13 red flags that could spell trouble for your relationship

You’ve just met someone amazing. But while you’re caught up in the excitement, your friends are pointing out red flags you might be overlooking.

Red flags are clear warning signs of unhealthy, harmful, or toxic behavior, and it’s easy to miss the warning signs in a new relationship. You might excuse bad behavior, overlook your own needs, mistake control for concern, or confuse jealousy with love. Emotional connections can blur reality, making you hold on even when there are signs that the relationship might not be healthy.

Recognizing red flags isn’t always easy. A therapist can help identify them by providing an unbiased perspective. They’ll help you identify patterns, set healthy boundaries, and build confidence, making it less likely that you’ll overlook warning signs or stay in unhealthy situations.

Red flags to watch out for in your relationship

Not all red flags are obvious. Sometimes, they hide behind subtle behaviors that may seem harmless at first, like small digs masked as jokes or the occasional silent treatment. Over time, these patterns can quietly chip away at your confidence. Recognizing these red flags early on can save you from deeper emotional pain and wasted time in an unhealthy relationship.

Relationship red flags can include:

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1. Disrespect/constant criticism

Making fun of you and brushing it off as humor is a red flag — especially when it’s harsh, unconstructive, or meant to belittle. When criticism is used to control, manipulate, or lower your confidence, it’s a form of emotional abuse. Often, this behavior stems from insecurity, jealousy, or a need to feel superior. 

2. Controlling behavior

Constantly wanting to know where you are and who you’re with, deciding what you wear, putting big purchase items only in their name, or demanding access to your phone or social media are all signs of controlling behavior. This often stems from past trauma, insecurity, fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, or growing up in a home where control was normalized.

3. Jealousy

Getting upset when you spend time with others or accusing you of being unfaithful without reason can signal deeper issues, like insecurity, lack of trust, or possessiveness. In extreme cases, jealousy can lead to emotional or physical abuse. It’s often triggered by feelings of insecurity, fear of loss, past experiences of betrayal, unmet emotional needs, or attachment issues.

4. Emotional instability

Shifting from affectionate to distant without explanation, keeping you guessing where you stand, and experiencing frequent and intense mood swings are all potential red flags. Emotional instability can result from unresolved trauma, difficulty managing emotions, or conditions like ADHD or mood disorders that amplify mood swings.

5. Manipulation

Using fear, guilt, or obligation to control your decisions is a red flag. Healthy relationships are built on honesty and respect, not control or deceit. People may manipulate due to insecurity, fear of losing control, or learned behavior from past experiences. It’s also common in some personality disorders.

6. Lack of accountability

Refusing to take responsibility for actions, denying mistakes, or dismissing your feelings can all signal emotional immaturity. Healthy relationships require both partners to own their behavior and show empathy when issues arise. Emotional immaturity can be caused by unresolved childhood issues or a lack of emotional development.

7. Gaslighting

This is a form of emotional manipulation in which someone tries to make their partner doubt their own memory, reality, or feelings. They might deny things ever happened, twist the truth, or accuse their partner of being “crazy” or “overly sensitive.” Gaslighting is often used to control others and can result from childhood trauma, a personality disorder, or other mental health issues.

8. Poor communication

Vague or one-sided conversations are red flags — and so is avoiding conversations in general. Healthy relationships thrive on honest, open dialogue. If you’re always guessing how your partner feels or struggling to express your own thoughts, it could point to deeper issues. People with poor communication skills often grew up in a home where open communication wasn’t encouraged or may struggle to understand and express their emotions.

9. Isolation

If someone insists on spending all their time alone with you and tries to pull you away from family and friends, it’s a red flag. Cutting off a partner’s support system is a common tactic in abusive relationships to make control easier. This behavior often stems from anxiety, stress, insecurity, or past trauma.

10. Deception

Healthy relationships are built on trust, and when lies surface, it can shake that foundation. People might use deception to keep the relationship going, protect their image, avoid conflict, and assert control.

11. Cheating

People cheat for different reasons, including low self-esteem, stress, anger, or unresolved childhood trauma. Cheating isn’t just physical. Emotional cheating happens when someone develops an emotionally intimate connection with someone outside of a committed romantic relationship in a way that breaches agreed-upon boundaries.

12. Love bombing

This happens when a partner overwhelms you early on with excessive gifts and compliments. While it might seem romantic, love bombing can also be a tactic to create quick attachment or gain control. 

This behavior often stems from insecurity or a need for dominance. If it feels overwhelming, expressing your need to take things slower is important. A healthy partner will respect that. If they don’t (or if they try to guilt-trip you) it might be a sign of manipulation.

13. Breadcrumbing

Breadcrumbing is when someone gives you just enough attention or affection to keep you interested, but not enough to build a real connection or fully commit. Some people do this to boost their ego, keep their options open, or receive validation while avoiding commitment.

How to determine if it’s a misunderstanding or a red flag

Relationships aren’t always smooth, and some conflict is normal even in healthy relationships. But if you notice red flags coming up in your relationship, consider the following to check in with yourself. 

• Is it a pattern or a one-time mistake? Occasional misunderstandings happen, but if your partner’s behavior is excessive, irrational, or used to justify toxic actions, it’s a clear red flag. 
• How do you feel about it? If your partner’s behavior causes you distress, undermines your self-esteem, or violates your boundaries, it’s a sign the issue is serious and shouldn’t be ignored.
• How does your partner respond to your boundaries? If you express discomfort and your partner dismisses, mocks, or continues the behavior, it shows a lack of respect. This kind of behavior is unacceptable and needs to be addressed. 

What to do if you spot potential red flags

If you’ve identified a red flag in your relationship, here’s what to do next.

• Be specific and honest. Clearly describe the behavior that concerns you and how it makes you feel. Use “I” statements to express how you feel without sounding accusatory. For example, say, “I value honesty, and when things aren’t truthful, it really hurts. When you told me you were working late, but I found out you weren’t, it made me feel uncertain. Can we talk about why this happened?”
• Gauge their willingness to change. Red flags can be addressed, but it takes genuine self-awareness and consistent effort. Open communication, therapy, and a commitment to personal growth are key. Your partner needs to recognize that the behavior is harmful and be motivated to change — not just to save the relationship but also for their own well-being.
• Make hard decisions if the behavior continues. If you’ve tried the above strategies but the behavior continues or your partner is unwilling to change, it’s time to look inward. What about this relationship or dynamic keeps you in it? For some, it may seem familiar due to how they grew up. For others, they may have “invested too much time” or have children with this person. Working with a therapist can help you sort through these thoughts and find a plan that works for you.

Find help with Rula

Recognizing red flags in a relationship isn’t always easy. It’s tempting to take words at face value and assume the best. Therapy can help by providing an unbiased perspective, spotting patterns, and teaching you how to set healthy boundaries. A therapist can also help you build self-awareness, strengthen communication skills, and develop the confidence to address issues before they escalate.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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