Key Takeaways
Blame-shifting is when someone refuses to take responsibility and instead blames another person.
People usually blame-shift to avoid personal responsibility and uncomfortable emotions.
A therapist can help you learn why you or others blame-shift and how to hold yourself and the people in your life accountable.
When something goes wrong, how do you usually feel? Do you try to figure out what you could have done differently, or do you blame someone else for it? If the latter, you’re not alone. Blame-shifting is incredibly common.
If you’re the target of blame-shifting, it probably doesn’t feel good. It might feel like someone is taking out their anger or mistakes on you. This can be especially hurtful if blame-shifting happens in a close relationship.
A therapist can help you set boundaries in a relationship where blame-shifting is taking place. They can also help you learn how to take responsibility for your actions, show up more authentically, and improve the relationships in your life.
Subtle signs of blame-shifting
Blame-shifting can be hard to spot. But, essentially, blame-shifting [1] is anything that sends a message that another person is to blame for someone’s failures.
Gaslighting can also be a type of blame-shifting. Gaslighting happens when someone tries to distort your reality so you believe something that serves them.
Another subtle sign of blame-shifting can be reactive abuse. If you’ve ever been provoked to a point where you act out emotionally and are then blamed for it, you’ve experienced reactive abuse.
Explore these examples of how blame-shifting can show up in different settings:
Your partner blames you for them being late to work because you both stayed out late the night before. But your partner could have decided to stay in, knowing that they need to get to work in time the next morning. Blame-shifting allows them to avoid taking responsibility and feeling uncomfortable emotions.
Your mom calls you and says, “You promised to help me with my taxes last night, but you never showed up!” You don’t remember agreeing to this — but you still may feel guilty, ashamed [2], or even question if you can trust your memory. This is an example of gaslighting.
Your boss might expect you to work long days and during the weekend, which, understandably, pushes you to your breaking point. As a result, you snap at or yell at them one day. They respond by saying they knew you were an unreliable or ungrateful employee, which you believe. This can be a form of reactive abuse.
Blame-shifting can be very effective and keep people in unhealthy dynamics. Many people also engage in people-pleasing behavior, which motivates them to ignore their own wants and needs in exchange for someone else’s. But people pleasers can easily fall for blame-shifting.
Underlying causes of blame-shifting
Some people blame-shift because they’ve been blamed for things out of their control in the past. Subconsciously, they might feel like they can take control of the situation by putting the blame on someone else. While this doesn’t make it OK, it can help you understand the reasons why someone may engage in this behavior. It might also help you feel compassion for them, even if you recognize that blame-shifting is unhealthy.
Blame-shifting can also be a learned communication style. If someone grew up in an environment where people avoided accountability or blamed others often, they may have unknowingly adopted that pattern as an adult. Feeling defensive may also make someone blame-shift. Defensiveness is a common human behavior that almost everyone does from time to time. It can be a reaction to feeling attacked or being questioned.
Blame-shifting isn’t an officially recognized symptom of any mental health condition. But some conditions can make it more likely, especially when someone feels overwhelmed or afraid of being rejected or at fault.
Here are a few examples:
ADHD: Some people with ADHD experience rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) — intense emotional pain after real or perceived rejection. In those moments, they might shift blame to protect themselves from feeling hurt.
Narcissistic personality traits or NPD: When admitting fault feels like a threat to self-esteem, a person might deflect blame to maintain control or avoid shame.
Borderline personality disorder (BPD): Strong emotions and fear of abandonment can lead someone to blame others impulsively during conflict as a way to manage distress.
Anxiety or trauma-related disorders: When conflict feels unsafe, a person may shift blame to avoid punishment, rejection, or emotional pain.
Blame-shifting can be frustrating, but understanding what’s behind it can build compassion — for yourself or others — while still holding boundaries.
Unstable relationship patterns can also feature blame-shifting. Those involved in the relationship might avoid responsibility for their actions. Instead of apologizing and committing to change, these relationships can get stuck in a cycle of blame, and conflicts go unresolved.
What you can do about blame-shifting
You don’t have to let someone else’s blame-shifting control you or shape the relationship.
Once you learn to recognize when it’s happening, you can take these steps:
What to do if you notice blame-shifting
When you realize that blame is unfairly being put on you, the best thing to do is stay calm. Becoming defensive or heated will likely only make the interaction feel worse.
Depending on the relationship and specific scenario, you might decide to leave the conversation, directly name that blame-shifting is happening, or change the subject.
If you realize you’re the one blame-shifting
It’s not uncommon to catch yourself blame-shifting — especially if you grew up around it or learned it as a way to avoid conflict. Instead of judging yourself, pause and take a breath. Ask, “What emotion am I trying to avoid right now?”
You can take small steps to change the pattern by owning your part in the situation, even if it’s just a small one. Saying something like, “I think I reacted too quickly there,” can help rebuild trust and open up healthier communication.
How to respond to blame-shifting
If you choose to respond to the manipulation, you might say something like, “I noticed that you seem upset because of something that happened to you. It also feels like you’re putting the blame on me, and that doesn’t feel good.”
Hopefully, the person will respond with understanding and correct their behavior. But, whatever the outcome, try to stay calm and know that their response says nothing about you.
When to consider ending the relationship
Unfortunately, if blame-shifting happens frequently — even when you try to bring it up — you may decide to end the relationship. Constant blame-shifting can be a sign of emotional abuse. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect.
How a therapist can help
A therapist can also help you decide how to respond to blame-shifting, whether it’s addressing it directly or creating space in the relationship. They can listen nonjudgmentally, consider your particular experiences with blame-shifting with nuance, and help you decide how to navigate the relationship.
Clinician's take
A common reaction to blame-shifting is overexplaining or apologizing just to smooth things over. It feels easier in the moment, but it teaches the other person that blaming works. Holding your ground calmly is often the most powerful response.
Find care with Rula
Blame-shifting can turn a healthy relationship into a toxic one. If you’re the target of this behavior, you might be wondering how to respond to protect yourself, your mental well-being, and your boundaries. If you notice that you’re the one shifting the blame, therapy can help you become more accountable and learn healthier communication skills.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 21,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
