Key Takeaways
Disenfranchised grief is a type of grief that others may not readily acknowledge or understand. Not having support can make a loss harder to overcome.
It can stem from many kinds of losses — including death, breakups, estrangement, job loss, or any experience others may dismiss — but your feelings are still valid.
Expressing your feelings (with someone you trust), joining a support group, and going to therapy can help you cope with disenfranchised grief.
Disenfranchised grief [1] is a form of grief that isn’t openly acknowledged or socially recognized. For example, if you lose a pet, friend, or coworker, the support you receive may not be as substantial as if you were mourning a parent, child, or spouse. The same thing can happen with other losses, like going through a breakup or divorce, losing a job, facing infertility, or grieving a part of your identity or future you thought you’d have. These losses can be just as painful, yet people may not view them as “significant,” which can leave you with less support than you need.
This is because, unfortunately, many Western societies [2] tend to view some forms of loss as more deserving of acknowledgment than others. In response, some people may feel pressured to “get over” their grief or try to push it down.
But no matter the details of your loss — whether it involves a person, a relationship, a dream, or a life change — your grief is valid. If you’re struggling with a loss that’s difficult to process or you feel like others don’t understand what you’re going through, you’re not alone. Learning more about disenfranchised grief can help validate your experiences and know when to ask for help.
Symptoms of disenfranchised grief
Grief doesn’t always follow a consistent pattern or stages [3]. We all process loss differently, and bereavement can vary from person to person. However, disenfranchised grief has some distinct characteristics.
Unlike prolonged or complicated grief, disenfranchised grief may arise [4] when someone feels like they can’t:
Honor their loss with rituals or memorials because others might not approve
Receive support due to their relationship with the person or animal they lost — like if it was a pet, an incarcerated person, or someone they hadn’t seen in a long time
Grieve on their own time because they feel pressured to move on quickly
Access resources like bereavement leave because their loss isn’t recognized
Mourn authentically for fear of judgment or invalidation
Trust that their feelings are valid because others are minimizing or questioning them
Types of grief dismissed by society
You can probably picture the types of grief that most people would see as worthy of support. For example, if a prominent member of your community died in a tragic accident, there might be media coverage, fundraising efforts, and public memorials.
But many other losses — including those unrelated to death — don’t receive the same attention or understanding. These types of grief are often minimized, overlooked, or treated as “not a big deal,” even though the emotional impact can be just as real.
Here are a few examples:
Your pet hamster, Wally, was always a happy presence in your life. After a stressful day, his silly antics always made you feel better. Even though he was small, the house feels empty without him.
Your college roommate, Steph, was your road-trip companion throughout your 20s. You have so many wonderful memories of your adventures and friendship. Even though you hadn’t seen her in a long time, the news of her passing hit you hard.
Your breakup with your ex was rocky, and you’re glad you moved on from that relationship. Even though you weren’t in love with them anymore, you were devastated to hear that they’d gotten sick. Your heart breaks for the family he left behind.
Your doctor told you that a long-held dream — like carrying a pregnancy, running again after an injury, or pursuing a certain career path — is no longer possible. Nothing “dramatic” happened in a single moment, but the loss of that future version of your life has left you heartbroken.
Your job wasn’t your dream career, but it gave you stability, purpose, and coworkers you cared about. When the company suddenly downsized, you felt shocked and lost. Everyone keeps telling you to “be grateful for new opportunities,” but inside, you’re grieving the routine and identity you built there.
What happens when grief isn’t acknowledged
When grief is suppressed, it can be harder to process. Without support, disenfranchised grief can take a toll on your mental health, relationships, and ability to function in daily life.
Additionally, unacknowledged emotional pain can lead to physical and psychological symptoms [5], like:
If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms, help is available. It’s worth reaching out to someone you trust — or a therapist — to talk about your grief.
How to move forward when your grief is dismissed
Not feeling supported can make the grieving process more challenging. But remember, no matter the details of your loss, you deserve to process it in whatever way feels right to you.
While nothing can erase the pain you might be feeling right now, these tips can help you navigate disenfranchised grief:
Speak honestly about your experience. If someone dismisses your grief, it’s OK to speak up if it feels safe and productive to do so. For example, you can say something like, “I know my loss might not seem like a big deal to you. But I’m really struggling right now and could use some support.”
Memorialize your loss. Rituals and memorial services can help with the healing process. So brainstorm some ways to honor the person or animal you lost. This might include looking at old pictures, sharing memories, playing their favorite song or movie, or planting a tree in their name.
Take care of yourself. Grief can be depleting in many ways. So during this time, try to take good care of your body. Move in ways that feel good to you, eat nutritious foods, and do your best to get adequate rest.
Find moments of joy. Remember, it’s OK to do things that bring you joy and strengthen your emotional well-being while you’re grieving. For example, you might call a friend to catch up or watch a funny movie.
Explore support groups. If you don’t have people you can lean on right now, look into grief support groups. You can even meet with others online. Connecting with people who understand what you’re going through can help you feel less alone.
Meet with a therapist. If you’re struggling with disenfranchised grief, talking to a therapist can help. They can offer a safe space to process your emotions, give voice to your loss, and feel supported. Therapy can also help you learn skills to navigate grief — especially if it's been dismissed by others.
Clinician's take
I often see people convince themselves their loss ‘doesn’t count’ because others have it worse. That belief shuts down grief instead of supporting healing. Your loss matters, and you don’t have to minimize it in order to move forward.
Find care with Rula
Disenfranchised grief is often misunderstood or minimized. But no matter the details of your loss, you deserve support to process your emotions. If you’re navigating grief, therapy could make a difference. A therapist who specializes in grief can help you process your loss and cope with the discomfort of being dismissed.
At Rula, we’re here to help you feel better. Rula makes it easy to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who takes your insurance. That way, you don’t have to choose between great care and a price you can afford.
Rula patients pay about $15 per session with insurance, and 93% say they feel better after getting care through Rula. We have 21,000+ providers, and appointments are available as soon as tomorrow. We’re here to help you take the next step — wherever you are in your mental health journey.
