People with BPD are more likely to have experienced abuse than to cause it, despite common misconceptions.
BPD symptoms — like fear of abandonment and intense emotions — can make it harder to recognize abuse or leave harmful relationships.
Healing is possible with the right support, and therapy can help you manage your emotions and set healthy boundaries.
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is often misunderstood, and there’s a stigma that people with BPD are the ones causing harm in relationships. However, research shows that it’s more common for people with BPD to have experienced abuse — both in childhood and adulthood — than to be abusers themselves.
If you have BPD and have experienced emotional, verbal, or other forms of abuse, your feelings are valid. Understanding how BPD and abuse are connected can be an important part of healing. Therapy can help you manage strong emotions, improve your relationships, and deal with past trauma. With the right support, you can work through these challenges and find a path to healing.
Why people with BPD are vulnerable to abuse
People with BPD often experience intense emotions and have unique relationship patterns that can make them more vulnerable to abuse.* While these behaviors aren’t a choice, they can create dynamics in which abusive patterns are more likely to emerge.
Some key factors that can contribute to this vulnerability include:
Fear of abandonment: If you have BPD, you may experience a deep fear of being abandoned. This fear can lead you to cling to a partner, even when their behavior is harmful, because you're afraid of being left alone.
Favorite person dynamics: It’s common for people with BPD to have what's called a “favorite person,” which is someone you feel especially emotionally attached to. You might depend on this person for a sense of stability or identity. When that connection feels threatened, it can lead to intense fear, anxiety, and difficulty seeing red flags in the relationship.
Black-and-white thinking: A common symptom of BPD is seeing things as all good or all bad. This can cause you to quickly forgive harmful behavior, thinking things will get better, even if the pattern continues.
Past trauma or childhood abuse: Many people with BPD have experienced trauma or abuse earlier in life. This history can impact how you view relationships, sometimes making unhealthy behaviors — like controlling or manipulating others — seem "normal" or acceptable, even when they’re not.
Difficulty recognizing healthy boundaries: Because of past trauma, it may be hard for you to recognize what healthy boundaries in a relationship look like. What feels familiar or comfortable may actually be toxic, and it can be hard to distinguish between the two.
A note to the reader: If you feel unsafe in your relationship for any reason, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by dialing 800-799-7233 for confidential support.
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What abuse can look and feel like when you have BPD
If you have BPD, the experience of abuse can hit especially hard. Your emotions may already feel intense, and abuse can deepen that pain and confusion. You might also question your reality or wonder if you’re overreacting — especially if past experiences have made it hard to trust your own feelings.
Abuse doesn’t always look like yelling or hitting. Sometimes, it shows up in ways that are easier to miss. You might notice that your partner:
Frequently criticizes or belittles you
Gives you the silent treatment during or after conflict
Threatens to end the relationship every time you set a boundary
Blames you for everything that goes wrong, even when it’s not your fault
Tells you that your emotions are "too much" or that you’re "crazy"
These kinds of behaviors can feed into BPD symptoms. For example, the fear of abandonment may become more intense if your partner uses love as a weapon. You might feel extreme shame or self-doubt. Or you may experience emotional outbursts in response to being mistreated and then blame yourself for how you reacted.
After abuse, the emotional fallout can be overwhelming. You may feel numb one moment and full of rage the next. It’s common to struggle with trust, identity, or feeling like you’ll never have a safe relationship. You might even miss the person who hurt you, which can be confusing and painful.
All of this is valid. You’re not alone in these reactions, and they don’t mean that you’re broken. Healing is possible, especially with support from a therapist who understands BPD and trauma.
Why might people with BPD become abusive?
Living with BPD can be difficult, and dealing with deep emotional pain or past trauma can make it even more challenging. Sometimes, if that pain isn’t addressed or your symptoms are unmanaged, it can lead to behavior that hurts others, even people you care about.
This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that you're choosing to be abusive. But it’s important to look at how certain symptoms of BPD might affect your relationships. For example:
Fear of abandonment: Intense fear of being left might lead you to act out in panic. You might yell, threaten to leave first, or check your partner’s text messages.
Borderline rage: Sudden mood swings or anger that feels hard to control can sometimes come out as borderline rage — a kind of emotional outburst that feels overwhelming and difficult to stop.
Black-and-white thinking: Idealizing someone and then suddenly seeing them as all bad can cause confusion, arguments, and emotional harm.
Chronic emptiness or identity struggles: Feeling empty or unsure of who you are can make relationships feel unstable or overly intense.
Sometimes, these tendencies can create a pattern in which love, fear, anger, and guilt all get tangled together. This is sometimes referred to as the BPD abuse cycle, in which emotional highs and lows repeat over time and lead to instability or harm in the relationship.
If you recognize any of these patterns in your life, you’re not alone. And there are ways to break the cycle. Therapy — especially with someone trained in treating BPD — can help you understand your triggers, manage your reactions, and build healthier ways of relating to others.
Healing from abuse with BPD
Healing from abuse can be especially challenging when you’re also managing symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD). You might feel like your emotions are too big or like it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s not when it comes to trust and safety. That’s OK. You’re not alone, and healing is possible.
To feel more grounded and supported, you can try:
Working with a therapist you trust: A therapist who understands BPD and trauma can help you make sense of your experiences and manage overwhelming emotions. Therapies like dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) can teach you how to handle triggers, cope with stress, and build safer relationships.
Validating your own feelings: You might feel hurt, confused, or angry. You may even miss the person who harmed you. These mixed emotions are common, and they don’t mean you’re weak or broken.
Noticing your triggers: Try to pay attention to what makes you feel unsafe or overly reactive. This can include certain people, places, or memories. Learning to recognize your patterns can help you manage your reactions more effectively.
Building a sense of safety: Healing often starts with creating routines that help you feel more stable. That might mean getting enough rest, limiting contact with toxic people, or spending time with those who truly care about you.
Practicing self-compassion: It’s easy to blame yourself or feel shame when you’ve been hurt. But healing means reminding yourself that you deserve care, respect, and support.
It’s OK to take your time. Healing isn’t a straight line, and it’s not about being perfect. It’s about showing up for yourself, one step at a time.
A common myth about BPD is that people with the condition are often abusive in relationships — but that’s not true. In reality, people with BPD are more likely to be survivors of abuse than perpetrators, and they deserve compassion, not stigma.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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Living with BPD can make relationships feel intense and confusing, especially if you've experienced abuse. Many people with BPD have a history of trauma, which can make it harder to spot red flags or set healthy boundaries. While these patterns aren't your fault, they can still lead to pain and instability. The good news is that support is available. Therapy can help you understand your experiences, manage your emotions, and build the safe, caring connections you deserve.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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