Six healthy ways to deal with your toxic parents

Figuring out how to deal with toxic parents as an adult can feel overwhelming. You might feel angry, confused, hurt, or even guilty for setting boundaries with someone who raised you. Maybe you’ve tried to fix things only to end up feeling drained or unheard. These emotions are valid. It’s hard when the people who are supposed to care for you end up causing pain instead.

But here’s the good news: Even if your parent’s behavior hasn’t changed, you can take steps to protect your mental health and emotional well-being. With the right support, you can learn to set boundaries, reduce guilt, and build healthier relationships on your own terms. You’re not alone, and change is possible.

Signs your parent’s behavior is toxic

It’s not always easy to recognize toxic behavior from a parent — especially if you’ve grown up thinking it was normal. You might feel unsure if you’re overreacting or if their behavior is just how parents are. But if their words or actions regularly hurt you, leave you feeling small, or cause you stress long after a conversation ends, that’s a sign something isn’t right.

Toxic behavior from a parent can show up in many ways. Some common examples include:

• Passive-aggressive comments: They say things like, “I guess I just don’t matter to you anymore,” or, “Sure, do whatever you want,” in a tone that makes you feel guilty or unsure.
• Constant criticism: They rarely acknowledge your successes but often point out your flaws.
• Guilt-tripping: They say things like, “After everything I’ve done for you … ” to make you feel bad for setting boundaries or making independent choices.
• Emotional manipulation: They may twist your words or act like the victim to avoid responsibility.
• Controlling behavior: They try to control your decisions, relationships, or appearance, even as an adult.
• Disrespecting boundaries: They ignore your requests for space or privacy and act offended when you bring it up.
• Blaming you for their emotions: You might hear things like, “You make me so angry,” or, “You’re the reason I’m stressed.”
• Name-calling or belittling: They use hurtful language, even if they claim it’s “just a joke.”

Sometimes, toxic behavior is rooted in things your parents learned or experienced themselves. Their upbringing, mental health struggles, or trauma may shape how they treat others — but that doesn’t make it OK. 

Cultural or religious beliefs can also play a role. For example, some parents might believe they have the right to control their child’s choices because of traditions or values they grew up with. However, there are ways to honor your cultural background while protecting your well-being.

If these signs sound familiar, know that you’re not alone — and that recognizing the problem is a powerful first step toward healing.

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How to handle toxic parents as an adult

Dealing with a toxic parent as an adult can be really hard. You might feel a mix of sadness, anger, and guilt. Part of you may still want a close relationship even though your parent often makes you feel upset, drained, or small. It’s OK to take care of yourself, even if that means your parent feels hurt or disappointed. Setting boundaries, spending less time with them, or choosing not to let their words affect you as much are all valid ways to protect your mental and emotional health.

The strategies below can help you handle the relationship in a way that feels healthier and more respectful to yourself.

1. Protect your peace when you’re around your parent

Being around a toxic parent can feel like walking on eggshells. But you can focus on protecting your mental and emotional space through structure, boundaries, and intentional disengagement.

Strategies that help:

• Stick to routines. Create predictable habits for eating, sleeping, and recharging. This can be especially helpful if you live with your parent(s). Structure offers a sense of control in an otherwise unpredictable environment.
• Create mental distance. Not every comment requires a response. Practice disengaging with thoughts like, “This is about them, not me.”
• Use space buffers. If possible, spend time in a separate room, go outside, or listen to music with headphones. Short breaks can make a big difference.
• Limit time in shared emotional space. If conversations escalate, use a neutral exit line, like, “I’m going to take a break,” or, “Let’s talk later.”

2. Decide whether and how to talk to your parent about their behavior

Confronting a parent about toxic behavior can be complicated and confusing. It may lead to mutual understanding, or it could backfire if your parent is unwilling or unable to receive feedback. It’s worth weighing the emotional cost and your desired outcome before engaging.

Before you speak up, ask yourself:

• Have they ever taken responsibility for their actions?
• Do I feel emotionally or physically safe having this conversation?
• Am I speaking to express myself, or hoping to change them?

If you decide to talk:

• Use “I” statements. “I feel hurt when you ignore my boundaries.”
• Be specific. Focus on one behavior or moment instead of a list of grievances.
• Set clear limits. Say something like, “I won’t continue the conversation if you start yelling.”
• Keep expectations grounded. You can express your needs, but you can’t control their reaction.

3. Reclaim your self-worth by managing the impact of toxic words or actions

The emotional residue of toxic parenting often lingers long after the moment passes. Hurtful comments, chronic criticism, or gaslighting can shape your self-worth unless you actively work to reclaim it.

Ways to cope:

• Use a mental filter. Ask yourself, “Would I accept this from a friend or partner?” If not, it’s not a reflection of your worth.
• Talk back to underlying messages. Replace “You’ll never be enough,” with, “I’m allowed to define myself on my own terms.”
• Practice self-compassion. Speak to yourself the way you wish your parent had — especially during moments of struggle or doubt.
• Limit mental replays. Notice when you’re ruminating on past interactions, and gently shift your focus back to the present.

4. Manage guilt and people-pleasing tendencies when setting boundaries

It’s common to feel guilt or anxiety when setting boundaries with a parent — especially if you’ve been raised to prioritize their feelings above your own. People pleasing may have been a survival strategy when you were growing up, but it doesn’t have to define your choices now.

What can help:

• Remind yourself that protecting your peace is self-respect, not cruelty.
• Focus on what’s healthy for you, not just what others expect you to do.
• Surround yourself with people who affirm your right to say no.
• Reflect with questions like:
  • Am I saying “yes” out of fear or obligation?
  • How can I honor both my needs and values?

5. Accept when your parent refuses to change

Sometimes, no matter how kindly or clearly you communicate, your parent may stay defensive, blame you, or deny harm. Acceptance here means letting go of the hope that they’ll be different — not approving their behavior.

Things to remember:

• You can stop trying to convince them of your worth.
• It’s OK to limit contact or go no contact if needed.
• Protecting your peace is valid, even if it disappoints them.

6. Seek professional help when you need support navigating this dynamic

Toxic family relationships can deeply impact your emotional well-being and mental health. A mental health professional can provide a safe, confidential space to process your experiences, learn coping skills, and set healthier boundaries. 

Consider seeking help if you:

• Feel stuck in cycles of guilt or shame
• Experience symptoms of anxiety or depression
• Struggle with self-worth
• Experience people-pleasing or perfectionistic tendencies
• Need guidance on setting boundaries
• Want support in managing or limiting contact with your parent
• Fear conflict or abandonment

Types of support you might find helpful include:

• Individual therapists use approaches like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), or trauma-informed care tailored to your needs.
• Family therapists work with you and willing family members to improve communication, set boundaries, and address unhealthy relationship patterns.
• Support groups, especially groups for adult children of toxic parents, can provide community and shared understanding.

When looking for a provider, seek someone experienced in trauma and family dynamics. It’s OK to try a few therapists to find the right fit. Asking about their experience with toxic family relationships during a consultation can help you decide.

Find care with Rula

Dealing with a toxic parent can be really hard and leave you feeling stressed or hurt. It’s OK to set boundaries and take care of your mental health, even if your parent doesn’t like it. There are things you can do to improve the overall quality of your life. You don’t have to do it alone. Help and support are available.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

Find a provider with Rula