Key Takeaways
Anxious-ambivalent attachment is characterized by emotional reactivity, fear of abandonment, and intensively seeking reassurance from loved ones.
During early childhood, people with anxious-ambivalent attachment may not have received consistent care, attention, and responsiveness from their caregivers.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and attachment-based therapy are two types of therapy that can help people with insecure attachment styles to build and maintain healthy and meaningful relationships
Anxious-ambivalent attachment is a type of insecure attachment style. People with this style often crave closeness and connection but also fear rejection or abandonment. This pattern can make it hard to feel secure in relationships.
According to attachment theory, our early interactions with caregivers shape how we connect with others later in life. For someone with ambivalent attachment, this might look like deeply wanting a serious relationship but having challenges trusting others or fearing they’ll leave.
If this sounds familiar, know that there are tools and coping strategies that can help you build healthier, more balanced relationships.
What is anxious-ambivalent attachment?
Attachment theory focuses on the emotional connection that develops between babies and their caregivers. Attachment theory states that people’s early interactions with their primary caregivers impact their ability to have healthy relationships later in life. The theory suggests that children’s attachment behaviors are part of an evolved behavioral system and that having a secure attachment can help them feel safe, secure, and protected.
According to attachment theory, there are four different attachment styles:
People with a secure attachment style are likely to be emotionally available and trusting of others, while the remaining three attachment styles may impact people’s ability to form and maintain long-lasting and healthy relationships.
The anxious-ambivalent attachment style is characterized by “a child’s experiences of anxiety and preoccupation about their caregiver’s availability, accessibility, and responsiveness during times of distress.”
People with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style, also called ambivalent attachment or anxious attachment, may have received inconsistent care as a child, causing them to feel anxious or uncertain in their relationships as adults. Three defining characteristics of anxious-ambivalent attachment style include a fear of abandonment, intensively seeking reassurance, and strong emotional reactions.
Signs of anxious-ambivalent attachment
Anxious-ambivalent attachment often originates in childhood but symptoms can continue throughout adulthood. People with anxious-ambivalent attachment crave love and attention but struggle with fears of rejection and abandonment. Understanding how to recognize the signs of anxious-ambivalent attachment can help both children and adults receive the care they need to effectively manage symptoms and heal from past trauma.
Signs of anxious-ambivalent attachment in childhood
1. Separation anxiety
Children with anxious-ambivalent attachment may become upset or inconsolable when their caregiver leaves. They have trouble regulating negative emotions like anger and worry, and they may struggle to calm down even when their attachment figure returns.
2. Clinginess
Children with anxious-ambivalent attachment have a strong desire for closeness and a fear of rejection. They may come across as clingy or needy because they have a strong desire to receive care and attention, and fear losing it.
3. Less curious or interested in others
When children are so fixated on their attachment figure, they may be less likely to interact with strangers or explore their environment. In fact, children with anxious-ambivalent attachment are prone to social isolation.
Signs of anxious-ambivalent attachment in adulthood
1. Fear of intimacy
Adults with anxious–ambivalent attachment may desire commitment but struggle with creating intimacy in relationships. Even though they want to be close with others, they have trouble opening up.
2. Jealousy and possessiveness
They’re also prone to jealousy, possessiveness, and other unhealthy relationship habits. They may have trouble respecting boundaries and use controlling behaviors, like guilt-tripping, to keep their partner close.
3. Need for ongoing validation
People with an anxious-ambivalent attachment tend to do best with ongoing reassurance or proof of their partner’s commitment. They associate their self-worth with the relationship, so they may come off as needy or anxious if they don’t feel like they’re being treated well.
Dig deeper:
What causes anxious-ambivalent attachment?
Children who consistently receive care and emotional support from their caregivers are more likely to grow up feeling secure and self-reliant. But when care is inconsistent, it can lead to anxiety, distress, and relationship challenges later in life.
Common causes of anxious-ambivalent attachment include:
Inconsistent caregiving: Caregivers may be warm and attentive sometimes but distant or unresponsive at other times. This unpredictability can make children anxious about whether their needs will be met.
Generational patterns: People who grew up with inconsistent caregiving may develop anxious-ambivalent attachment themselves and unintentionally pass on these patterns to their own children.
Life stressors: Major stressors — like financial challenges, relationship conflict, or work-related stress — can limit a caregiver’s emotional availability.
Mental health conditions: Caregivers experiencing depression, anxiety disorders, or other mental health concerns may have difficulty being consistently responsive.
Unhealthy substance use: Substance use that is unhealthy can disrupt caregiving routines and make emotional support unpredictable.
The effects of anxious-ambivalent attachment
Without the proper coping methods, anxious-ambivalent attachment can affect people’s mental health and well-being and their ability to meaningfully connect with others. For example, people with anxious-ambivalent attachment may struggle with low self-esteem, have difficulty regulating their emotions, and even have an increased risk of mental health issues like depression.
Anxious-ambivalent attachment can cause relationship challenges as well, starting with communication struggles. People with this attachment style may have trouble discussing boundaries, navigating conflict, or trusting their partners’ commitment. They’re prone to co-dependency and rely on relationships for their self-worth, yet they may seek additional validation outside the relationship.
Three tips to cultivate a secure attachment
1. Practice self-awareness
One of the first steps in overcoming symptoms of anxious-ambivalent attachment and becoming more secure is understanding how it impacts your life. To start, try journaling to help you identify behavior patterns and emotional triggers.
Here are a few questions to consider:
How do you seek validation from your partner?
Have you ever been referred to as clingy?
Do you feel anxious in your relationship, even without reason?
Do you find it challenging to navigate conflict with your partner?
Do you often worry about losing important people in your life?
2. Build secure attachments
Having an anxious-ambivalent attachment style can make it difficult to be emotionally vulnerable or trust others. However, there are ways to improve your communication skills and strengthen your relationships.
Healthy relationships start with honest communication, so do your best to openly and honestly share your thoughts, feelings, and needs with your partner. And encourage them to do the same!
Whether it’s a friendship, romance, or work relationship, remember to respect other people’s boundaries and needs.
Try to understand other people’s perspectives, and show them empathy and kindness in return.
Dig deeper:
3. Seek professional support
Greater self-awareness and meaningful relationships can have a positive impact on your mental health, but some situations require professional support. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is one type of psychotherapy that’s used to manage symptoms of insecure attachment styles. CBT helps people to identify and change negative thought patterns, emotions, and behaviors.
Attachment-based therapy is another type of talk therapy that helps people heal from past trauma and focus on developing meaningful relationships moving forward.
Attachment-based therapy might be an effective form of treatment if you:
Clinician's take
With ambivalent attachment, relationships can feel like an emotional tug-of-war — yearning for closeness yet fearing it won’t last. In therapy, we work toward building steadier connections, where love feels secure instead of uncertain.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
Find mental health support with Rula
If a fear of intimacy or constant need for reassurance are interfering with your ability to build meaningful relationships, it might be time to consider mental health support.
Rula’s diverse network of more than 15,000 licensed professionals makes it easy to find a behavioral therapist who understands anxious-ambivalent attachment and has experience practicing attachment-based therapy. Plus, Rula takes care of the practical matters, like connecting you with a therapist who accepts your insurance and is currently taking new clients.
Find attachment-based therapy near you
New York – Texas – California – Georgia – Illinois – Hawaii – Indiana – Virginia – North Carolina – Pennsylvania – Find your location
