How to shift from self-criticism to self-compassion

Most of us have been critical of ourselves at some point. It’s normal to reflect on our actions or behavior and wonder how we can do better. However, there’s a point at which healthy self-reflection or holding ourselves accountable turns into toxic self-criticism. It might sound like a constant stream of negative thoughts or feeling like you’ll never be “good enough.” 

When unkind words define the way we talk to ourselves, it can negatively affect mental health. The root of your self-criticism may be due to underlying mental health conditions. But it’s possible to change the way you speak to yourself and develop more compassionate self-talk. The first step is noticing when your inner critic starts speaking up. 

What your inner critic might sound like

It's OK, and even healthy, to occasionally critique yourself. For example, you might reflect on how you can get closer to your goals or how you can put more effort into a relationship.  

But it starts to become problematic when your inner critic takes over, and all you can focus on are your perceived flaws or weaknesses. Unhealthy self-criticism sounds unkind and even cruel. It’s not about giving yourself ideas for improvement. It’s criticizing yourself in ways that you typically would never speak to your loved ones.

Your inner critic might say things like: 

• “I hate myself,” “You’re worthless,” or other remarks that indicate self-loathing 

• “You can never do anything right,” “You always make these mistakes,” and other black-or-white statements that aren’t true

• “Why are you sad? It’s not a big deal,” “You’re too sensitive,” or other remarks that are self-invalidating 

• “You don’t deserve good things,” or other statements that dismiss your worth

• “If you can’t do it perfectly, don’t bother,” or other thoughts rooted in perfectionism

• “You’re such an embarrassment,” or other things related to shame

• Calling yourself unkind names, like “stupid,” “lazy,” or “bad”

Why some people are overly self-critical

We don’t know for sure why some people are more self-critical than others, but experts have come up with different theories. These include growing up with intensely critical caregivers, mental health concerns like anxiety disorders and depression, perfectionistic tendencies, and insecure attachment styles. 

Parental criticism

People who are overly self-critical were often held to too high of standards as children. You may have received approval and acceptance from your caregivers only when you were able to meet these expectations. When you didn’t meet them, you may have been faced with rejection, humiliation, or even abuse. 

Mental health concerns

There’s a strong link between self-criticism and mental health conditions like depression and eating disorders. We need more research, but it’s possible that self-criticism increases the risk of developing these disorders — not the other way around. Self-criticism can also break down your self-esteem over time.

Perfectionism

Research has also found a strong link between perfectionism and self-criticism. If you have perfectionist tendencies, you might be more likely to hold yourself to higher and higher standards. This can lead you to believe that nothing you do or accomplish is “good enough.” 

Insecure attachment

Attachment theory can also play a role. Research shows that people with insecure attachment patterns are much more likely to be self-critical. Anxious attachment, specifically, is highly linked with self-criticism. 

How self-criticism affects you over time

Balanced self-reflection may help you meet your goals and focus on self-improvement. But being overly self-critical without also recognizing your strengths can have negative effects on your life. It can: 

• Impact your identity: Especially if you grew up with critical caregivers, self-criticism may be a large part of who you believe you are. But holding on to these messages can prevent you from accurately knowing your authentic self.

• Stand in the way of healthy relationships: Self-criticism can also affect your relationships. If you see yourself as unworthy, you might tolerate mistreatment from others, avoid intimacy, or withdraw from social situations altogether. This can make it harder to build supportive, healthy connections. 

• Make it hard to accomplish your goals: In daily life, constant self-criticism can sap your motivation and make you more likely to procrastinate or give up on goals. Over time, it may stop you from trying new things or taking opportunities, because you’ve learned to expect failure or believe you don’t deserve success.

Overcoming harsh thoughts about yourself

If self-criticism is affecting your life and self-esteem, it’s important to try to introduce some self-compassion. This can be easier said than done, but it’s possible with sustained practice and support. 

You can also consider the following strategies:  

• Focus on the truth. Self-criticism can trap you because it takes you away from focusing on a more realistic picture of your authentic self. The real you includes both strengths and opportunities for growth. So instead of trying to be artificially positive, just try to focus on the whole truth — not just the negative parts. This can sound like, “Even though some of my interview answers could have been more thought out, I am so proud I put myself out there.” 

• Identify critical thoughts. When you have self-critical thoughts, actively recognize them. It may help to name your self-critical voice, and identify it when it’s speaking. For example, you might internally say something like, “That’s just my inner critic. She doesn't always reflect the full truth.”

• Reframe negative thoughts. When you do identify your inner critic speaking, try to challenge and reframe its words. For example, if your inner critic says, “You failed. You’re terrible at this,” you might respond with, “I didn’t meet my goal this time, but I can learn from it and try again.”

• Work with a therapist. A therapist can help you understand where your self-critical patterns come from, address the underlying beliefs that fuel them, and develop practical strategies for responding to them with compassion instead of judgment.

Clinician’s take

One small, practical step is to notice when a self-critical thought shows up and reframe it as if you were speaking to a close friend. Even replacing one harsh phrase, like, ‘I’m so stupid,’ with a gentler one, ‘I made a mistake, but I’m learning,’ helps the brain practice a more compassionate inner dialogue. Over time, these small shifts add up to a kinder, steadier mindset.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer