Key Takeaways
Survivor’s guilt is a trauma response. It can cause a person to feel angry or confused and question why they survived a traumatic event while other people didn't.
If a loved one survived a tragedy, you’re probably so grateful that they’re OK. But try to give them space to mourn and process the experience in their own way.
On its own, survivor’s guilt isn’t a mental health condition. But it’s associated with concerns like anxiety and PTSD. If you think your loved one needs additional support, you can encourage them to talk to a trauma-informed therapist.
Survivor’s guilt is an experience of mental and emotional distress. It can happen when a person survives an unexpected or traumatic event while others don’t.
These difficult situations can leave your loved one with some big questions. They might wonder, “Why am I still here?” or “Could I have done something more to save the person I lost?” Part of them might be grateful to be alive. But another part of them might feel guilty, angry, or confused.
Sometimes, these feelings will subside as the person moves through the healing process. But survivor’s guilt is also associated with anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and other mental health concerns.
Fortunately, if a loved one is experiencing survivor’s guilt, you can do some things to help. With the right support, they can process their emotions, honor their loss, and heal in their own time.
Understanding and recognizing survivor’s guilt
If someone you love survived a tragedy, you’re likely full of appreciation. So hearing them ask questions like, “Why did I make it?” can be upsetting and confusing. You may be tempted to respond by saying something like, "All that matters is that you’re still here.”
Although you might be coming from a good place, statements like these can demonstrate a lack of understanding. Learning more about survivor’s guilt can help you be more supportive during this challenging time. It can help you see that your loved one’s feelings are a trauma response, not a choice.
Respecting your loved one’s boundaries
Survivor’s guilt, like grief, is personal. It doesn’t always follow a linear path, and there’s no right or wrong way to experience it. Your loved one gets to decide how much of their survivor’s guilt they want to express. They also get to choose who they share those details with. Respecting your loved one’s boundaries can help them feel more supported and in control in the aftermath of a traumatic event.
You can let your loved one know that you’re there to talk whenever they feel ready. For example, you might say something like, “Hey, I know you’re going through a lot right now. I want to respect your privacy, but I also want you to know that I’m here if you need me.” If they don’t want to talk right away, you can ask if it’s OK to check in with them in a day or two.
Allowing your loved one to mourn
Trauma affects relationships in many ways. And if a loved one is navigating survivor’s guilt, you might feel tempted to try to shift their perspective. For example, you may want to try to convince them that they’re lucky to be alive, or you might try to distract them to help. But doing so could impact your connection and interfere with the grieving process.
It’s hard to watch someone we love mourn. But even if their pain is palpable, it’s something they have to move through. They have a right to whatever they’re feeling, even if it's uncomfortable for others to witness. Try not to encourage them to “move on” if they’re not ready.
Some signs your loved one may not be ready to process their experience are:
They avoid conversations about the event or change the subject quickly.
They become withdrawn when the topic comes up.
They show signs of stress like irritability when asked about how they’re feeling.
They repeatedly say they’re “not ready” or “don’t want to talk about it.”
Respecting these cues shows empathy and helps them feel safe. Sometimes just being present, listening when they’re ready, or offering simple support without pushing can be the most helpful thing you can do.
Suggesting professional support
Experiencing survivor’s guilt doesn’t mean that your loved one has a mental health condition. But if it doesn’t seem to be improving with time, it could be cause for concern. For some people, survivor’s guilt may lead to mental health conditions like anxiety disorders, substance use disorders (SUDs), or PTSD. It may also worsen these conditions if a person already has them.
If you think your loved one might benefit from professional help, approach this topic with sensitivity. You can let them know that you’ve noticed they’ve been having a hard time and ask if they're open to talking to someone about it. Emphasize that you aren’t going anywhere, and acknowledge the importance of support from friends and family. But remind them that there are effective therapies for managing survivor’s guilt. A trauma-informed therapist can offer an outside perspective and a safe, private space to process their feelings.
Managing expectations
Even if you know your loved one well, it can be hard to predict how they’ll respond to an offer of help in situations like these. The best thing you can do is prepare for a mix of responses and try not to take any of them personally. For example, they may not want to talk about any aspect of their survivor’s guilt with you. Or they might not want to stop talking about it.
For example, some people experiencing survivor’s guilt may be prone to trauma dumping. This is when a person continues to talk about their trauma without regard for how it might affect someone else. Usually, this isn’t intentional. But if it’s happening between you and your loved one, know that it’s OK to set a boundary when you feel like you need a break.
Caring for yourself while supporting a loved one
If you’ve been caring for a loved one and are feeling exhausted, stressed, or fatigued, know that you’re not alone. It takes considerable energy to offer support in challenging situations — especially in times of grief. You may even have moments of frustration or resentment as you watch your loved one wrestle with survivor’s guilt. Just know that these are normal responses to the stress of caregiving, and it’s how you respond to them that counts.
You can be a better source of support for your loved one by taking good care of yourself. This means managing stress before it bubbles over into your relationships. You can do this by creating a self-care routine and making time for activities that give you energy and bring you joy.
Try to take some time for yourself each day, even if it’s just a few minutes. And remember that self-care isn’t selfish. Rather, it can help you show up as your best self for the people you love.
Clinician's take
Survivor’s guilt can feel like carrying a backpack full of heavy stones that only your loved one can feel. A therapist can help them unpack some of that weight. They can also offer support and tools to carry it more safely.
Find care with Rula
If a person lives through a traumatic event while others don’t, they may experience something called survivor’s guilt. They might feel angry or confused and wonder, “Why am I still here?”
Survivor’s guilt can be difficult to witness when it affects a loved one. Fortunately, while you can’t erase the pain of their loss, you can do things to help. By respecting their boundaries, giving them space to mourn, and gently suggesting therapy (if needed), you can offer invaluable support as your loved one navigates survivor’s guilt.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
