Exploring what demisexuality means for you

Sexual orientation can sometimes be difficult to understand or describe. Many people need time to better understand their feelings, experiences, and attractions. For example, someone who’s demisexual may realize they’ve never experienced love or lust at first sight. 

Demisexual people can experience sexual attraction, but only after forming an emotional bond. It’s considered a subset of asexuality, since it involves sexual attraction in limited circumstances. Everyone is different, but learning about your needs can help you find relationships that feel emotionally and sexually fulfilling. 

Common demisexual traits and experiences

There's a difference between being demisexual and choosing to take your relationships slow. Demisexuality is part of who you are and not a deliberate choice. 

Demisexuality can look a little different for everyone, but it typically means that you:

• Don't experience instant sexual attraction (also called primary sexual attraction)

• Aren’t interested in casual hookups or one-off sexual encounters

• Aren’t sexually attracted to people you don’t know 

• Are only sexually attracted to people you’re close with, like a romantic partner or friend

• Are more likely to have a crush on a close friend than a celebrity 

Being demisexual can come with dating challenges. You might not feel attracted to your date in the beginning stages of a new relationship. You might worry that your date won't understand why you need deeper emotional intimacy before any physical intimacy. But while it may seem like you’re being prude or afraid of sex, the truth is that you just need to feel an emotional bond first.

Difference between demisexuality and other orientations

Labeling yourself as demisexual is a personal choice. For some people, it provides comfort, validation, or freedom. The label can help you communicate your feelings and connect with others who have similar experiences. It can also empower you to set clear boundaries in your relationships. 

The term demisexual was first coined in 2006. It's sometimes misunderstood or mistaken for other orientations, like:

• Asexual: You experience little or no sexual attraction to others. 

• Graysexual: You rarely experience sexual attraction or experience it at a low level. 

• Demiromantic: You can’t develop romantic feelings without first having an emotional connection. 

• Pansexual: You’re attracted to all genders.

• Allosexuality: You experience primary sexual attraction to others (attraction based on instant information, like appearance) 

It’s also worth noting that demisexual people can identify with multiple orientations. For example, demisexual people can be gay, straight, bisexual, or any other orientation.

Understanding demisexuality, attraction, and attachment

Demisexual people don't typically experience primary sexual attraction. This means you’re not drawn to people based on instant available factors, like their appearance and style. 

It’s important to note that sexual attraction is different from sexual desire. Demisexuals may still enjoy the physical aspects of sex even without a strong emotional bond. You can also have sex for other reasons, like wanting to get pregnant. That said, one survey found that two-thirds of demisexual people are often repulsed by or indifferent to sex. 

Demisexual people can also experience other forms of attraction, like romantic and aesthetic attraction. For example, you can choose to date someone even if you’re not sexually attracted to them. You can also appreciate someone’s appearance or style but may not be instantly sexually attracted to them based on these factors. 

Making space for demisexuality in dating 

In a world of casual dating and quick hookups, dating as a demisexual person can be tricky. Fortunately, the right resources and support can help you find fulfilling relationships. 

If you’re demisexual and having a hard time with dating, try:

• Acknowledging your demisexuality: Consider journaling about your emotional needs, experiences with intimacy, and what you hope for in future relationships. When you know who you are and what you’re looking for, you’re in a better place to connect with others.

• Setting boundaries: Once you have a better understanding of what it means to be demisexual, you can focus on communicating your needs. Setting boundaries is an opportunity to clarify what you’re comfortable with and how you want to be treated by others.

For example, you might say to a new partner, “I’m demisexual, which means I don’t feel sexual attraction until I’ve connected with someone emotionally. I’m OK with hugging and cuddling, but I’m not ready for anything more physical right now.”

• Finding a therapist: Therapy is a great resource for improving your self-awareness, confidence, and interpersonal relationships. If you’re new to therapy, look for a therapist who specializes in LGBTQ+ care. They’ll have experience working with diverse gender expressions and sexual identities.

Clinician's take

I encourage demisexual clients to honor their pace and not compare themselves to societal expectations around attraction and intimacy. Your way of connecting is just as real and meaningful and can lead to more aligned, fulfilling relationships.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer

Find care with Rula

Being demisexual can influence the way you build intimate relationships. If you’re finding it difficult to make sense of your relationship patterns, communicate your needs to others, or find a satisfying connection, therapy can help. Working with a therapist is a chance to explore your thoughts and feelings without judgement.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.