All couples have their issues. But there’s a difference between healthy conflict and signs of incompatibility.
Many couples disagree about the same things. For example, you might argue about money, parenting, or leisure time.
If you’re having problems in your relationship, strengthening your communication and regular check-ins can help. If you need additional support, consider working with a couples therapist.
All relationships have issues from time to time, and it’s OK to have disagreements with someone you love.
However, if your relationship feels rocky, you might be concerned about long-term compatibility. Every couple is unique, and only you and your partner know which challenges you’re willing to navigate. But by exploring some common relationship issues and how other couples approach them, you can strengthen your problem-solving skills and decide together what’s best for your future.
The most common relationship issues
Research [1] shows that, for many couples, conflict revolves around similar themes.
These topics are known to cause relationship issues:
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Finances
You’ve probably heard that money can be a hotly debated topic in relationships. Often, these conflicts aren’t just about saving and spending. They’re also shaped by our values around money and what it means to us.
Money can be a source of stress if a couple is struggling to pay bills, accumulating debt, have different money habits, come from upbringings with different financial values or experiences, or can’t align on a budget. A couple can also disagree about their financial planning, how much to spend on extras versus necessities, or how much they need to earn to feel secure.
Communication
If you and your partner aren’t able to communicate effectively, it’s going to be harder to solve problems.
This disconnect usually isn’t intentional. You and your partner might have different personality types or preferred ways of communicating. You might also have different processing speeds. For example, one of you might like to hash things out in the moment, while the other person might need more time to think before responding.
There’s nothing wrong with having different communication styles. What matters most is that you find a way to help each other feel seen, heard, and understood.
Household responsibilities
Maybe you’re a self-proclaimed “neat freak,” and it drives you crazy when your partner leaves their dirty socks on the floor. Or maybe it’s the other way around, and your partner's standard for cleanliness is a source of stress for you.
If people have very different chore preferences, it can lead to conflict. Moving in together and creating a peaceful home requires compromise. When household expectations aren’t aligned, it can lead to resentment on both sides.
Free time
When you have a day to yourself, how do you like to spend it? If your answer is different from your partner’s, it might mean that you don’t see eye to eye on leisure time.
For example, if you love alone time on the weekends but your partner always wants to hang out with friends, you might feel hurt or overlooked. It’s healthy to have your own interests and to be energized by different things. But couples need to decide together how to balance their needs for closeness and independence within their often-limited free time.
Parenting and children
Not every couple will have children. However, for those who do, different parenting styles can create issues.
Often, a person’s parenting style is shaped by their own parents and childhood. Some people want to replicate their parents’ approach, while others might want to do things differently. But if you aren’t on the same page with your co-parent, it can increase conflict.
For example, not agreeing on household rules, consequences, or expectations for kids can make it difficult to parent as a united front. And if one parent undermines the other, it can create instability in the home that can negatively affect everyone — including kids.
How to navigate relationship issues together
If any of the relationship issues listed above sound familiar, know that you’re not alone. Many couples face these challenges. But the good news is that you can learn to navigate them together.
If you’re both willing to make an effort, the following tips can help:
Talk about it with intention
If there’s an issue that’s bothering you, it’s important to talk to your partner about it. However, the way you bring it up and how you describe the problem will impact the outcome of the conversation. This can be hard to do, especially if you’re angry. But try to avoid shame, blame, and criticism. Focus on your own feelings using “I” statements [2] and ask your partner for what you need.
It’s also important to take responsibility for your part in the conflict and to apologize sincerely for any hurt you may have caused. Emphasize that you and your partner are on the same team and that you want to work together to make things better.
Have regular check-ins
When life gets busy, it can feel like you and your partner are running in opposite directions. Working, taking care of a home, and raising children can leave little time for connection. But relationship issues tend to magnify the longer they fester.
Instead, try to make time to sit down and talk regularly, even if just for a few minutes. Try to choose a quiet and private space with minimal distractions so you can focus on one another. Frequent relationship check-ins can help increase accountability and help you feel more connected.
Create shared goals
When was the last time you and your partner talked about your vision for the future? You might sense that you want most of the same things. But if you’re not sure, it can be helpful to realign expectations. Working toward some “big-picture” goals together can help you feel united. It can also help you make shared decisions and focus on things that will serve your goals.
For example, maybe you want to downsize in the next few years, work on improving your physical health, or relocate. Tackling these goals side by side can make them easier to achieve.
Honor your boundaries
Many relationship issues are solvable with the right support. But some challenges are truly insurmountable. Both partners must be invested in making positive change, and it’s OK to end a relationship that isn’t serving you.
You alone get to decide what you will and won’t put up with. If your partner isn’t willing to work on things or they’re unable to meet your needs, the healthiest choice might be to move on.*
*Relationship issues aren’t the same as abuse. No one deserves to be hurt by a romantic partner. If you’re being harmed in your relationship, don’t hesitate to ask for help. There are safe, confidential resources that can help keep you safe.
Ask for help
If you’re looking for support navigating relationship issues, couples counseling can help. Therapy can provide dedicated time to address problems, process uncomfortable emotions, and learn to communicate more effectively.
While disagreements are a normal part of most romantic relationships, couples counseling can help you learn to solve conflicts in healthier ways.
A common mistake couples make is trying to solve the surface problem with logic or compromise while skipping the emotional repair that actually stops the cycle from repeating.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Clinical reviewer
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Even the most stable and loving relationships have their issues. Occasional conflict doesn’t mean that your relationship is unhealthy. But if it happens all the time, it can spell trouble for your future.
Fortunately, many common relationship issues can be solved if both partners can make a change. If you want to stay together, communicating with intention, having regular check-ins, and going to couples counseling (if needed) can help you resolve conflict and navigate issues together.
At Rula, we’re here to help you feel better. Rula makes it easy to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who takes your insurance. That way, you don’t have to choose between great care and a price you can afford.
Rula patients pay about $15 per session with insurance, and 93% say they feel better after getting care through Rula. We have 21,000+ providers, and appointments are available as soon as tomorrow. We’re here to help you take the next step — wherever you are in your mental health journey.
References
- For Richer, for Poorer: Money as a Topic of Marital Conflict in the Home https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3230928/
- “I” Messages or “I” Statements https://www.bumc.bu.edu/facdev-medicine/files/2011/08/I-messages-handout.pdf
Liz Talago
Liz Talago, M.ed. is a mental health professional turned content writer and strategist based in the Detroit metro area. As an independent consultant for mental health organizations, Liz creates meaningful connections between brands and their audiences through strategic storytelling. Liz is known for championing diverse perspectives within the mental health industry and translating bold ideas into inspiring, affirming digital experiences.
In her free time, you can find her hiking with her two German Shepherds, puttering around her dahlia garden, or spending time with her family.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Ashley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in generational healing and family dynamics. Ashley has worked in schools, clinics, and in private practice. She believes that people’s relationships, including our relationship with ourselves, greatly shape our experiences in life.
Ashley is committed to empowering others to show up authentically and deepen their self understanding. This passion stems from taking a critical lens on her own life story and doing inner healing. One of her favorite quotes is “Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.”
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