Key Takeaways
Not everyone enjoys their birthday, and that’s OK. It can be a complicated time that brings up painful feelings or memories that can negatively impact your mood.
Also referred to as the “birthday blues,” birthday depression isn’t a mental health condition. However, if it’s severe, it can worsen pre-existing depression and create safety concerns in some people.
If birthdays are a struggle, making your own rituals, setting boundaries, and communicating expectations can help. For additional support, consider reaching out to a therapist.
In most of Western culture, when we’re young, we’re taught that birthdays are meant to be celebrated. They’re often marked with parties, cakes, gifts, and fun with friends and family. But as we age, birthdays can take on a different meaning.
Some people experience feelings of sadness, loneliness, or disappointment before, during, and immediately following their birthday. This experience is referred to as birthday depression or the “birthday blues.” While not an official clinical diagnosis, it can be difficult to live with.
Learning more about birthday depression can help you navigate difficult days, make peace with getting older, and know when to reach out for help.
Symptoms of the birthday blues
If you tend to get sad or emotional around your birthday, you’re not alone. Birthdays can be emotional for many reasons.
You might be experiencing the birthday blues if:
Your mood is always off in the days or weeks leading up to your birthday. You might dread your birthday or feel anxious, irritable, sad, or hopeless.
The last thing you want to do on your birthday is celebrate, and you’d rather be alone.
Instead of having fun or treating yourself to something special, you spend your birthday crying.
When your birthday comes around, you feel like you spent another year letting yourself or others down.
You consciously avoid reminders of your birthday and hope no one will remember it.
Deeper reasons behind birthday sadness
For many people, birthdays aren’t just a day on the calendar. Birthdays signify the end of another year of life and force us to confront our mortality.
Some of the deeper reasons behind birthday sadness include things like:
Experiencing a fear of aging or losing your youth
Being disappointed in yourself because you aren’t where you thought you’d be at this point in life
Feeling like you’re still struggling to find your purpose and unhappy with your life circumstances
Feeling hurt or alone because no one reached out to wish you a happy birthday
Recalling painful childhood memories or past birthday experiences
Birthday depression and mental health conditions
If you get the birthday blues, it doesn’t automatically mean you have a mental health condition. However, if your birthday depression is severe enough to impact your safety or functioning, it could be a sign of an underlying condition that may require professional help to overcome.
Research [1] shows that, for people approaching a milestone birthday ( 20, 30, 40, and so on) the risk of suicide increases.* This is likely because people take inventory of their lives during these milestones, and it can highlight any shortcomings they may feel.
*A note on safety: If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself, don’t hesitate to ask for help. You can contact the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 from any phone. The counselors there will provide confidential support and resources to help keep you safe.
Healthy ways to manage birthday depression
There’s no rule that says that you have to love your birthday. It’s OK if big celebrations or group gatherings aren’t something you enjoy.
But if birthdays are negatively affecting your mood, you can try:
Creating a personal ritual: Remember, your birthday is yours, and you get to decide how you want to spend it. If annual celebrations stress you out, it’s OK to skip the usual fanfare. Instead, think about how you might want to spend the day. Treating yourself to something you love or creating your own traditions can help you reframe what your birthday means to you.
Communicating your expectations: Maybe your friends and family tend to go all out for birthdays, and the thought of being the center of attention makes you cringe. Or maybe you wish your loved ones would make a bigger deal out of your birthday. Whatever your preference might be, it’s OK to let your people know.
Not feeling obligated to reciprocate: If you make a point to honor other people’s birthdays but they never reciprocate, it can lead to resentment. Remember, you don’t have to continue celebrating someone unless you genuinely want to and it feels good to do so.
Asking for help: If you’re experiencing birthday depression and having a hard time managing it on your own, therapy can help. A therapist can help you understand the source of your birthday blues, learn healthy coping skills, and ensure that you get the right support for your needs.
Clinician's take
Societal expectations can significantly increase the pressure to feel grateful or celebratory. This can often backfire by invalidating more complex emotions and leaving people feeling ashamed or defective for not feeling happy on cue.
Find care with Rula
While often viewed as a time to celebrate, birthdays can also bring about painful memories and emotions. If you find yourself dreading your birthday, creating a personal ritual, communicating expectations, and setting boundaries around reciprocation can help. For additional support, consider reaching out to a therapist.
At Rula, we’re here to help you feel better. Rula makes it easy to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who takes your insurance. That way, you don’t have to choose between great care and a price you can afford.
Rula patients pay about $15 per session with insurance, and 93% say they feel better after getting care through Rula. We have 21,000+ providers, and appointments are available as soon as tomorrow. We’re here to help you take the next step — wherever you are in your mental health journey.
