A fear of intimacy can make it hard to feel close to others, even when you want connection.
This self-assessment can help you reflect on if fear of intimacy is affecting your relationships.
While fear of intimacy isn’t a diagnosis, therapy and self-reflection can help you work toward healthier closeness.
Emotional intimacy is an important component of healthy relationships. But several things can make you fear developing this type of closeness, like experiencing trauma in past relationships or having an avoidant attachment style. You might long for emotional intimacy but find yourself pushing others away. Maybe this fear is standing in the way of the type of relationships you want.
We’ve developed a short test to help you understand whether a fear of intimacy could be holding you back from the type of close relationships you deserve.
Take the fear of intimacy quiz
Instructions: Answer each question as truthfully as you can. Choose between “yes,” “no,” and “sometimes,” depending on how much each question describes your experiences. If you’re not sure, just pick the answer that most closely matches your experience (even if it doesn’t perfectly describe you).
Do you tend to avoid talking about your feelings?
Yes
No
Sometimes
Do you prefer to focus conversations on other people rather than yourself?
Yes
No
Sometimes
Do relationships feel overwhelming or like “too much” for you?
Yes
No
Sometimes
When someone shows emotion, like tearfulness, do you start to feel uncomfortable?
Yes
No
Sometimes
Do you feel uncomfortable when someone tries to hug you?
Yes
No
Sometimes
If someone tries to get closer to you, either physically or emotionally, does that make you want to shut down or turn away?
Yes
No
Sometimes
Have people told you that you’re hard to get to know?
Yes
No
Sometimes
When relationships become serious, do you tend to find a way to distance yourself, even unintentionally?
Yes
No
Sometimes
Have you been called emotionally distant?
Yes
No
Sometimes
Does long-term commitment feel overwhelming to you?
Yes
No
Sometimes
Scoring:
Mostly yes: You may have a fear of intimacy or closeness.
Mostly no: You may not have a fear of intimacy.
Mostly sometimes: Certain situations may trigger these fears in you, but they may not apply to all of your relationships.
Quiz content written by Lolly Coleman, MS, LMFT.
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How does the fear of intimacy test work?
This quiz was created by a licensed mental health therapist based on the common signs that can point toward a fear of intimacy. Fear of intimacy isn’t a clinical diagnosis or a mental health condition. This test isn’t meant to diagnose you with anything, but simply to help you start getting answers.
If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, it’s possible you have a fear of closeness or intimacy. Even if you answered “sometimes” to many of the questions, it’s possible that this fear is affecting your relationships. But you know yourself best. Regardless of what the quiz results tell you, if you think you have a fear of intimacy, it may be worth talking to a therapist about.
Next steps you can take after the quiz
If this quiz helped you realize that you may have a fear of intimacy, you can still take steps to achieve closeness in your relationships. Fear of intimacy can be overcome, even if it’s a long-lasting pattern in your life.
Explore these steps:
Learn more about your fear of intimacy and its roots. It can be helpful to consider why this fear of intimacy has developed. For example, you might reflect on whether the fear started in childhood or as a result of a past relationship. Getting to the root causes can help you better understand what triggers your fear and how to address it.
Consider how this fear has shown up in your relationships. Maybe you push people away when they get too close. Or perhaps you avoid emotional conversations that could’ve strengthened your bond. Reflecting on these patterns can help you recognize when the same behaviors start to show up again.
Ask yourself what your ideal relationship looks like — and what’s holding you back. Overcoming a fear of intimacy to embrace emotional vulnerability can be scary. But it’s worth it, especially if it means having the kind of relationship you long for. Even small changes can bring you closer to the connection you want.
Talk to a therapist. A therapist can help you work through your fear of intimacy, especially if it has roots in trauma or attachment issues. In therapy, you can learn how to identify patterns, process past experiences, and connect with others in healthy ways.
One subtle sign of fear of intimacy is when someone keeps relationships surface-level without realizing it. They may seem social and open, but they avoid letting others see their deeper emotions.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
Find care with Rula
Fear of intimacy doesn’t have to define your relationships. With self-reflection and, sometimes, professional support, it’s possible to move toward the closeness you want and deserve. Therapy can help you work through the root causes of your fear and build closer, more intimate relationships.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
Saya Des Marais
Saya graduated with her Master in Social Work (MSW) with a concentration in mental health from the University of Southern California in 2010. She formerly worked as a therapist and motivational interviewing trainer in community clinics, public schools, mental health startups, and more.
Her writing has been featured in FORTUNE, GoodRX, PsychCentral, and dozens of mental health apps and therapy websites. Through both her clinical work and her personal OCD diagnosis, she’s learned the importance of making empathetic and accurate mental health content available online.
She lives in Portland, Oregon but you can find her almost just as often in Mexico or in her birthplace, Tokyo.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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