If a loved one is dealing with infertility, you can offer meaningful support by listening, remembering sensitive dates, and being thoughtful in how you discuss your own experiences.
At the same time, try to avoid making assumptions or offering potential solutions. While likely well-meaning, these responses can feel minimizing or hurtful.
If two people are experiencing infertility at the same time, talk about what is and isn’t helpful to share. Keep lines of communication open and respect each other’s boundaries.
According to research from the National Institutes of Health [1] (NIH), infertility impacts about 9% of men and about 11% of women of reproductive age in the U.S.
So, chances are you might know someone who’s struggling to conceive. Watching someone you care about navigate the emotional and physical challenges of infertility can be difficult. You might want to help them, but you might be unsure what to do or say.
By taking some time to prepare, you can approach this sensitive topic with care and offer support to your loved one during this challenging time.
What not to say to someone struggling to get pregnant
Sometimes, considering what not to say can be just as critical as figuring out what to say — especially when bringing up emotionally charged topics like infertility.
Below are some examples of what to avoid. These typically aren’t intended to be hurtful, and the underlying sentiment is usually one of genuine concern. But what matters most is how these statements land with the person experiencing infertility, not the intention behind them.
Explore these examples:
“You’ve got plenty of time!” can come across as minimizing. In reality, no one knows if this is true. It might seem like you’re sugarcoating someone’s very real emotional pain.
“Have you tried … ?” Maybe you have a friend who tried something that they believe helped them get pregnant, and you want to offer a potential solution. But in this case, it may subtly communicate that you think the person hasn’t considered alternatives. The person who’s trying to conceive has likely explored countless options.
“You can always adopt!” might seem like a helpful suggestion. But adoption is costly, complicated, and not something that everyone wants to explore, and that’s OK. If and when the person expresses interest in exploring that option, that’s the time to offer support.
“Maybe it’s because … ” of stress, your diet — the list goes on. No matter how you finish this sentence, it can seem like you’re blaming the person for their infertility. The truth is that experts don’t yet fully understand the causes of infertility. Suggesting otherwise can create added stress and shame at an already difficult time.
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How to actually support someone with infertility
You can support someone who’s experiencing infertility in many ways. You know your friend or loved one best, so it’s likely you have some personal insight about the type of help that would be most meaningful for them.
Consider these suggestions to get started:
Be present and listen. Despite how common it is, infertility isn’t always widely discussed. So let your loved one know that you’ll be there to listen, without judgment, whenever they want to talk.
Avoid assumptions. Maybe you’ve had struggles with infertility in the past. While relating can be helpful in some instances, don’t assume that your loved one’s experience mirrors yours. Create space for them to express whatever they’re feeling — whether that’s anger, fear, relief, hopelessness, or any combination of emotions. For some people, just knowing you’ve experienced something similar is enough for them to feel comfortable opening up.
Remember sensitive dates. Mother's Day and Father's Day can be difficult for people who are living with infertility. If you’re hosting a gathering or celebrating in other ways, give your loved one some grace if they aren’t interested in participating. Also, if your loved one has experienced pregnancy loss, be mindful of those anniversaries as well.
Do something small to show you care. You don’t need to spend a ton of money on a gift to let your loved one know that you’re thinking of them. Sometimes a small, genuine gesture, like sending a card or a favorite treat, can make a big difference and remind them that they’re not alone.
Be sensitive about your own pregnancy. This can be a delicate situation for everyone involved. You might be overjoyed about your own pregnancy, and you deserve to be. But at the same time, you might be worried about how your news will affect your loved one. Consider the time and place you share this news, be prepared for a range of responses. Finally, don’t take it personally if they can’t celebrate with you right now.
How to be encouraging if you’re struggling too
If you’re also experiencing infertility, you might have less capacity to support your loved one. That’s valid. Further, it can get even more challenging if one person conceives before the other. One of you might end up feeling left behind or that you no longer share the same bond.
As in other sensitive situations, communication can go a long way when two people are dealing with infertility at the same time. Depending on your dynamic, you may want to talk to each other about what you do and don’t want to share in this journey, based on your individual needs and preferences.
For example, do you want to discuss doctor’s appointments? Daily updates? Alternative treatments or supports you’re exploring? For some people, discussing these topics can be helpful. For others, it may increase distress.
Maintaining a self-care routine can also be an important part of navigating infertility — both your own and someone else’s. Consider the activities that help you feel calmer in the face of stress or anxiety. Try to incorporate those into your daily routine, even if it's just for a few minutes per day.
If a loved one is pulling away or declining invitations to baby-related events, you can remain supportive without making them feel pressured. This can look like not pushing for more answers if their reasons seem vague, giving them space when they ask for it, and gently reminding them that you care and support their decisions.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Clinical reviewer
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Infertility is a widespread challenge, affecting millions of people. But even though it’s common, it can be hard to talk about or know how to support someone facing infertility.
You don’t need to have a perfect script to have a supportive conversation with your loved one. But it can be helpful to know what can come across as insensitive or minimizing. Instead, be present with your loved one and let them know that you’re there to listen.
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References
- How common is infertility? https://www.nichd.nih.gov/health/topics/infertility/conditioninfo/common
Liz Talago
Liz Talago, M.ed. is a mental health professional turned content writer and strategist based in the Detroit metro area. As an independent consultant for mental health organizations, Liz creates meaningful connections between brands and their audiences through strategic storytelling. Liz is known for championing diverse perspectives within the mental health industry and translating bold ideas into inspiring, affirming digital experiences.
In her free time, you can find her hiking with her two German Shepherds, puttering around her dahlia garden, or spending time with her family.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Ashley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in generational healing and family dynamics. Ashley has worked in schools, clinics, and in private practice. She believes that people’s relationships, including our relationship with ourselves, greatly shape our experiences in life.
Ashley is committed to empowering others to show up authentically and deepen their self understanding. This passion stems from taking a critical lens on her own life story and doing inner healing. One of her favorite quotes is “Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.”
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