A “favorite person” is someone who becomes a major emotional anchor for someone with BPD, often shaping their mood and sense of security.
These relationships can feel intensely comforting but also bring challenges, like fear of abandonment, mood swings, and dependence.
With awareness, boundaries, and support, it’s possible to build healthier, more balanced connections — even when a favorite person is part of your life.
When you live with borderline personality disorder (BPD), you may hear the term “favorite person” (FP). An FP is someone you feel deeply attached to [1]. This person becomes your main source of comfort, support, and emotional safety. The bond can feel intense, and your mood may rise or fall based on how connected you feel to them.
It’s important to recognize a favorite-person relationship because it can shape your emotions, your choices, and how you feel day to day. Understanding this pattern doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It means you’re learning more about how BPD affects your relationships and what you need to feel more secure and supported.
Signs you have a favorite person
A “favorite person” can be anyone you feel intensely connected to. It might be a friend, partner, sibling, parent, or even a therapist. It isn’t always romantic. And it’s not the same as having a crush. A crush is usually about attraction. In people with BPD, an FP often becomes your emotional anchor — someone who feels safer or more important than anyone else in your life.
You might have a BPD favorite person if you:
Feel closer to them than to anyone else
Experience mood changes based on how available they are
Feel anxious when they don’t respond right away
Obsess about them and worry excessively about losing them
Want constant reassurance that they care
Feel “all good” or “all bad” toward them depending on the moment
Feel hurt easily, even by small changes in their tone or plans
Fear disappointing them or being replaced
Most people with BPD have one favorite person [2]. It is possible to have more than one FP, although it’s not common. These relationships can last months or years. The intensity may change as you grow, heal, or find stability in other supportive relationships.
Certain qualities can make someone more likely to become a favorite person. You may feel drawn to people who are warm, empathetic, or protective. You might also gravitate toward people who give you steady attention or who feel “safe” in a way others don’t.
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Why people with BPD tend to have a favorite person
People with BPD often form intense attachments [2] because relationships feel deeply important and deeply fragile at the same time. A favorite person can feel like the one person who understands you, accepts you, and/or helps you feel grounded. This intensity usually comes from the way BPD affects emotions and attachment.
Splitting also plays a role. Splitting is the tendency to see people as “all good” or “all bad” depending on the moment. When someone becomes your FP, they may stay in the “all good” category for a long time. They feel special, safer, or more important than anyone else. But when something shifts — like a delayed text or a change in plans — the fear of losing them can trigger panic, anger, or sudden emotional distance.
Certain experiences can make someone more likely to develop a favorite person relationship. These might include:
Feeling abandoned or rejected in the past
Growing up without steady emotional support
Feeling lonely or disconnected from other people
A favorite person bond often forms when comfort, safety, and fear of loss all mix together. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means your nervous system is trying to hold onto stability in the best way it knows how.
Common challenges with BPD FPs
Having a favorite person can bring comfort, but it can also create real challenges. The emotional bond often feels intense and fragile at the same time. This can make daily life more stressful for someone with BPD.
Some common risks [2] that may accompany an FP bond include:
Becoming overly dependent on one person for validation or stability
Feeling panicked when your favorite person is busy or needs space
Experiencing strong jealousy if your favorite person gets close to others
Having a fear of abandonment that becomes overwhelming
Experiencing big mood swings that match the favorite person’s attention or reactions
When someone with BPD loses their favorite person — whether through conflict, distance, or a normal shift in the relationship — the pain can feel unbearable [2]. It may trigger deep grief, fear, or feelings of emptiness. This can lead to impulsive choices, intense sadness, or pulling away from others.
A favorite person can also impact someone’s well-being in smaller day-to-day ways. The mood of the person with BPD may rise or fall based on their FP’s tone, texts, or availability. They may ignore their own needs to keep the connection strong. Over time, this can increase anxiety and emotional exhaustion.
These challenges don’t mean someone with BPD can’t have close relationships. They simply highlight why awareness and support matter — so the relationship can feel safer for both people.
Maintaining healthy boundaries with your favorite person
It is possible to have a healthier relationship with a favorite person, but it takes awareness, clear boundaries, and steady support. You can care about someone deeply without letting the relationship take over your emotional world. Boundaries help you stay connected and grounded.
Here are some ways to protect yourself while staying close to your FP:
Name your limits. Decide what you can and can’t give. This might include how often you text, how quickly you respond, or when you need alone time.
Share your needs clearly. Tell your favorite person what helps you feel safe and what doesn’t. Simple and honest language works best.
Make space for other relationships. A favorite person shouldn’t be the only person you rely on. Try to build friendships, hobbies, or routines that support your independence.
Check in with your emotions. Notice when you feel anxious, jealous, panicked, or too dependent. These feelings are signals that you may need more space or support.
Create a plan for when boundaries are crossed. Decide ahead of time what you’ll do if you start to feel overwhelmed. This might include taking a break from texting or reaching out to someone else you trust.
Know when the relationship is no longer healthy. If the connection causes constant stress, fear, or emotional swings, it may be time to step back or end the relationship. You deserve relationships that feel stable and respectful.
Give yourself tools to manage the negative effects. Grounding skills, journaling, mindfulness, or talking to a friend can help you regulate feelings without depending fully on your favorite person.
If the relationship feels all-consuming, painful, or unstable, or if you feel unable to set boundaries on your own, it may be time to seek professional support. A therapist can help you understand your patterns, build healthier coping skills, and create more balanced connections.
One helpful step is learning to pause before seeking reassurance. Creating a short delay and using another coping skill first can reduce urgency. This helps build emotional stability without ending the relationship.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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Having a favorite person can feel comforting and overwhelming all at once. When you understand why these bonds form and how they shape your emotions, it may become easier to build healthier patterns and protect your well-being. If your favorite person relationship feels intense or hard to manage, support is available — and you don’t have to navigate it alone.
At Rula, we’re here to help you feel better. Rula makes it easy to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who takes your insurance. That way, you don’t have to choose between great care and a price you can afford.
Rula patients pay about $15 per session with insurance, and 93% say they feel better after getting care through Rula. We have 21,000+ providers, and appointments are available as soon as tomorrow. We’re here to help you take the next step — wherever you are in your mental health journey.
References
- Understanding a Mutually Destructive Relationship Between Individuals With Borderline Personality Disorder and Their Favorite Person https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9806505/
- The “Favorite Person” in Borderline Personality Disorder: A Content Analysis of Social Media Posts https://www.researchgate.net/publication/393192068_The_favorite_person_in_borderline_personality_disorder_A_content_analysis_of_social_media_posts
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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