Key Takeaways
Saving your marriage involves you and your spouse committing to positive change, like strengthening communication or learning to navigate conflict in healthy ways.
Small gestures like compliments and validating positive emotions can help break the cycle of negativity.
Couples therapy can provide a safe, structured opportunity to invest in the health of your relationship and rebuild a loving connection.
You might be at a crossroads in your marriage.
Part of you might want to try to fix things. Another part of you might want to end the relationship. Only you can decide what’s best for you and your future.
However, if you want to save your marriage, know that it’s possible as long as both partners are willing to work toward positive change. This process might not be easy, and there may be some bumps along the way. If you’re both committed to saving your marriage, you can rebuild the close, loving relationship you deserve.
Rethink the way you communicate
Do you ever feel like every time you have a conversation, you wind up in an argument?
Disagreements are an inevitable part of any relationship, including marriage. But it’s possible to discuss challenging topics without hurting each other. Research shows that newlyweds who demonstrated anger and pessimism [1] during difficult conversations were more likely to get divorced years later.
So the next time you want to issue a complaint, try a gentler approach with an “I” statement. For example, instead of saying, “I can’t believe you forgot to pay the rent again. I have to do everything!” say something like, “I feel scared when important responsibilities don't get taken care of. It hurts my trust and then I feel like I need to take it over. That’s not healthy for either of us.”
Make small but meaningful gestures
About 75% of happily married couples [1] say that their spouses frequently make them feel special or cared for. But if you’re experiencing conflict or distance in your marriage, this might seem hard to do.
To break out of this cycle, try to acknowledge your partner in ways they will appreciate. Small gestures like a back rub after a long day, giving a genuine compliment, or validating positive emotions can go a long way in rebuilding closeness. This sort of positive emotional engagement can increase marital stability [2] and help prevent divorce.
Try new things together
When life gets busy, it can be hard to make time for each other. But you don’t have to go to a fancy restaurant or plan an expensive vacation to reignite your spark. Research on long-term marriages shows that friendship, companionship, and quality time [2] can help keep relationships strong.
It’s also important to break out of your comfort zone and introduce novelty when you can. For example, maybe you go to the same restaurants or watch a movie every Friday. And while having shared rituals is important, trying new things can help bring you closer together. This is evidenced by a study [1] which found that couples who reported boredom in their marriage by year 7 were more likely to be dissatisfied in their marriage by year 16.
Some couples will find a book or podcast they both like and read or listen to them at the same time. Each night they can spend a few minutes discussing the content and takeaways together. This allows for an attainable and affordable way to get to know each other more and connect.
Talk about deeper issues
Most married couples have shared domestic responsibilities — especially if they have children. They have to talk about day-to-day things like laundry, bills, schedules, and more to keep their household running smoothly. But according to marriage and relationship expert Dr. John Gottman [1], this sort of surface-level communication can only take you so far.
Happy couples don’t just talk about who’s doing the dishes or taking out the trash. They also explore their values, goals, and vision for the future. They wrestle with existential questions like, “What’s the meaning of life?” or, “What do we want the legacy of our marriage to be?”
You don’t need to dive into these topics every day. But try to make time to focus on each other and open up in these deeper conversations when you can. You can look up question topics online or even find a board game that invites open ended questions and answers specifically for couples.
Define intimacy for yourselves
Research [2] shows that strong communication around sexual satisfaction correlates with improved happiness and mental health for couples.
But other forms of intimacy can be just as important. Emotional intimacy is what helps people feel close and connected in long-term relationships. It’s what makes people feel like they can be completely themselves around their partner.
You and your spouse can create more emotional intimacy by laughing together, expressing gratitude, and scheduling regular check-ins to talk about how you’re feeling. These efforts can improve your communication skills, reduce feelings of loneliness in the relationship, and help you and your partner feel like you’re on the same team.
Consider couples therapy
If you and your spouse are committed to saving your marriage, know that you don’t have to navigate this experience alone.
Couples therapy can provide a safe, supportive space to process conflict, strengthen your communication skills, and rebuild trust. There’s no guarantee that it will work for every couple. But a study from the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy found that 70% of couples [3] who attend therapy together experience positive change.
Clinician's take
A positive shift couples can make when trying to reconnect is focusing on small moments of warmth and curiosity before trying to solve anything. When they build that sense of safety first, the rest of the conversation flows more easily.
Find care with Rula
All marriages go through rough patches from time to time. But if you’re worried about the future of your relationship, it’s possible to rekindle the romance if you and your partner are committed to positive change. Improving your communication and conflict-resolution skills is a great place to start. If you need additional support, consider couples therapy. This can provide a safe, supportive opportunity to build relationship skills and process challenges with a neutral third party.
At Rula, we’re here to help you feel better. Rula makes it easy to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who takes your insurance. That way, you don’t have to choose between great care and a price you can afford.
Rula patients pay about $15 per session with insurance, and 93% say they feel better after getting care through Rula. We have 21,000+ providers, and appointments are available as soon as tomorrow. We’re here to help you take the next step — wherever you are in your mental health journey.
