What to expect when one partner is emotionally unavailable

Have you ever had the experience of being physically close to someone but still feeling worlds apart?

If so, it could have been the result of emotional unavailability. We all know that it takes more than physical closeness to feel connected to someone. But for some people, an emotional connection can be harder to build than a physical one. This often has to do with how a person was raised and their relationships with their primary caregivers.

These experiences shape something called your “attachment style.”  And this can impact your emotional availability and lead you to feel emotionally checked out in adult relationships.

What does emotionally unavailable mean?

People who are emotionally unavailable have trouble recognizing and responding to others’ emotional needs. They may also struggle to interpret and acknowledge their own inner emotional experiences.

Emotions are like a language we use to relate to one another. And typically, a person who is emotionally unavailable cannot “speak” this language fluently and may seem emotionally absent. This makes it difficult for them to understand or acknowledge others’ experiences. It can also prevent them from helping partners, friends, and loved ones feel seen and heard.

A person who is emotionally unavailable may appear distant, cold, or disinterested in what you have to say. A husband or boyfriend might avoid serious talks. A partner may shut down during conflict or change the subject when feelings come up. But it’s important to understand that this isn’t always a conscious choice. Rather, it’s usually the result of an avoidant attachment style due to how the person was raised or previous insecure relationships. This is one of the most heartbreaking parts of this experience. Often, people who appear emotionally unavailable crave closeness. But they lack the awareness and skills needed to build it in their important relationships.

Fortunately, people can learn to become more emotionally available. By dealing with underlying issues and expanding their communication skills, they can strengthen their connections with the people they love.

Dig deeper:

• Being in a relationship with an avoidant partner

Signs of an emotionally unavailable partner

Emotional unavailability can show up in different ways, depending on the person and the relationship. If you think you might have a partner who is emotionally unavailable, there are some common signs to be aware of.

You may be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable — or emotionally distant — if:

• They seem uncomfortable when you bring up emotional conversations or serious topics.

• They struggle to articulate how they’re feeling when you ask them.

• They are uncomfortable with both emotional and physical intimacy.

• They “shut down” during conflicts.

• They have an easier time expressing primary emotions, like happiness or anger, but can’t easily express sadness, fear, or vulnerability.

• They appear detached or uninterested in your experience.

• They don’t respond when you try to deepen your connection.

• They don’t see a lack of closeness in the relationship as a problem.

• They tend to have short-term relationships and don’t have anyone they can confide in.

Can you maintain a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable?

Research shows that many romantic relationships end due to a lack of emotional closeness. If your partner isn’t interested in working toward greater emotional availability and you aren’t getting what you need from the relationship, know that it’s OK to consider ending the relationship.

That said, if you want to maintain a relationship with someone who’s currently emotionally unavailable, here are some strategies to consider.

1. Set realistic expectations. If you know that your partner cannot meet your emotional needs, acknowledge that you’ll need to seek support from friends or family members.

2. Foster independence. If your relationship is not a source of emotional support, be sure to make time for self-care and other independent activities that strengthen your mental health.

3. Encourage open communication. Remember, it’s okay to speak openly and honestly about your needs and experiences. Try to use “I” statements that focus on your feelings, instead of the other person’s. This might sound something like “I feel lonely when we don’t confide in one another.”

4. Consider professional counseling for couples. If your partner is open to it, couples counseling can be a way to work together to grow your emotional closeness. It can help deepen your emotional connection and improve relationship satisfaction overall.

Dig deeper:

• Recognize low emotional intelligence

• How to build emotional intimacy

How to stop being emotionally unavailable

If your emotional unavailability is causing problems in your relationships, there are things you can do to open up and increase your emotional availability.

• Engage in self-reflection. Take some time to consider how your emotional availability, or lack thereof, has affected your relationships throughout your life. This step isn’t about blaming yourself. It’s about increasing your self-awareness and reflecting on what you’d like to change.

• Understand the role of past traumas. Often, challenges with emotional availability can stem from childhood or previous relationships . So think about your relationships with your parents or other caregivers when you were young. What messages did you receive about emotional expression? How did they respond when you expressed an emotional need? You may find that you’re unconsciously repeating these patterns in your adult relationships.

• Practice open communication. Being emotionally available doesn’t mean you have to talk about your feelings 24/7. It just means you can identify emotions in yourself and others and respond with empathy and intention. Practice telling your partner what you’re feeling and what you need, even if what you need is some time and space to process your emotions.

• Engage in active listening. When your partner is speaking to you about their feelings, you may become uncomfortable. But see if you can hold space for their emotions and demonstrate that you care about what they’re saying. You can show your concern by saying things like “That sounds like a really awful experience” or “I’m sorry you had to go through that.” You can also follow up with an open-ended question to let them know you’re there to listen if they need to talk.

• Seek professional help. If you’re having a difficult time with emotional availability, you may benefit from therapy. A mental health professional can help you explore your attachment style, address barriers to vulnerability, and work toward deepening your connections with the people you care about.

Clinician’s take

Emotional unavailability doesn’t always mean a lack of care. It often reflects difficulty with vulnerability, emotional awareness, or closeness. Fortunately, therapy can help you with these difficulties.

Brandy Chalmers, LPC

Clinical reviewer