A “vulnerability hangover” happens when sharing personal feelings leads to feelings of regret, shame, or withdrawal.
The intensity of a vulnerability hangover can depend on factors like the relationship, your past experiences, and how the other person responds.
Practicing small steps of vulnerability, challenging negative thoughts, and reminding yourself why vulnerability matters can help ease the discomfort and build emotional resilience.
Have you ever shared something intimate or personal with someone, only to feel regret or shame afterward? For example, you might have shared something personal online only to delete your post later. Or you might have had a deeply intimate conversation with someone, only to avoid them afterward. You may have experienced a “vulnerability hangover,” — a term popularized by Dr. Brené Brown, a researcher, social worker, and expert on shame, courage, and connection.
It can be scary to be vulnerable, and it doesn’t always go the way we hope. But as Dr. Brown’s work highlights, vulnerability is also key to building strong and healthy relationships. With practice and the right boundaries, you can share openly in ways that feel safer and less likely to lead to that “hangover” experience.
What having a vulnerability hangover means
“Vulnerability hangover” isn’t a clinical term or an official diagnosis. But it’s a helpful way to describe what can happen after you share something personal or emotional.
Emotional vulnerability is an important part of building strong and healthy relationships — but it can also feel scary. Just like you might feel hungover after drinking too much alcohol, a vulnerability hangover can leave you feeling raw, anxious, or exposed.
You might be experiencing a vulnerability hangover if:
You suddenly regret opening up.
You worry the other person will pull away.
You avoid people you were once close with.
You feel embarrassed or ashamed about what you shared.
You second-guess whether you said too much.
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Why you feel withdrawn after sharing
Not everyone experiences difficult emotions after having been vulnerable. You might experience a vulnerability hangover after sharing with some people but not others. We still need more research to say why we feel these things after certain moments of vulnerability and not others.
Some factors that could play a role include:
The relationship you have with the person: If you’ve shared something intimate for the first time with the other person, or if you’re afraid that your relationship isn’t close enough to warrant vulnerability, you might be more likely to feel uncomfortable emotions after sharing something personal.
The other person’s reaction: If the other person reacted to your moment of vulnerability in a way that made you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, this could understandably lead to a vulnerability hangover.
You have a hard time with boundaries: Certain life experiences, including childhood trauma, can lead us to have a hard time with boundaries. In this case, you may have opened up too quickly or too much with someone and shared things that may not have felt appropriate for the occasion. This can lead to feelings of regret later on.
Insecure attachment patterns: If you have experienced attachment insecurity in relationships, it can be harder to trust others with your vulnerability. Growing up in environments where emotional needs weren’t consistently met can leave you feeling more vulnerable to rejection, even if it’s just perceived. This often leads to you second-guessing your openness and experiencing a “hangover” once that vulnerability has been shared.
Social anxiety disorder: People with social anxiety often worry excessively about being judged by others. So if you’ve been vulnerable and shared something personal about yourself, social anxiety might lead you to worry about how this was interpreted or what the other person is thinking about.
Societal stigma: Certain groups continue to face backlash for being vulnerable. For example, men who are vulnerable might be seen as “weak.” This stigma can play a big role in how you feel after you’ve been vulnerable, even if there’s nothing weak about it.
Research shows that feelings of embarrassment — especially if you live with social anxiety — may result from specific neural pathways in the brain. So, this experience of feeling shame or embarrassment after being vulnerable is very real. It’s not just “in your head.”
Safe and healthy ways to let your guard down
Even though it can feel scary, it’s important to continue being vulnerable with the right people. Here are some safe ways to let your guard down and build intimate moments with people you love.
Share with people you trust
It’s important to choose carefully when it comes to who you’re sharing with. It may not be safe or appropriate to be vulnerable with every single person you meet. If you allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone who doesn’t support you, you may be more likely to face a vulnerability hangover.
Before you share, consider whether this person is trustworthy and safe. Ask yourself:
Do you feel like you can trust them?
Have you shared personal things with them before? How did they react?
Do they typically behave in ways that support your sense of self-worth?
If not, it may be best to hold off on being vulnerable with them for now.
Practice small steps
You don’t have to share your entire life story in one go. Practice taking small steps of vulnerability. It’s easier when you don’t feel like you’re laying it all out on the line at once.
You might share one personal detail about your day at a time or talk to your partner about one childhood memory. Taking small steps allows you to test the waters and gauge how comfortable you feel with vulnerability, and it reduces the risk of overwhelming yourself or feeling overexposed.
Starting with something manageable can make vulnerability feel less daunting and help you build trust gradually.
Challenge self-defeating thoughts
Insecure attachment patterns — as well as mental health conditions like social anxiety disorder — are characterized by thoughts that can make a vulnerability hangover worse. For example, you might have a thought like, “I just know they’re judging me for what I shared. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
Try your best to challenge these thoughts when they come up. Is there any logical evidence that supports these thoughts? Consider the evidence that shows these thoughts aren’t true. With this evidence, you can replace these thoughts with something that’s more accurate and helpful. For instance, you might shift your negative thought to, “I really don’t know what they’re thinking of me, but I don’t regret sharing.”
Consider your “why”
When you start regretting the fact that you were brave enough to be vulnerable with someone, try to focus on the reason behind your actions. Why is it important to you to be vulnerable with people, even if it can be scary sometimes?
It may have to do with building genuine connections. It might also be important to you to show others in your life that it’s OK to be vulnerable. If you focus on the reasons why it was important for you to be vulnerable in the first place, it may be easier to let your regrets go.
Work with a therapist
Talking to a therapist can help you process and understand your feelings of vulnerability, including how to manage them in a healthy way. Therapy is one of the most vulnerable environments, allowing you the experience of opening up in a safe, structured setting.
With the guidance of a therapist, you can learn how to embrace vulnerability as a way to build trust in yourself and others, without the negative consequences of regret or shame.
One key insight is that feeling overwhelmed or ashamed after opening up is a common and natural part of the process. It’s not a sign that you did something wrong or that you shouldn’t be vulnerable again.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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While vulnerability hangovers are real, they don’t have to prevent you from opening up to others. With practice and, in some cases, the support of a therapist, you can embrace vulnerability as a path to deeper, more meaningful connections.
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Saya Des Marais
Saya graduated with her Master in Social Work (MSW) with a concentration in mental health from the University of Southern California in 2010. She formerly worked as a therapist and motivational interviewing trainer in community clinics, public schools, mental health startups, and more.
Her writing has been featured in FORTUNE, GoodRX, PsychCentral, and dozens of mental health apps and therapy websites. Through both her clinical work and her personal OCD diagnosis, she’s learned the importance of making empathetic and accurate mental health content available online.
She lives in Portland, Oregon but you can find her almost just as often in Mexico or in her birthplace, Tokyo.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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