop thinking about.
Research shows that staying in touch with an ex-partner may be bad for your mental health. It can affect your mood and life satisfaction, and it can even contribute to suicidal thoughts and behaviors.*
*The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline provides 24/7, confidential support with trained crisis counselors. If you or a loved one is in emotional distress or a suicidal crisis, please call or text 988. If you’re experiencing a life-threatening emergency or you need immediate help, please call 911.
4. Focus on your own needs
Another way to help get your mind off someone is by choosing to focus on yourself instead. Regular self-care can provide some powerful health benefits, like greater happiness, confidence, and resilience.
If you’re new to self-care, start with something that feels right for you. For example, try keeping a journal or incorporating more movement into your life. You can also try a simple mantra, like, "I choose to focus on the now."
5. Get professional support
Managing your thoughts can be easier said than done. If you’re finding it difficult to stop thinking about someone, consider meeting with a therapist or other mental health professional. Therapy can provide a safe space to understand your thoughts, process your emotions, and develop the tools to help you cope moving forward.
Often, it’s not the person themselves you’re holding onto but the feelings, hopes, or meaning you attached to them. Realizing this can help you focus less on them and more on what you truly need to heal and move forward.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Clinical reviewer
Find care with Rula
It’s normal to spend time thinking about the people you love, care for, and admire. But when you become so preoccupied with those thoughts that you neglect your own needs, it may be a sign of an underlying concern. Fortunately, working with a mental health professional can help you identify negative thought patterns and focus on the positives in your life.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
Alex Bachert
Alex Bachert is a freelance copywriter and mental health advocate. Since earning her masters degree in public health, she has focused her career on creating informative content that empowers people to prioritize their health and well-being. Alex has partnered with organizations like Ro, WellTheory, and Firsthand, and her work has been recognized by the Digital Health Association.
When she’s not writing about mental health, Alex is usually playing pickleball, meeting with her local board of health, or enjoying time with her three kids.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Ashley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in generational healing and family dynamics. Ashley has worked in schools, clinics, and in private practice. She believes that people’s relationships, including our relationship with ourselves, greatly shape our experiences in life.
Ashley is committed to empowering others to show up authentically and deepen their self understanding. This passion stems from taking a critical lens on her own life story and doing inner healing. One of her favorite quotes is “Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.”
Rula's editorial process
Rula's editorial team is on a mission to make science-backed mental health insights accessible and practical for every person seeking to better understand or improve mental wellness.
Members of Rula’s clinical leadership team and other expert providers contribute to all published content, offering guidance on themes and insights based on their firsthand experience in the field. Every piece of content is thoroughly reviewed by a clinician before publishing.
