What to consider when coming out of the closet

Knowing when and how to come out of the closet isn’t always simple. People often talk about “coming out” as if it’s a one-time event, but sharing your sexual orientation or gender identity with others is something that tends to happen gradually over time. 

Choosing to come out — or invite others in — is a personal decision. You may feel ready when you’re in your first committed relationship or because you want to meet other people in the LGBTQ+ community. Or maybe you feel like you’re keeping a secret from loved ones and are ready to openly embrace who you are.

Regardless of the reason, coming out takes courage. So make it a point to honor your feelings, show yourself compassion, and prioritize your mental and emotional well-being. Taking care of your mental health during this time can help you feel more grounded and supported as you navigate what can be an emotional process.

The importance of coming out to yourself 

Before coming out to friends and family, it’s important to come out to yourself. While that may sound corny, acknowledging and embracing who you are is an important part of the process. According to one survey, many gay, lesbian, and bisexual people knew they were something other than straight around age 12 but weren’t certain of their sexual orientation or gender identity until they were about 17. 

No matter your age, accepting your sexual orientation or gender identity can help you prioritize your mental health and live a life that’s true to you. It can help you develop a deeper relationship with yourself and gain a better understanding of your goals, values, and desires in life.

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Four considerations when coming out to others

Coming out is a personal choice that only you have the power to make. If you’re considering coming out to someone in your life, the following tips can help you navigate the conversation and what comes next.

1. Who to come out to 

One of the first decisions is determining who you’d like to tell. Many people find it helpful to start by sharing their news with one or two people they trust, like a close friend or open-minded relative, but it can be anyone who makes you feel seen and understood.

If someone comes to mind but you’re unsure if they’re the right person, ask yourself:

• Have I previously shared personal information with them? How did they handle it? 
• Has this person shown support for LGBTQ+ people before? For example, have we discussed marriage equality or an LGBTQ+ celebrity?
• If they have a negative response, how will this impact my life?

It might also be helpful to confide in someone who’s part of the queer community and has already gone through the coming-out process. They can offer unique advice and support as you navigate your own experience. 

2. What you’d like to say 

The next step is to think about what you’d like to say. If you’re not sure where to start, consider keeping it simple with something like: “I have something important to tell you. I’m [sexual orientation/ gender identity]. This is part of who I am, and I hope you can support me.” 

When coming out, remember that it’s your decision to choose what you’d like to share. While there’s no pressure to discuss anything you’re not comfortable with, it can be helpful to think about possible follow-up questions. For example:

• “How long have you known?”
• “Are you sure?”
• “How can I support you?” 
• “Are you dating anybody?”
• “Is there anything I should or shouldn’t say to you?”
• “Can I tell anybody else?”

Another tip is to practice what you’d like to say in advance — maybe even in front of a mirror. This can calm your nerves, build confidence, and help you feel more grounded during the conversation. 

3. Where and when to have the conversation 

Location can impact your experience, so choose a setting that feels comfortable and safe. This could be your home, the park, or somewhere that feels right for your relationship. If you believe someone might have a negative reaction or are concerned for your safety, consider choosing a public setting where you won’t be alone. You might also want to bring a friend for support.

Another thing to remember is that coming out is a process. Talking about your authentic self can be an emotional experience, so be mindful of how many conversations you schedule within a short period of time. You may want to space out your conversations or speak with several people at once. 

If you’re not ready to have the conversation in person, you have many other ways to come out. For example, you could send an email, write a letter, or come out over FaceTime. It’s your choice. 

4. How to move forward 

In an ideal world, your loved one will respond to your news with a warm hug and affirming words. However, it’s best to be prepared for all outcomes. If they seem unsure how to respond, consider giving them time and space to process what you’ve shared. 

You may also want to set some healthy boundaries with people in your life. Boundaries are personal limits that help you feel safe and secure around other people and in your environment. When people don’t respect your requests or make you feel like you can’t be yourself, it may be time to reinforce clear boundaries. 

How to prioritize your well-being after coming out 

Inviting people to learn more about your authentic self can trigger a lot of emotions. You may feel joy and relief or be grappling with shame, disappointment, or grief. Regardless of what you’re feeling, remember to show yourself kindness and compassion as you process your emotions.

Here are three additional tips to help you prioritize your well-being during this time. 

• Make time for self-care. Self-care refers to any activity that improves your mental, emotional, physical, or social well-being. Everyone can benefit from self-care, but it’s especially important for people who are navigating difficult situations. Journaling, physical activity, and mindfulness exercises can all be good places to start. 
• Lean on your support system. Spending time with people who make you feel good about yourself is another form of self-care. Whether it’s friends, family, or LGBTQ+ communities, having a strong support system can help increase your emotional resilience and overall well-being. 
• Know when to seek professional support. Members of the LGBTQ+ community have been shown to experience higher rates of mental health concerns like anxiety, depression, and self-harm*. If coming out — or the idea of coming out — is affecting your mental health, know that help is available. Working with an LGBTQ+-friendly therapist can help you develop the tools and strategies to cultivate self-acceptance, share your authentic self with others, and build the life you want.

*The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline offers 24/7 confidential support through trained crisis counselors. If you or someone you care about is experiencing emotional distress, self-harm, or a suicidal crisis, please call or text 988. For life-threatening emergencies or immediate assistance, call 911.

Find care with Rula

Coming out to friends, family, and others in your life takes courage. There’s no playbook for sharing your sexual orientation or gender identity, so find the place and time that feels safe and comfortable for you. And, if you want some help along the way, Rula has a network of LGBTQ+-friendly therapists that understand your experience. 

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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