Five ways to support an aging parent with depression

Watching a parent age can be an emotional experience. It can be hard to see them slow down physically and become less independent. At the same time, many older adults also experience mental health concerns that can affect the aging process. 

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention ^[1] (CDC), about 4% of adults older than the age of 70 live with depression. It’s a major risk factor for disability and mortality ^[2] within this population. 

If you think that your mom or dad might have depression, you can help them in a variety of ways. Here are five concrete steps you can take to support your parents’ mental well-being during their golden years.

1. Learn the signs of depression in older adults

Aging can bring up uncomfortable emotions. Older adults might worry about what will happen to their health. They might be afraid to become more reliant on others or feel embarrassed to ask for help. As time goes on, they might experience the loss of friends or loved ones and grieve the love and companionship those relationships provided. 

These situations can be scary and painful. In some instances, they might create a decline in mood or motivation that can mirror depression. However, while difficult emotions are often a typical part of the aging process, depression isn’t. 

If your mom or dad shows any of the following symptoms, it could be a sign of major depressive disorder ^[3] (MDD): 

• Unexplained headaches, body aches and pains, or stomach problems

• Feeling sad, empty, or emotionally numb

• Fatigue and low energy levels

• No longer interested in hobbies or other preferred activities

• Trouble concentrating or making decisions

• Moving or talking much more slowly than usual

• Trouble falling or staying asleep, or sleeping too much

• No longer taking care of responsibilities at home, work, etc.

• Appetite or eating changes

• Increased isolation or social withdrawal

• Using substances or engaging in unsafe activities

• Talking about self-harm or suicide*

If you’re noticing any of these patterns or behaviors, reaching out for professional support is key. Early detection of a mental health concern like depression can help your parent get the help they need, faster. 

A note on safety: If your elderly parent is expressing thoughts of harming themselves, don’t hesitate to ask for help. You can contact the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 from any phone. Their counselors will provide confidential support and resources to help keep your loved one safe.

2. Have a supportive conversation

As you consider broaching the topic of depression with your parent, remember that some older adults may have trouble opening up about their emotions. Older generations might carry more stigma related to mental health. In the past, people viewed depression differently than they do today. 

It’s important to approach these discussions with sensitivity and patience. It may take a few attempts to get your mom or dad to talk about what they’re experiencing. 

These tips can help the conversation go smoothly: 

Respect their privacy and seek buy in

Choose a private, quiet place to have this conversation, and pick a time when you won’t be rushed. Then, before diving in, ask for their permission. 

You can say something like, “Hey, dad. I’ve noticed you haven’t quite been yourself lately. You seem tired and sort of sad, and I just want to make sure you’re doing OK. Could we talk about it?” 

Avoid stigmatizing terminology

As their child, you may have a sense of the language your parent might be most receptive to. So try to avoid terms or labels that they might find stigmatizing. 

For example, instead of saying, “Mom, it’s obvious that you’re depressed, and you seriously need to get some help,” you might say something like, “Hey, mom. I noticed you’ve stopped meeting up with your friends to play cards, and you haven’t been making dinner for yourself like you normally do. Can we talk about how you’re doing?”

Prepare for some initial resistance

If your parent doesn’t seem open to the idea of talking about depression, don’t force it. Unless there are immediate safety concerns, take your time and remember that you can’t force them to seek help if they aren’t ready. 

However, try to leave the door open for future conversations. Ask them if it’s OK for you to check in with them at a later date. 

3. Encourage an evaluation and treatment

Dementia ^[3] and other age-related disorders can look a lot like depression in older adults (and vice versa). They can also co-occur. 

So if your elderly parent has depressive symptoms, a medical evaluation can be the best next step. That way, their providers can accurately determine where their low mood and other symptoms are coming from. Having an accurate diagnosis is essential for ensuring your mom or dad gets the right care for their needs.

If your parent is diagnosed with depression, therapy, medication (if needed), and lifestyle changes can help. If they’re hesitant to seek support, offer to assist with practical concerns. For example, maybe you can help them find a therapist or psychiatrist who specializes in older populations, provide transportation to their sessions, or assist with paperwork. 

4. Help them stay connected 

Research shows that older adults who stay socially connected ^[4] experience fewer symptoms of depression. 

You can help your mom or dad avoid isolation in these ways: 

• Take them along for simple tasks in the community. It could be going to the grocery store, picking your kids up from school, or running errands. Being out and about in the world can help your parent feel less alone and even bring you closer together. 

• Encourage them to volunteer or give back. Depending on their interests and abilities, maybe they could teach children a craft or skill or volunteer with a local organization whose mission they support. These activities can give older adults a much-needed sense of purpose.

• Get them involved with a local senior center. Many communities have opportunities for older adults to come together for socializing, physical activities, and other wellness initiatives. Spending time with people their age can help your parent retain a sense of independence and connection.

5. Take care of yourself too

As you take on a caregiving role for your parent, don’t forget to take care of yourself as well. 

Supporting an older adult with depression can be challenging — especially if they resist treatment. But by making time for yourself, you’ll have more capacity to support your mom or dad. Try to carve out a few minutes a day for a healthy activity that you enjoy. It could be as simple as going for a short walk, savoring a quiet cup of coffee, reading a book, doing a breathing exercise, journaling, listening to music, or practicing a hobby you enjoy.

Clinician’s take

A common mistake adult children make is leading with urgency or problem-solving instead of empathy. When conversations focus on “fixing” the parent rather than understanding their experience, it can increase shame and resistance rather than willingness to seek help.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer