Having an angry spouse or partner can contribute to stress, anxiety, and low self-esteem. It can also potentially lead to changes in brain function and structure, as well as mental health conditions.
If your partner has issues controlling their anger, your safety should be a priority. If you feel unsafe, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
Professional treatment, along with supportive lifestyle changes, can help you navigate challenges with an angry partner while also promoting personal well-being and balance.
Supporting a partner who has difficulty with anger can be overwhelming and emotionally draining. It’s important to remember that their anger is not your fault. Anger is often a response to stress or feeling mistreated, and many people find it challenging to manage it in healthy ways.
Still, there’s a difference between anger that’s healthy and anger that becomes destructive. About 8% of adults in the U.S. have uncontrolled anger, which can harm both the person feeling it and the people around them.
If you’re living with an angry spouse or partner, it can be hard to know how to help them while also protecting your own well-being. Understanding what drives anger is the first step toward supporting them and setting healthy boundaries for yourself.
Why is my partner angry?
People feel angry for many reasons, and it often stems from stress, hurt, or feeling mistreated.
Some common causes include:
Stress: Ongoing pressure from work, school, or relationships can build up and lead to anger.
Trauma: Past trauma — especially from childhood — can leave lasting emotional pain that shows up as anger.
Mental health conditions: Depression, bipolar disorder, and other conditions can increase irritability and make it harder to manage emotions.
Poor communication: Misunderstandings or not feeling heard can cause frustration and conflict.
Low self-esteem or insecurity: Feeling inadequate or unappreciated can trigger anger as a defense.
Anger can come from one or several of these factors combined. Understanding the cause is the first step toward managing it in healthy ways.
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How an angry partner can affect your mental health
Living with an angry spouse or partner can take a significant toll on your mental health. The exposure to constant anger and conflict may create a stressful environment and can lead to some of the following effects.
Increased stress levels: When your partner is constantly angry, you’re exposed to the negative long-term effects of anger and conflict. You may experience chronic stress, which can negatively affect your physical and mental health. Stress can disrupt your sleep, which can lead to fatigue and irritability. It can also cause physical symptoms, like headaches, muscle pain, and digestive problems.
Lower self-esteem: Living with an angry partner can eat away at your self-esteem and lead you to question your worth. You might find that you blame yourself for your partner’s anger, thinking that you’re the cause of their frequent outbursts. This can worsen feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Changes in brain structure and function: Research shows that chronic stress, like that associated with living with an angry partner, can alter the structure and function of your brain. This affects mood, memory, and decision making. Additionally, prolonged exposure to cortisol (a “stress hormone” that’s often elevated when living with an angry partner) may damage brain cells and impair cognitive function.
Increased anxiety due to worrying about partner’s outbursts: Life with an angry partner can cause you to feel constant worry and anxiety about their behavior. You might live in fear of triggering their intense anger and facing another outburst. This can lead to you becoming hypervigilant, constantly surveying your surroundings for signs of anger.
Increased risk of mental health conditions: Repeated exposure to the stress and trauma of living with an angry partner can increase your risk of depression and PTSD. Some people may also find themselves developing a substance use disorder as a way to cope with the stress and emotional pain.
One challenge people often don’t anticipate in therapy for coping with an angry partner is the difficulty in addressing their own emotional triggers and reactions, which can complicate communication and healing.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
Seven strategies for coping with a partner who’s always angry
While it’s natural to experience frustration from time to time, prolonged or chronic anger can take a toll on you, your partner, and your relationship.
Incorporating practical approaches can help you cope with an angry partner and maintain balance in your relationship, while also encouraging healthier ways for your partner to express their emotions.
1. Practice active listening
Healthy communication is an essential component of any relationship. This is especially true when you’re learning how to deal with an angry partner.
One of the first steps of effective communication is active listening. This allows you to truly hear what your partner is saying, and it can also validate their feelings by showing them that they have your full attention. Maintaining eye contact, nodding, and paraphrasing are all active listening techniques that convey empathy and acknowledgement. But it’s important to ensure that validation doesn’t equate to endorsing unhealthy expressions of anger.
2. Use “I” statements
When it’s time to address the issue with your partner, focus on using “I” statements. This might look like saying, “I feel worried about how our conversations escalate” instead of saying, “You’re always angry.” Using language like this may help prevent your partner from feeling attacked or getting defensive.
3. Time your conversation correctly
Talking about your partner’s anger issues when they’re in the midst of an outburst might not bode well for anyone. It can further intensify their anger and potentially put you in danger. Instead, wait until they’re calm and more open to conversation and solutions.
4. Establish healthy boundaries
Set aside time to talk to your partner about what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to how you express anger. You and your partner should both feel comfortable voicing concerns, and both sides should establish healthy, reasonable boundaries.
If your partner is consistently unable to abide by your boundaries, it may be time to consider professional help or work toward safely leaving the relationship.
5. Avoid engaging in arguments
If your partner becomes too heated when you question them about their anger, take a break. Revisit the conversation when both of you feel more calm. If you find that you’re struggling to communicate effectively with your partner, consider couples therapy.
6. Practice self-care
When you’re helping your partner work through anger, it can be easy to forget about your own needs. However, caring for yourself is a vital part of coping with a partner who’s always angry.
Between daily responsibilities and working on improving communication and expression with your partner, finding the time for self-care each day may be challenging. Thankfully, even small changes throughout the day can produce helpful results.
Some self-care and self-compassion practices you may want to incorporate into your routine include:
Developing a healthy sleep routine
Engaging in activities that make you feel good, like a warm bath or massage
Practicing mindfulness
Exploring creative outlets to express yourself
Incorporating meditation and deep breathing into your day
Connecting with friends and family
Practicing gratitude
7. Know when it’s time for professional help
If your partner’s anger issues continue even with lifestyle changes or they begin to have a notable impact on you, then it might be time to seek professional help. This can include both individual therapy and couples therapy.
Couples therapy provides a safe environment for a professional to guide you and your partner through learning healthier communication styles and coping mechanisms. Sometimes, living with an angry partner can cause you to also experience issues with anger. A couples therapist can help you target these concerns.
It’s also important to focus on your own safety. If your partner’s anger ever becomes threatening or abusive*, make a safety plan. This might include identifying a safe place to go, keeping emergency phone numbers handy, or reaching out to trusted friends or family for support.
You and your partner may also benefit from individual therapy for anger. Individual therapy can help you better understand and process your emotions. Working with a therapist alone can also help your partner learn to express themselves in a healthy way and work through any underlying causes of their anger.
*If you’re facing immediate safety concerns, contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline Website, or call 800-799-SAFE (7233) for confidential assistance.
Helping a perpetually angry partner
Although professional help may be needed in many instances, there are a variety of things you can do that may help your partner with their anger. When it comes to supporting an angry partner, the key is to find the balance between remaining supportive and maintaining your personal boundaries.
Here are some ways you might be able to help a partner who seems to be angry all or most of the time:
Show empathy, and acknowledge their feelings. Try to understand your partner’s perspective without judgment, and let them know you understand why they may be feeling angry.
Encourage open, healthy communication. Create a safe space for your partner to share their feelings and for you to express yours too.
Stay calm, and guide your partner to do the same. Incorporate relaxation techniques like deep breathing to keep conversations calm. This can be a great way to show your partner how to express anger in a constructive way.
Promote positive coping mechanisms. Suggest ways that your partner can manage their anger through exercise, hobbies, or time in nature, for example. Also, encourage them to seek professional guidance if they’re struggling to manage their anger on their own.
Offer reassurance. Let your partner know you care and that you support them in overcoming their anger issues. And both of you should know that change takes time, so be patient.
It’s important to remember that there should be a balance between your partner’s needs and feelings and your own. If your partner’s behaviors have a notable impact on your sense of safety or well-being, it’s crucial to prioritize your emotional and physical health.
While seeking professional help may be a first step, if the situation becomes unsafe or unmanageable, it may be necessary to consider ending the relationship. Remember, your safety and well-being should always come first, and seeking guidance from a healthcare professional can help you navigate these difficult decisions.
Find care with Rula
Living with an angry spouse or partner can be challenging and complex. While professional help may be necessary, you can take steps to support your partner while also protecting your own well-being. Understanding the causes of anger, learning how to communicate with an angry spouse, and seeking support can help you navigate this situation. But your safety and well-being should always be your priority. If you feel unsafe, reach out to a professional or someone you trust.
If you or a loved one struggles with anger, know that change and balance are possible. With Rula’s therapist-matching platform, you can find the right in-network therapist for you. After choosing the right care and provider for you, you can schedule your first meeting as soon as tomorrow.
Leslie Hughes
Leslie is a freelance writer who has written for Plunge, PYM (Prepare Your Mind) supplements, Tony Robbins’ Lifeforce products, Navitas Organics, Vital Red Light devices, Sameday Health, Inito Fertility Monitor, the InFlow ADHD app, Live Healthillie, and more.
Leslie has lived with anxiety her whole life, but when her partner was diagnosed with terminal stage 3 brain cancer, it reached an unimaginable peak. Around this time, Leslie decided to dedicate herself to strengthening and supporting her mental health. This journey ignited a passion to help others, as she experienced the power of having the right tools and knowledge while navigating life’s challenges.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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Rula's editorial team is on a mission to make science-backed mental health insights accessible and practical for every person seeking to better understand or improve mental wellness.
Members of Rula’s clinical leadership team and other expert providers contribute to all published content, offering guidance on themes and insights based on their firsthand experience in the field. Every piece of content is thoroughly reviewed by a clinician before publishing.
