Four exercises couples therapists swear by

Research ^[1] shows that couples counseling can improve communication, emotional connection, marital satisfaction, and more. But if you’ve never attended couples counseling before, you might be curious about what will happen in your sessions. 

Couples counselors use a wide variety of techniques. But in the following guide, we’re sharing some of the most popular so that you have an idea of what to expect. Most of these strategies are flexible enough to use in and outside of sessions. They were inspired by psychologists Dr. John and Julie Gottman ^[2], who have been researching marriage and divorce prediction for over 40 years. 

1. Turning toward

Much of our communication happens on autopilot. But to strengthen your relationship with your partner, you both need to make your communication more intentional. One way to do this is with a practice called “turning toward.” Here’s how it works: 

Let’s say your partner is sitting next to you on the couch, and they say something like, “I saw the coolest bird in the backyard today.” In this moment, your partner is trying to connect by sharing something about their day. You can respond to this in several ways:

• Turn away: Ignore your partner entirely.

• Turn against: Give a curt response, like, “Yeah, that’s where they live.”

• Turn toward: Make eye contact, and express genuine interest, saying something like, “Oh, yeah? What did it look like?”

Repeatedly turning toward your partner can help them feel loved and cared for. This is something you can practice with the help of your couples therapist. But you can also work on it outside of sessions. Over time, these small moments can help enhance your connection.

2. The bagel method

Conflict is an inevitable part of marriage and relationships. But it’s how you navigate disagreement that counts. The “bagel” method is an activity designed to help couples align their values and compromise when they don’t see eye to eye. 

Here’s an example of how to put it into practice:

Imagine that you and your partner are having a hard time deciding where to put down roots. You both agree on relocating but have different preferences on where to move. 

Your therapist might have you both draw a bagel (one small circle surrounded by a larger circle). 

In the small circle, you’d write your “non-negotiables” regarding your upcoming move. In the surrounding larger circle, you’d write down the things you can be more flexible about, as long as the requirements in the small circle are met. 

This exercise helps clarify each partner’s core needs (the inner circle) so you can focus on what really matters to you both. Uncovering these insights can make it easier to empathize with your partner and identify solutions that honor what you both value.

3. Practicing “I” statements

When you’re frustrated with your partner, it might be tempting to start conversations with blame. For example, let’s say you worked a long day, and all you want to do is come home and go to bed. But when you arrive, you find that your spouse has several friends over. They’re laughing, talking, and listening to music. You know you’re not going to be able to sleep because of the noise, and you’re instantly angry. 

As you head to the bedroom, you fire off a text to your spouse. A blaming “you” statement might sound something like, “You’re so inconsiderate. You know I worked a double shift and am exhausted. Hope you have fun with your friends.” This response might convey your understandable frustration. But it will likely make the conflict worse. So your couples therapist might instead advise using an “I” statement. 

Using an “I” statement is a way to convey your feelings and express your needs. It doesn’t mean you agree with what your partner did or said, but it can help make them feel less defensive. In this instance, you could use an “I” statement, like, “I felt hurt and disrespected when you had friends over after I worked a long day. I need to be able to sleep before my next shift. Can we talk about our schedules so this doesn’t happen again?” 

4. Love mapping 

When you love someone or have been together a long time, you might think you know everything there is to know about them. But there’s always something new to learn about your partner’s inner world. Feeling deeply known can help increase emotional intimacy, which, in turn, can promote marital satisfaction ^[3]. 

Love mapping is a couples counseling exercise designed to increase closeness and help partners feel seen, heard, and understood. You can do it during or outside of couples counseling sessions (or even at a distance). All you need to do is set aside some time to talk where you won’t be distracted or interrupted. Then, you can take turns answering questions, like:

• “Which three life events impacted you the most?”

• “What’s one of your biggest regrets?”

• “What’s the one thing most likely to keep you up at night?”

• “Who are your two closest friends?”

• “If you had a week with zero responsibilities, how would you spend it?”

• “When you have a bad day, how do you like to be comforted?”

Keep in mind that this isn’t intended to be a one-time exercise. The more time you spend getting to know your partner’s love map, the closer you’ll become.

Clinician’s take

One thing couples often overlook is that these exercises aren’t meant to fix the conflict in the moment. Rather, they’re meant to change the pattern underneath it. Once they realize that the goal is slowing down the old cycle rather than winning the argument, the work starts to feel more doable and less pressured.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer