The dark side of pretending to be happy

Feeling like you can show up as your true, authentic self is often considered an important part of well-being. But it’s also common — especially in the social media age — to feel like you’re just pretending to be happy. Pretending to be happy might be your default response because you fear being judged by loved ones. Or maybe you work in an environment where you often have to remain upbeat.

Pretending to be happy isn’t always a terrible thing. But you also deserve to show up as your most genuine self, both when you’re truly happy and when you’re not. Working with a therapist can help you identify the reasons you pretend to be happy and offer support through this learning process.

Signs you’re pretending to be happy

If it’s become a habit for you, it can be hard to notice when you’re actually happy and when you’re just pretending.

Here are some signs that you might be pretending to be happy:

• You tend to withdraw when you’re sad or upset because you feel like you don’t want to show that side of yourself to others.

• You insist you’re OK even after something upsetting has happened to you. You avoid having deep conversations about any loss or problem.

• On social media, you go out of your way to post things that make your life look perfect.

• If you’re married or in a relationship, you avoid addressing topics that cause conflict just to keep the peace. If you ever have thoughts about feeling unhappy within the relationship, you push them down instead of expressing them.

• You turn to unhealthy substance use to cope with your hidden emotions.

• You feel exhausted and drained at the end of each day. You may cry or feel like you can only be your true self when you’re alone.

• You long for someone to notice what’s really going on with you under the surface.

• You take on the role of being a support for others, but notice you don’t have people who do the same for you.

• You tend to stay busy and active because slowing down makes you notice uncomfortable feelings.

• You minimize your problems by telling yourself that others “have it worse” and to focus on the positive.

Why we act happy when we’re not

There are many reasons why you might fake happiness when you actually don’t feel it. Often, it has to do with our fears of judgment and how other people perceive us. 

For example, you might pretend to be happy because:

• You’re afraid that if you showed your true feelings, you’d be “burdening” the people around you.

• You feel shame around true emotions, and you don’t know how to express them.

• It’s an occasion where you feel like you “should” be happy — like during the holidays — so even if you don’t truly feel it, you pretend.

• You don’t want others to know the true reason behind your unhappiness, so you pretend that you’re OK. For example, maybe you’ve had a recent loss that you’re not ready to share with people.

• You don’t feel safe enough around people in certain environments (like work) to express your true emotions.

• Toxic positivity culture has made you feel like you need to be optimistic all the time.

You may feel you need to pretend to be happy for logistical reasons. For example, you might work in a customer service role and need to smile even when you don’t feel happy. Or maybe you’re in an environment where you wouldn’t be safe expressing your true emotions. For example, you might have a family member who holds intense stigma toward mental health.

Other times, you might pretend to be happy because you truly believe that if you pretend for long enough, you’ll start to really feel it. Research ^[1] supports this to an extent. Putting a smile on your face — even if it’s a fake smile — can make you actually feel happier (although the effect is much smaller than once believed). 

Lastly, if you live with a mental health condition or symptom that affects your mood and happiness, you might put on a happy face to either cope with your symptoms or to hide them from others.

For example:

• Depression can significantly affect your happiness and mood, but you might not want anyone to know that you’re feeling sad. You could fake being happy either because you feel ashamed of your symptoms and/or diagnosis or because you don’t want to worry people around you.

• Alexithymia is the inability to accurately identify, feel, or express your emotions. It affects around 10% of people and is often linked to autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and other conditions. If you live with alexithymia, you might “fake” feeling happy when you know it’s socially appropriate, even if you don’t actually feel it.

The problem with faking happiness

Faking happiness occasionally isn’t usually damaging, and research even shows ^[2] that faking happiness can sometimes lead to a short-term improvement in well-being. But hiding your true feelings all the time can be exhausting and have significant consequences for your health.

One study ^[3] found that people who were instructed to “fake happiness” and stay friendly toward rude customers experienced a significantly higher heart rate even after the interaction ended. High heart rate has been linked to other heart problems.

Faking happiness can also get in the way of accessing needed treatment if you live with a mental health condition. For example, depression can significantly affect your mood. But if you’re always faking that you’re happy, your loved ones may not notice that anything is wrong. You may not be able to acknowledge that you need support or even refuse treatment when it’s offered to you because you’re “fine.”

Faking happiness might feel helpful sometimes. But this can feel inauthentic when it becomes the go-to way that you cope with painful emotions. If you’re hiding your true self behind a fake smile, you might start to feel disconnected from yourself. Over time, this can make it harder to understand what you actually need, which makes it even more difficult to feel genuinely happy.

How to stop pretending and be authentic

It’s important to be emotionally authentic, but it’s also a tricky balance. Being truly authentic means feeling what you actually feel — the good and the bad — without hiding any part of yourself. Fortunately, there are some techniques you can try. 

Practice emotional awareness

Sometimes, when you’ve been faking happiness for a long time, you might need to practice being able to identify what you’re genuinely feeling. Practice identifying your emotions. You can use a feeling wheel ^[4] to better capture a feeling that you may be experiencing.

Mindfulness can help with this, as can expanding your emotional vocabulary. Try to sit down each day and write about your true feelings and where those feelings show up in your body. 

Identify safe people

Being authentic doesn’t mean you need to share everything about how you’re feeling with everyone around you. There may truly be people in your life who aren’t safe to share genuine feelings with. 

Identify the people in your life who feel emotionally safe and who’d accept and support you regardless of how you’re feeling. These are the people who you can be truly authentic with.

Think about why you fake happiness

It can help to think about how long you’ve been faking happiness and why you started. Maybe you developed the habit as a young child in order to please your parents or stay safe. Or maybe you learned in a past situation that you seemed to get more praise at work when you were always positive. 

When you understand the root of this behavior, it may be easier to overcome.

Allow yourself to have boundaries

Boundaries play so many roles in authenticity. First, you don’t owe everyone access to your true self. Being an authentic person doesn’t necessarily mean sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings with everyone you talk to. 

Also, you might find that people who have become used to your “fake happiness” react poorly when you start to be more genuine. You’re allowed to set boundaries with these people as well. 

Talk to a therapist

If pretending to be happy is interfering with your daily life, getting professional support is key. A therapist can help you change your thinking patterns and work through symptoms so that you’re truly happier, not just pretending. 

Working with a therapist can be helpful even if you don’t live with an underlying mental health condition. They can help you understand what’s driving your pretending and how to get more in touch with your true emotions.

Clinician’s take

An early sign of progress is when clients pause long enough to name a feeling, even quietly to themselves, before slipping back into the old habit of masking. That small moment of honesty is a powerful step toward emotional authenticity.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer