It’s OK to want to maintain control of yourself, others, or your environment sometimes. But if your need for control is negatively affecting your well-being, it could be cause for concern.
Anxiety is a common fuel for controlling behavior. It’s usually an attempt to prevent bad things from happening or resolve uncomfortable emotions.
If being controlling is impacting your well-being, relationships, or functioning, don’t hesitate to ask for help. A therapist or psychiatrist can help you regulate your emotions and reduce your desire for control.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to be in control. It often stems from a sincere desire to meet expectations, feel safe and secure, or stay one step ahead. But, like many other things, if your need for control is too strong, it can become problematic.
One potential source of controlling behavior is anxiety. Anxiety can cause a person to worry excessively and fixate on worst-case scenarios. For a person with anxiety, having a sense of control over themselves, others, or their environment may help them feel more at ease.
Being overly controlling doesn’t necessarily mean you have a mental health condition. But if controlling behavior is negatively affecting your life or relationships, it might be worth exploring. Sometimes, an extreme desire for control can signal the presence of an anxiety disorder or other concern. Learning more about the relationship between control and anxiety can help you know when to ask for help.
Subtle controlling behaviors fueled by anxiety
A person might want to remain in control for many reasons. For example, they might like being in charge, or they may not trust other people to do things the “right way.” Aggressive or overtly controlling behavior is usually easy to spot.
But sometimes, controlling behaviors are less obvious — especially when they’re fueled by anxiety. At their core, these behaviors aren’t intended to subdue or control anyone. They’re aimed at regulating the anxious person’s emotional state. Here are a few examples of what controlling behaviors can look like when they stem from anxiety:
Controlling the situation: You’ve created a very detailed routine for your family to follow each day. It maps out everything from meal times to chore schedules and everything in between. If anything goes even slightly awry, you feel like everything will fall apart. Knowing exactly what will happen at each moment of the day makes you feel more at ease.
Controlling others: You manage a team of four other people at work. Even though they’ve never given you a reason to think they can’t do their job, you’re always micromanaging them. You worry that if they make a mistake, you’ll hear about it from your boss and be blamed for it.
Controlling emotions: Whenever you’re asked to try something new, you feel anxious. For example, if your friend suggests going to a new restaurant, you immediately start researching the menu and reviews. You can’t relax and enjoy an experience if you don’t know exactly what to expect.
If you exhibit anxious or controlling behavior once in a while, you’re not alone. But if it’s a constant challenge, it could be tied to a deeper issue. Oftentimes, negative past experiences can drive a desire for control in the present. For example, people who experience trauma are at risk of developing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). People with PTSD often live in fear of being hurt or retraumatized. So for them, maintaining control can be an attempt to stay safe. Controlling behavior can also be seen in people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). In this case, controlling behaviors are often an attempt to relieve anxious, intrusive thoughts.
The care you need, when you need it
Learn how Rula can support your mental health journey
When a need for control becomes a concern
It’s natural to want a sense of control in your life — it can make you feel safe and organized. But when that need starts taking over, it can quietly begin to harm your well-being and relationships. You might notice yourself feeling tense, frustrated, or anxious any time things don’t go exactly as planned. Over time, that constant need to stay in charge can leave you feeling drained and disconnected.
A desire to exert control can become concerning when it starts to negatively affect important parts of your life. Left unchecked, it can lead to:
Physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion due to constant efforts to maintain control
Missing out on things you might enjoy because you can’t tolerate spontaneous experiences
Relationship strain (especially if you’re trying to control others)
Living in constant fear that if you don’t maintain control, bad things will happen
Recognizing these patterns doesn’t mean you’re “too controlling” — it means your mind is trying to feel safe. With the right support and coping tools, you can start learning how to relax that grip without losing your sense of stability.
How to loosen the grip on control with anxiety
If your default mode is to seek control, it can be tough to let go. But know that it’s possible, and here are some strategies that can help:
Start slowly. You don’t have to give up control all at once. Instead, try to increase your tolerance for uncertainty in small ways. For example, let your friend plan an activity or let someone do something “their way” and see how it goes.
Realize what is (and isn’t) in your control. Let’s say you notice your desire for control getting stronger. Pause to ask yourself whether you really have power over the outcomes in this situation. Realizing when you don’t have control can make it easier to let go.
Ask for help. If your need for control is driven by anxiety, addressing the underlying causes can help provide relief. Therapy can give you a safe space to explore where your need for control is coming from and learn healthier ways to cope with it. If needed, a psychiatrist can also help you regulate your emotions and reduce anxiety with medication.
Many people are surprised to learn that their need for control isn’t about being demanding — it’s about feeling safe. Once they see the anxiety underneath, they can start showing themselves more compassion instead of shame.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
Find care with Rula
Feeling in control can help you feel safe and more prepared to tackle life’s challenges. But when the desire for control is fueled by anxiety, it can be difficult to manage. For some people, controlling behavior can be a way of managing uncertainty and emotional discomfort. However, this relief doesn’t usually last. Constantly trying to be in control can take a toll on your mental and physical health, relationships, and quality of life.
If you have challenges with control, practicing tolerating uncertainty and realizing what you can and can’t control can help. If you need additional support, don’t hesitate to ask for help. A therapist or psychiatrist can help you manage your anxiety and release your desire for control.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
Liz Talago
Liz Talago, M.ed. is a mental health professional turned content writer and strategist based in the Detroit metro area. As an independent consultant for mental health organizations, Liz creates meaningful connections between brands and their audiences through strategic storytelling. Liz is known for championing diverse perspectives within the mental health industry and translating bold ideas into inspiring, affirming digital experiences.
In her free time, you can find her hiking with her two German Shepherds, puttering around her dahlia garden, or spending time with her family.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
Rula's editorial process
Rula's editorial team is on a mission to make science-backed mental health insights accessible and practical for every person seeking to better understand or improve mental wellness.
Members of Rula’s clinical leadership team and other expert providers contribute to all published content, offering guidance on themes and insights based on their firsthand experience in the field. Every piece of content is thoroughly reviewed by a clinician before publishing.
