The power of emotional vulnerability in your relationship

Being vulnerable — even with a romantic partner — isn’t always easy. Many of us have past experiences and relationship patterns that make it difficult and scary to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. You might feel exposed or embarrassed. 

But emotional vulnerability is an important facet of building trust, intimacy, and closeness within a relationship. A therapist can help you break old patterns and open up in a way that feels right for you. 

Why emotional vulnerability is important in relationships

Emotional vulnerability is an essential component of intimacy. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner, you agree to show them your true self. You’re trusting that person to understand and accept your feelings, without judgment, which nurtures a stronger bond. 

Research has found that sharing personal things about yourself — known as self-disclosure — is closely tied to relationship satisfaction. In fact, the more vulnerable you allow yourself to be, the closer and more intimate you may feel with your partner. But the opposite is also true: The closer you feel with your partner, the more vulnerable you may allow yourself to be. This cycle can reinforce closeness and intimacy in your relationship over time.

Self-disclosure across all of your relationships can also improve your own personal well-being. Even though it can be scary, emotional vulnerability makes it possible to build more meaningful connections and deeper satisfaction in your relationship.

Emotional vulnerability doesn’t necessarily mean you need to share every detail of your life with your partner. It just means that you feel comfortable talking about your thoughts, emotions, and experiences — even when they’re painful.

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Why you might have trouble opening up to your partner

The literal definition of vulnerability is being susceptible to harm. When you’re being vulnerable with a partner, you might risk getting hurt if they don’t respond the way you’re expecting. So, it can be hard for many to be vulnerable, particularly in new relationships. 

Negative experiences from your past may also impact your ability to be vulnerable. For example:

• As a child, you may have experienced neglect or emotional unavailability from a caregiver. This could have led to insecure attachment patterns or a fear of intimacy.
• You may have been met with a nonempathetic response when you’ve been vulnerable with partners in the past. This may have led to feelings of rejection, which may reinforce the idea that being vulnerable is unsafe.
• You may have had someone use your vulnerability against you — like bringing up something you shared in confidence during an argument. This can create a deep sense of betrayal and teach you to guard your emotions more tightly.

How to unlock emotional vulnerability in your relationship

Even if you’ve had a hard time with emotional vulnerability in the past, you can improve vulnerability and intimacy with your current partner.

Consider these steps: 

Acknowledge your fears

First, don’t ignore how you feel. Being emotionally vulnerable is scary for many people. You may have been met with dismissal or criticism in the past — and it could make it hard to open up again. This doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Acknowledging this fear or other emotions that arise can be an important first step toward allowing yourself to be vulnerable again. 

Examine past patterns

Are issues with vulnerability consistently coming up in your relationships? Consider how this has affected your behaviors or ability to feel close to others. How would you like to do things differently in your current relationship?

Perhaps the barrier to vulnerability is unique to your current relationship. That is also important to explore. You might ask yourself what’s different about your current relationship that makes it hard to be fully transparent or honest. 

Start with more impersonal topics 

If being vulnerable is an issue in your relationship, you may consider sharing things that don’t involve your partner. For example, you might bring up a challenge you’re facing at work or a deeply personal memory from your past. 

This doesn’t mean that you can never talk about the hurtful things your partner may have done. But a study found that when people share something personal, there’s less perceived emotional responsiveness and more perceived punishment. So, you may want to start with topics that are less personal. This gradually builds your confidence in being vulnerable with your partner. 

Respond with empathy

Vulnerability is a two-way street. It’s important for both you and your partner to feel safe within your relationship to share honestly, foster open communication, and embrace vulnerability. The only way for vulnerability to improve closeness and intimacy is when disclosures are met with empathy. 

So, when your partner is being vulnerable with you — even if they’re sharing something that makes you feel defensive — try your best to respond with empathy first. For example, instead of saying, “I don’t agree with that,” try saying, “I can understand why you feel that way.”

Try couples counseling

Working with a couples therapist can be a powerful way to increase vulnerability and intimacy within your relationship, even if there’s no crisis.

A couples therapist can provide neutral ground where you can both explore past patterns and barriers to vulnerability. A therapist can help you both develop tools for more empathetic communication, set boundaries for emotional safety, and learn the benefits of sharing more openly.

Find care with Rula

Being vulnerable with your partner can feel scary — especially if you’ve had negative experiences in the past. But it’s an essential part of building intimacy. A therapist can help you understand why vulnerability might be hard for you and help you open up to your partner in ways that feel safe. 

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance, so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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