Questioning your sexuality is a normal part of personal growth and self-discovery.
There’s no need to label your sexual orientation if you don’t want to. But learning about different terms can help understand your attractions.
Speaking with a trusted friend or LGBTQ+-affirming therapist may help you feel less alone as you explore your sexual identity.
Learning who you are and what you like can take time. For many people, questioning sexuality is an important part of this process. As you have new experiences, you discover more about your sexual attractions and preferences.
Understanding your sexuality can feel like finding a missing puzzle piece. It can help increase self-acceptance, reduce shame, and allow you to connect with people who make you feel good about yourself. If you’re currently feeling confused or overwhelmed by your sexuality, therapy can provide a safe space to ask questions and explore your identity without judgment.
Signs you’re questioning your sexuality
Questioning your sexuality is a natural part of self-discovery and personal growth. It can happen when you’re single or in a relationship, during your youth or later in life, and seemingly at random.
It’s common for teens and young adults to explore their sexuality identity, but you can also question your sexuality later in life. One study found that nearly 6% of adults changed sexual identities at least once over seven years.
Some signs that you might be questioning your sexuality include:
You've been learning about other sexual orientations to see if something clicks.
You’re physically attracted to people of various genders.
You've fantasized about physical intimacy with people of various genders.
You know you’re not attracted to the opposite gender but don't understand what label feels right for you.
You wonder what it would be like to date people of a different gender than usual.
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Why you might question your sexuality
Sexual attractions, behaviors, and identities are thought to be fluid. This means your feelings and attractions can evolve. Anyone can question their sexuality at any time, but here are some reasons you might be currently thinking about your sexuality identity.
You’ve met someone new. If you've always been attracted to people of a certain gender, you might be surprised to have feelings or desires for someone of a different gender.
You’ve been exposed to new cultures. Learning about the LGBTQ+ community may inspire you to reflect on your own experiences and attractions.
You want clarity and connection. Not understanding your sexuality can be isolating. For some people, labeling their identity is a chance to feel more confident and comfortable connecting with others.
You have sexual orientation OCD. Questioning your sexuality can also be a symptom of sexual orientation OCD, a condition characterized by intrusive thoughts about your attractions and sexual orientation.
You’re concerned about your mental health. Sexual minorities — including people who are questioning — have a greater risk of mental health challenges, such as depression, suicidal thoughts,* and unhealthy substance use. Understanding your sexuality may alleviate some mental health concerns or encourage you to get the help you need.
*A note on safety: Members of the LGBTQ+ community are at an increased risk of suicidality. If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself, don’t hesitate to ask for help. You can contact the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 from any phone. Their counselors will provide confidential support and resources to help keep you safe. You can also contact The Trevor Project anytime, 24/7 for LGBTQ-affirming crisis and peer support.
Figuring out where your feelings fit
Your sexuality is who you’re romantically, sexually, or emotionally attracted to. Sexual attraction involves a desire for sexual and physical intimacy, while romantic attraction is based on a desire to build a romantic connection with someone.
While there’s no need to label your sexual orientation, learning about these different terms can help you explore what feels right to you. Several examples of sexual orientations include:
Gay: You’re physically, romantically, or emotionally attracted to people of the same gender.
Lesbian: You’re a female who’s physically, romantically, and/or emotionally attracted to other females.
Bisexual: You’re attracted to two or more genders.
Asexual: You experience little to no sexual or romantic attraction.
Heterosexual: You’re physically, romantically, or emotionally attracted to people of a different gender.
Heteroflexible: You’re mostly attracted to the opposite gender but occasionally experience same-gender attraction.
What to do if you’re unsure about your sexuality
When thinking about your sexuality, it’s important to be honest with yourself. Journaling about your thoughts, experiences, and desires can help you make sense of what you do and don't like.
You may want to start by asking yourself a few simple questions, like:
Have you ever had a crush? If so, what was their gender?
If you close your eyes and picture your dream partner, what gender are they?
What type of couples are you drawn to on TV or social media? Do you prefer heterosexual or same-sex couples?
How would you feel about having a sexual relationship with someone of a different gender(s)?
Another way to help process your sexuality is to speak with someone you trust. Connect with a friend, mentor, or neighbor who can offer encouragement and advice as you explore your sexuality. You may even want to find a therapist who specializes in LGBTQ+ care.
LGBTQ+-affirming therapists can provide empathy, support, and guidance as you reflect on your sexuality. You’ll learn to build self-acceptance and emotional resilience so you can improve your overall well-being. They can even help you share your feelings with an existing partner and decide if and when to discuss your sexuality with others.
If you’re not ready to speak with anyone, that’s OK. Learning from others is a great place to start. There are plenty of resources for people who think they might be gay, asexual, or another sexual orientation. Check out an affirming podcast, book, or influencer to hear from others who have shared a similar journey. You can also contact an LGBTQ+ hotline to learn about local resources and events.
You don’t need to have a label to be valid. It’s OK to take your time and explore what feels true for you — at your own pace, not anyone else’s. Who you are matters, even if you’re still figuring it out.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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Sexuality can be complicated, but working with a therapist can help you make sense of your attractions and preferences. Therapy can be a safe space to explore your identity.
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Alex Bachert
Alex Bachert is a freelance copywriter and mental health advocate. Since earning her masters degree in public health, she has focused her career on creating informative content that empowers people to prioritize their health and well-being. Alex has partnered with organizations like Ro, WellTheory, and Firsthand, and her work has been recognized by the Digital Health Association.
When she’s not writing about mental health, Alex is usually playing pickleball, meeting with her local board of health, or enjoying time with her three kids.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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Rula's editorial team is on a mission to make science-backed mental health insights accessible and practical for every person seeking to better understand or improve mental wellness.
Members of Rula’s clinical leadership team and other expert providers contribute to all published content, offering guidance on themes and insights based on their firsthand experience in the field. Every piece of content is thoroughly reviewed by a clinician before publishing.
