The invisible weight women carry

Adult life can feel like a never-ending series of responsibilities. It takes considerable effort to keep a household afloat, and some tasks are more obvious than others. For example, you might have some tangible things on your to-do list, like paying your power bill, vacuuming the carpet, or taking the car in for an oil change. But there’s another category of ongoing efforts that make up what researchers call women’s “mental load.” 

The mental load consists of all the invisible cognitive tasks to keep life running — planning, organizing, remembering, and anticipating the needs of a household, relationships, and children. This anticipatory “thinking work” ^[1] falls disproportionately on women — especially mothers ^[1], who carry about 68% more of the mental load than fathers — even when they work outside the home. 

An ongoing imbalance of mental load can significantly harm women’s well-being ^[2]. Spreading awareness about this is an important step in knocking down the reasons that have allowed it to persist.

A note on language: At Rula, we believe that all people, regardless of gender, deserve research-backed information to support their mental health. One of the challenges in discussing women’s mental load is that most of the research focuses on people assigned female at birth (AFAB) and heterosexual couples. It’s clear that gender identity plays a role in relationships and household labor. But we don’t yet have reliable data to show how this experience might be different for gender-diverse people. As new, more inclusive research is published, we’re committed to updating our content to reflect these changes.

The invisible mental labor women carry

The labor required to complete important tasks is like an iceberg. While some of it might be visible, there’s often a lot going on beneath the surface that’s harder to see. 

For example, let’s say you attend your nephew’s birthday party. It’s a pretty simple affair, with pizza, ice cream, and a few games for the kids. To make that happen, someone had to purchase the food, decorations, and games and send out the invitations. But they also had to:

• Create a guest list based on the child’s social group and keep tabs on RSVPs

• Be aware of who has a food allergy so alternate menu items can be ordered or prepared

• Review the family calendar to find a day for the party when no one else has commitments

• Remember the child’s birthday so they have enough time to start planning the party in advance

• Pick a party theme based on the child’s interests and preferences

• Make time to clean the house and tidy up the yard before the party

This is far from a complete list. But it shows just how much work it takes to plan a thoughtful, memorable event. The challenge is that, in this example, the person planning the party is probably also carrying a high mental load in other areas of their life. 

In addition to this one example, they may also be thinking about things like:

• Scheduling doctor or dentist appointments

• Signing kids up for extracurricular activities

• Planning regular date nights

• Initiating difficult conversations

• Planning meals based on family members’ preferences, what’s on sale, and what’s in the pantry

• Remembering important dates for loved ones and buying gifts or cards

• Monitoring workplace dynamics and adjusting assignments or expectations accordingly

Why is the mental load placed on women so often?

There’s a misconception that women carry more invisible household and emotional labor because they’re better at those tasks. But it’s more likely that it comes down to:

• Stereotypes: Women are socialized from a young age to step into caretaking roles and take on unpaid labor ^[3]. This is often an unconscious process that shapes how much of the mental load they bear as adults.

• The “second shift”: Unfortunately, women in the workforce tend to carry the same mental load ^[4] as women who aren’t employed outside the home. Many women put in a full day of work only to come home and begin their “second” shift of household duties. 

• Stigma: Some women may fear how they’ll be perceived if they don’t follow typical gender norms ^[5]. They might worry about being labeled a “bad” wife or mother if they ask their partner to do their fair share.

The emotional fallout of carrying invisible burdens

One of the hardest things about women’s mental load is that it’s often overlooked. Even if you’re moving metaphorical mountains behind the scenes, others might not notice. This may leave you feeling unappreciated. 

In addition to the emotional consequences of invisible burdens, carrying the mental load can also harm your physical and mental health. A recent study ^[6] found that mothers who reported carrying a greater share of the mental load had increased stress, anxiety, depression, sleep problems, and reduced relationship quality.

How to redistribute the mental load

If you want to lessen your mental load and prioritize your well-being, you can try ^[2]:

1. Talking to your partner: Because the mental load is often invisible, your partner may have no idea how much you’re carrying. You might be so “good” at anticipating others' needs and filling in the gaps that you do it without skipping a beat. It may help to let your partner know that you’re struggling and ask them to help you.

2. Accepting imperfection: It might feel hard to delegate tasks if you know the person you’re assigning them to won’t do them “your way.” But, unless there’s a safety issue, try to let go and accept that “their way” is OK as long as the task is off your plate.

3. Setting boundaries: If you’re not used to setting boundaries, it might feel uncomfortable at first. For example, asking your older children to pack their lunches or sort their laundry might feel like extra work in the beginning. But, over time, it can lessen your mental load and teach them valuable life skills.

4. Prioritizing self-care: If you’re feeling stressed or low on energy, see if you can carve out some time for yourself this week, even if it’s just a few minutes. Putting yourself first is like a muscle you might have to work on strengthening. The more you do it, the easier it becomes.

5. Asking for help: Just like any other stressor, you don’t have to navigate the mental load alone. Therapy can provide a safe, private space to process your experiences, release shame, interrupt unhelpful patterns, and practice saying “no.”

Clinician’s take

In my experience, the biggest emotional shift often comes from one small change — when a partner fully owns a task from start to finish. Not just helping, but taking full responsibility. That kind of follow-through can make a woman feel less alone almost right away.

Brandy Chalmers, LPC

Clinical reviewer