How to grieve the end of a friendship

Maybe your friend has done something to hurt you. Maybe you’ve noticed the friendship becoming more toxic over time. Maybe nothing has happened, but you’ve simply grown apart. Regardless of the reason, grieving a friendship breakup can be painful. Your loss deserves to be taken seriously, even if others don’t always understand what you’re going through.

When a friendship ends, you probably feel a mix of emotions — including sadness, anger, guilt, regret, confusion, or even relief. Whatever you’re feeling is OK, and you deserve support for this loss, just like any other.

The stages of grief when a friendship ends

Just like the loss of any important relationship, you may experience the stages of grief when a close friendship ends. These stages were originally outlined by a grief researcher to capture the typical process of grieving the death of a loved one. We have since learned that these stages can apply to many types of grief — not just when someone dies. 

Keep in mind that each stage of grief might not happen linearly. Some people might skip all of the stages and go straight to acceptance, while others could go between anger and depression for months or even years. Whatever you’re feeling is OK, and you deserve support during this challenging time. 

Explore the stages of grief and how they might show up when a friendship ends.

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Denial

You might try to convince yourself that the friendship isn’t really over. You might keep reaching out, acting like nothing has changed, deny what’s happened, or hope that everything will go back to normal. It can be hard to accept that someone who once meant so much to you is no longer in your life in the same way.

Anger

You might be tempted to lash out against your friend for hurting you. You could feel frustrated about the time and emotional energy you invested or even direct some of that anger toward yourself for not seeing it coming. This can also show up through rumination, which can look like talking about the relationship and what occurred with others frequently. 

Bargaining

You might try to fix things by over-apologizing or downplaying your own needs. You could find yourself thinking, “If I just reach out one more time, maybe things will go back to how they were.”

Depression

You might feel deep sadness or loneliness after losing your friend. It can hit you in unexpected ways — like hearing a song that reminds you of them or realizing you don’t have someone to text when something exciting happens. It’s OK to mourn the loss of connection, shared memories, and the future you imagined with that friend.

Acceptance

This could look like finding peace with the end of the friendship, even if you still miss the person. You might start wishing them well, recognizing the good parts of your connection, and feel like you can finally let them go. 

Why a friendship breakup hurts so much

Friendships are some of the most important relationships in our lives. So it’s no wonder why the end of a friendship can hurt so badly.

A friendship breakup can sometimes be even more painful than a romantic breakup because it can be so unexpected. Sometimes it can feel sudden or out of nowhere. Sometimes we feel as though the relationship and its history should have withstood any bumps in the road. Sometimes there’s no final conversation but a gradual fading of the friendship. Some research suggests that friendships often don’t necessarily end because something specific happened — people just naturally grow apart.  

Breakups in romantic relationships are often talked about, but it’s not as common to hear about friendship breakups and how they affect us. So when they do end, it may feel like others don’t honor the loss in the same way as other types of losses. This can lead to what’s called disenfranchised grief — a type of grief that’s not socially validated. We may tell ourselves that we “shouldn’t” feel so upset about the loss of the friendship. 

But the loss of a friendship can have real impacts on our mental health, like an increased risk of loneliness. But know that you’re not alone. With time, it’s possible to heal and build rewarding relationships with others. 

Six ways to cope with a friend breakup

After a friend breakup, it’s essential to protect your mental health and grieve in a healthy way. Here’s what that can look like:

1. Allow yourself to feel

Because friendship loss can be a type of disenfranchised grief, you might feel pressure to just “get over it” and move on with your life. But this is a real loss, and your feelings deserve to be honored. Practicing self-compassion and exploring strategies like mindfulness may help you acknowledge and process your emotions. 

2. Build new friendships

Regardless of what happened between you and your friend, friendships are an essential part of a happy and fulfilled life. So try not to allow this one experience to keep you from pursuing friendships in the future. When you’re ready, focus on building new, healthier friendships. 

Think about what you learned from your previous friendship and what you’d like in a friendship moving forward. It can be harder to make friends as an adult, but there are healthy ways to do so.

3. Remember your boundaries

The friendship may have ended because it was abusive. Maybe they made you feel bad about yourself, manipulated you, or spread rumors about you behind your back. In these cases, it’s important to remember your boundaries and honor your decision to end the friendship. Sticking to your boundaries and prioritizing your well-being doesn’t make you selfish or a bad person.

4. Avoid revenge

If you were hurt by your friend, it can be tempting to want to get revenge. For example, if you share a support network with a friend you broke up with, you might feel like talking badly about your former friend to your circle. Or you might want to betray them in the same way that they betrayed you. But this type of behavior will likely only make you feel worse. 

5. Consider repairing the relationship

Often, friendship breakups happen because you’ve gradually drifted apart over time — not due to one particular event or any negativity. So, it’s possible to repair the relationship if you decide you actually don’t want it to end. You can think about what led to the distance in your relationship and if having this person back in your life would be fulfilling or meaningful. If so, don’t be afraid to reach out to them and tell them how you’ve been feeling.

6. Talk to a therapist

A therapist can help you process your feelings around the friendship ending and understand why it has affected you so deeply. They can also support you as you explore your role in the friendship, your communication patterns, and your readiness to build new connections. Therapy can also help if you’re feeling isolated or stuck after the loss — especially if it’s affecting your mood, sleep, or self-esteem.

Find care with Rula

Grieving a friendship can be confusing, painful, and even disorienting — but support is available. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, disconnected, or unsure how to move forward, therapy can help you process the loss and start healing.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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