The Gottman Method is a framework for couples therapy. It's considered one of the most effective approaches because it's been extensively researched.
Dr. John and Julie Gottman created this technique after decades of studying couples. They discovered the behaviors that can predict divorce as well as keep couples together.
You can explore the Gottman Method with your partner. But if you're looking for guidance and support, look for a couples therapist who uses the Gottman Method.
The Gottman Method is a framework for couples therapy developed by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. It starts with a relationship checkup to help identify strengths and challenges. Then, the therapist guides couples through structured interventions [1]. These are based on Gottman’s seven core principles.
The Gottman Method is designed to help couples navigate conflict and embrace each other’s differences. There’s more than 40 years of data [1] on the efficacy of this approach. It has helped thousands of couples [1] improve their communication and relationships.
Learning more about the Gottman Method can help you decide if it’s something you and your partner would like to explore.
How the Gottman Method was developed
When the Gottman’s began studying couples, they used scientific principles to explore what it takes to have a healthy marriage. They used statistics to identify behavioral patterns shared by happy and unhappy couples [2]. Along the way, they discovered four relationship difficulties that frequently predict divorce.
Dubbed the “four horsemen” [3] after a famous apocalyptic painting, these difficulties include:
Criticism: Verbally attacking a partner’s character. This might sound like, “You’re always so lazy and irresponsible. You never think of anyone but yourself.”
Defensiveness: Denying culpability or reversing blame. This might sound like, “It’s not my fault the dishes aren't done, you never told me to do them.”
Stonewalling: Shutting down or ceasing communication. This might look like one partner sitting with arms crossed, refusing to communicate.
Contempt: Purposefully being rude, mean, or hurtful. This might sound like, “Wow you really are hopeless aren't you?”.
Gottman’s research showed that when the four horsemen were present, early divorce was more likely [4] (around five years after marriage). So, they developed a series of anecdotes [5] to help couples stay together.
Here’s what they recommend:
Instead of criticizing your partner, use gentle “I” statements to express your feelings and needs. This can sound like, “I feel unimportant when you look at your phone when we talk. Can you please put your phone away when we’re in conversation?”
Instead of getting defensive, apologize for any wrongdoing and try to see things from your partner’s perspective. This can sound like, “I’m sorry the dishes aren't done. I can see how that can be frustrating waking up to a messy kitchen.”
Instead of stonewalling during a disagreement, take a break and do some self-care before reengaging. This can sound like, “I need to pause our conversation, I am feeling overwhelmed. I’ll touch back when I’m regulated.”
Instead of demonstrating contempt, focus on your partner’s positive qualities and express gratitude. This can sound like, “I see how hard you’re working to support our family. That means a lot to me.”
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What the Gottman Method can help with
The Gottman Method promotes deeper friendship, better conflict resolution, and a shared sense of meaning for couples.
It can help with [6] a wide range of relationship skills, including:
Learning to replace negative conflict patterns with positive interactions
Working to repair past hurts (i.e. infidelity)
Increasing closeness and intimacy to deepen emotional connection
Making changes that support the couple’s shared goals
Preventing relapse or a return to unhelpful patterns
How the Gottman Method is used in couples therapy
In John Gottman’s bestselling book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” [7] he describes the concepts, behaviors, and skills that, according to his research, can help prevent divorce. These principles help shape what happens in Gottman-based couples therapy.
Here are a few examples of activities you may encounter in sessions:
Building love maps: Ask deeper questions to get to know each other’s inner worlds, goals, beliefs, values, and more.
Expressing admiration: Take time to acknowledge each other’s strengths and embrace your differences.
Turning toward: Communicate in a way that signals interest and respect, even when discussing mundane topics.
Accepting influence: Learn to take your partner’s preferences into account and be willing to compromise.
Focusing on solvable problems: Instead of getting caught up in perpetual problems (typically related to unchangeable personality differences), work on issues that have solutions.
Overcoming gridlock: Conflict is an inevitable part of relationships. But happy couples can keep it in perspective instead of allowing it to destabilize their connection.
Creating shared meaning: Having a shared story fosters a sense of togetherness and can help couples make meaning and navigate struggles.
The benefits (and limitations) of the Gottman Method
The research on the benefits of the Gottman Method is extensive. Gottman himself has completed 12 long-term studies [4] with more than 3,000 couples. He’s explored conflict, how parenting affects marriage, emotional withdrawal, gender-based communication differences, and more.
Studies consistently show [8] that Gottman’s couples therapy can support happy marriages and improve intimacy. What's more, these benefits can persist even after therapy ends.
Making Gottman tools part of your relationship
You don’t need to be in therapy to explore the Gottman Method. The Gottman Institute [6] has books, classes, and other resources you can check out on your own or with a partner.
However, if you’re looking for someone to guide you through the process, consider working with a couples therapist. The Gottman Method is widely used among couples therapists. So if you have an existing provider, it might be something they’re already trained in. Just let your couples therapist know that you’d like to incorporate Gottman techniques into your sessions.
If you want to start Gottman couples therapy but don’t yet have a provider, you can search online and teletherapy directories. Just filter by “Gottman couples therapy” or “Gottman-trained therapist.” If you can’t find someone that way, see if you can get a referral from another provider. For example, ask your doctor or psychiatrist for a referral to a Gottman couples therapist.
Couples often notice relief and curiosity when they stop seeing conflict as a threat. Arguments become opportunities to understand each other better rather than battles to win, which can increase closeness and trust over time.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Clinical reviewer
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Created by John and Julie Gottman over 40 years ago, the Gottman Method has helped thousands of couples strengthen their relationships. In Gottman’s research, they discovered specific behaviors that often predicted divorce. Dubbed the "four horsemen," they include contempt, criticism, stonewalling, and defensiveness.
Gottman’s research also revealed what helps couples stay together. So if you and your partner want to resolve past hurts, improve intimacy, and deepen your emotional connection, the Gottman Method may be a fit for you.
At Rula, we’re here to help you feel better. Rula makes it easy to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who takes your insurance. That way, you don’t have to choose between great care and a price you can afford.
Rula patients pay about $15 per session with insurance, and 93% say they feel better after getting care through Rula. We have 21,000+ providers, and appointments are available as soon as tomorrow. We’re here to help you take the next step — wherever you are in your mental health journey.
References
- An Introduction to the Gottman Method of Relationship Therapy https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-the-gottman-method-of-relationship-therapy/
- Research https://www.gottman.com/about/research/
- The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
- Marriage and Couples https://www.gottman.com/about/research/couples/
- The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/
- The Gottman Method https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work https://www.gottman.com/product/the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work/
- Examining the Effectiveness of Gottman Couple Therapy on Improving Marital Adjustment and Couples' Intimacy https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6037577/
Liz Talago
Liz Talago, M.ed. is a mental health professional turned content writer and strategist based in the Detroit metro area. As an independent consultant for mental health organizations, Liz creates meaningful connections between brands and their audiences through strategic storytelling. Liz is known for championing diverse perspectives within the mental health industry and translating bold ideas into inspiring, affirming digital experiences.
In her free time, you can find her hiking with her two German Shepherds, puttering around her dahlia garden, or spending time with her family.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Ashley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in generational healing and family dynamics. Ashley has worked in schools, clinics, and in private practice. She believes that people’s relationships, including our relationship with ourselves, greatly shape our experiences in life.
Ashley is committed to empowering others to show up authentically and deepen their self understanding. This passion stems from taking a critical lens on her own life story and doing inner healing. One of her favorite quotes is “Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.”
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