Reparenting your inner child

So many of us didn’t receive the care and nurturing we needed when we were children, which can result in an insecure attachment style. This can result in emotional challenges into adulthood. Reparenting is a therapeutic process that corrects these hurtful experiences from your early life and helps you feel safe in your own skin — and the world — again.

You don’t need to have experienced significant abuse or trauma to benefit from reparenting. If you’re interested in learning how to reparent yourself, a therapist can help you build trust in yourself and heal your inner child.

How reparenting works

Reparenting ^[1] is a method used in therapy to help you heal attachment trauma. If your needs weren’t met as a child — especially as a very young child or infant — you probably developed an insecure attachment style. This means that you may have a hard time feeling safe and connected in relationships as an adult. You may have also experienced abuse, neglect, or another type of trauma during early childhood, which can lead to lifelong emotional pain and difficulty trusting others.

In reparenting, the therapist focuses on creating a caring and dependable relationship. They show empathy and consistency, much like a healthy parent would. This can help you feel safer and more secure in yourself and your connections with others — all within clear professional boundaries.

Reparenting helps you care for yourself in the ways you once needed but didn’t receive. This can help you heal the inner child who still lives inside you in the form of your attachment style, traumatic memories, and emotional responses.

For example, your therapist might guide you to gently revisit memories from childhood while they support you when challenging emotions arise. They may offer validation, reassurance, or a sense of emotional safety. This can help your inner child finally experience the safety and care they needed when you were younger.

The different types of reparenting therapy include:

• Limited reparenting (schema therapy): In schema therapy, therapists work to try to reach a client’s “vulnerable child” by noticing moments when early emotional wounds are triggered and responding with warmth, guidance, and emotional safety.

• Spot reparenting: This type of reparenting focuses on helping you heal from specific traumatic events from childhood rather than general experiences.

• Self-reparenting: In self-reparenting, clients take on the role of reparenting themselves instead of relying on the therapist as the parental figure. This may involve practicing self-kindness or challenging an inner critic that developed from earlier experiences.

Who can benefit from reparenting

Anyone can benefit from reparenting. But it’s especially helpful and important for people who may not have had ideal experiences in their childhood. You don’t necessarily have to have experienced severe trauma to benefit.

A person might seek out reparenting therapy if:

• They were parentified as children and were never able to experience the freedom of being cared for.

• They were abused or neglected as children, which has led to attachment trauma and relationship difficulties as an adult.

• They experienced abandonment trauma. For example, maybe an important parental figure in their life died unexpectedly.

• Early childhood trauma has led to mental health conditions, like borderline personality disorder (BPD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety disorders, or depression.

• They have a hard time trusting others or expressing emotional needs.

• Chronic self-criticism makes it difficult to feel worthy of love or support.

• They feel stuck in patterns of unhealthy or unpredictable relationships.

Guidance for your reparenting journey

If you’re interested in the reparenting process to heal your inner child and attachment trauma, here are some steps you can take to get started.

1. Start with awareness of unmet needs

First, think about why you’re seeking reparenting. What were your unmet needs as a child? It may help to think about specific examples. Try to identify, as specifically as possible, the unmet childhood needs that you now want to care for through reparenting.

2. Give yourself permission to play

A common unmet need for children — especially parentified children — is the need for play. You may have felt like you were so busy taking care of other people when you were younger that you had no time to just be a kid. 

Today, give yourself that permission to play. Notice any feelings of guilt that might come up, and put them aside. Fun is a basic emotional need, not a luxury.

3. Nurture yourself

Many people with attachment trauma didn’t receive enough nurturing as children. But you can provide this for yourself as an adult. 

One important way to nurture yourself is to take care of your body. For example, cook a delicious and healthy meal for yourself. Nurturing can also include rest, comfort, and soothing activities like wrapping yourself in a blanket or spending time in a calming space.

4. Speak to yourself kindly

Another way you can nurture yourself is by practicing self-kindness. Your inner critic may be the voice of a parent who constantly criticized you as a child. 

If you notice that your self-talk becomes critical or harsh, gently correct it, and speak to yourself the way a loving caregiver might. This can help you build a more supportive inner voice over time. For example, if you think, “I always mess things up,” you might replace it with, “I’m learning, and it’s OK to make mistakes.” Over time, this can help you build a more supportive inner voice.

5. Find a therapist

Even if you’re interested in self-reparenting, it’s best to go through the process with a qualified therapist. Often, the reparenting journey brings up attachment trauma. It can be upsetting and even dangerous to relive these traumas without support. A therapist can help you process these emotions safely and guide you as you build healthier patterns.

Clinician’s take

A common mistake is trying to ‘do it perfectly,’ which just repeats old patterns of self-criticism. Reparenting works best when you approach it with gentleness. Remember: It’s about progress, not perfection.

Brandy Chalmers, LPC

Clinical reviewer