If you feel like you hate your family, it’s probably the result of a pattern of toxic behavior. Most people don’t hate their families for no reason.
Being harmed by those who are supposed to love us can be a very painful experience. You might feel caught between wanting to preserve your family relationships and avoid further hurt.
Setting boundaries, managing expectations, and limiting contact can help limit family hostility. But if you need more support, talking to a therapist can help.
Most people want close, loving relationships with their families — or, at the very least, for those relationships to be peaceful and respectful. But when family dynamics involve abuse, neglect, invalidation, constant criticism, eroded boundaries, or more, it can feel like a massive betrayal.
We’re socially and biologically programmed [1] to lean on our loved ones for support. So when there’s a fracture in the family unit, it may be painful and confusing. If the people who are supposed to love you most hurt you, you might start thinking, “I hate my family.”
Of course, we can all experience hostile thoughts in the heat of an argument or conflict. However, if they persist, it might be something to explore with a therapist. Disliking your family doesn’t necessarily mean that you have a mental health concern. You might have many valid reasons to feel that way. But with the right support, you can learn to release negative thoughts and take steps to protect your mental well-being.
The roots of hostility in families
Families are complex systems, and no two are exactly alike. But some things are known to cause hostility and dysfunction in family relationships [2].
These include:
Overt or covert abuse or neglect (i.e. physical, emotional, psychological, sexual)
Diverging values or political leanings
Substance use or behavioral addiction
Poor boundaries
Constant criticism or judgment
Mocking or name-calling
Emotional invalidation
Frequent conflict
Favoritism
Using guilt or manipulation as a means of control
Sometimes, the roots of family hostility are obvious. For example, imagine a child whose parents engaged in physical abuse. The legacy of that behavior could reverberate into their relationships with their children as adults. Even if they’re no longer physically abusive, their adult children might see their parents as emotional liabilities rather than sources of support.
It’s possible for people to feel like they hate their family for no reason. This might lead them to feel bewildered or like they made everything up. While this is technically possible, it isn’t likely. Most people don’t decide to hate their family without cause. However, the cause isn’t always a big, explosive event or as obvious as physical abuse. Family hostility can result from chronic, seemingly subtle behaviors that can erode love and trust over time.
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The impact of carrying hate for your family
Hate is a heavy emotion, even if it feels justified. And when it’s directed toward family, it can be all the more painful to carry.
Long-term exposure to family hostility can lead to:
Increased risk of stress-induced physical health problems [3]
Trouble forming secure, healthy relationships [4]
Greater risk of depression and poorer overall mental health [5]
Problems with substance use [6] and other unhealthy behaviors
How to face animosity toward your family
If you’re carrying negative feelings toward your family members, know that you’re not alone. The old saying that “you can’t choose your family” is true. But that doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate hurtful behavior.
If family dysfunction is negatively affecting your mental health, the following tips can help.
Set clear boundaries
Some people misunderstand boundaries as an attempt to control others’ behavior. But healthy boundaries dictate what you will and won’t tolerate.
For example: Let’s say your sibling is always criticizing your appearance. They claim that it’s because they care and want you to be your “best self,” but it comes across as belittling. You can’t force them to change their language or behavior, but you can let them know what will happen if they continue to act that way. You might say something like, “When you criticize my appearance, it’s hurtful. If that happens again, I will end the conversation.”
Manage expectations
All families argue sometimes and may go through seasons when they don’t feel as close. But deep-seated hostility usually results from a long-term pattern of toxic behavior rather than a one-time event. If you take a step back, you can probably identify some of these patterns in your family. These insights can help you manage your expectations and decide when and if you want to engage.
For example: Let’s say that family holiday gatherings always lead to a conflict. If this has happened year after year, you could reasonably expect that the pattern will continue. And if that’s the case, you may choose to do something different during the next holiday.
Limit contact
If a family member is harmful toward you, remember that you don’t deserve this treatment and you can love someone from a distance. You get to decide how much space you need to feel safe. You’re also entitled to change your mind if you need to.
Limiting contact or going “no contact” can be challenging in certain family dynamics. For example, let’s say you have a wonderful relationship with an aunt. But if their husband, your uncle, treats you poorly, you might have to get creative in how you spend time with your aunt. If you live with family, this can also be tough. Sometimes, you might need to put on your headphones, go for a walk outside, or find other ways to put yourself first and take space.
Seek professional help
Family therapy can help loved ones reconnect, communicate, and heal from past hurts. But it requires commitment and participation from everyone involved.
If family therapy isn’t an option, you can still seek help on your own. Individual therapy can help you process the negative feelings you have toward your family and understand where they’re coming from. A therapist can also help you release negative feelings and learn coping strategies for dealing with toxic behavior. With the right support, you can set healthy boundaries, prioritize your well-being, and remove yourself from unhealthy family dynamics.
The desire for closeness often reflects love or unmet needs, while the desire for distance reflects self-protection. The task is not to choose one over the other but to find a level of connection that is emotionally safe and sustainable for you.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Clinical reviewer
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Most people want a positive relationship with their families. Unfortunately, when there’s abuse, neglect, or other harmful behaviors, you might feel like you hate your family. This heavy emotional burden can be painful, confusing, and difficult to carry.
The bottom line is that we can’t control our loved ones’ behavior. But we can choose how we respond to it. Setting boundaries, managing expectations, limiting contact, and putting yourself first can protect your mental health. Family therapy may be an option as well.
At Rula, we’re here to help you feel better. Rula makes it easy to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who takes your insurance. That way, you don’t have to choose between great care and a price you can afford.
Rula patients pay about $15 per session with insurance, and 93% say they feel better after getting care through Rula. We have 21,000+ providers, and appointments are available as soon as tomorrow. We’re here to help you take the next step — wherever you are in your mental health journey.
References
- Psychobiology of Attachment and Trauma—Some General Remarks From a Clinical Perspective https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6920243/
- Is my family dysfunctional? https://screening.mhanational.org/content/my-family-dysfunctional/?ref=101%3E
- Risky families: family social environments and the mental and physical health of offspring https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11931522/
- A prospective longitudinal study of attachment disorganization/disorientation https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9768489/
- Worldwide Mental Health Correlates of Parental Acceptance-Rejection: Review of Cross-Cultural and Intracultural Evidence https://www.researchgate.net/publication/249630188_Worldwide_Mental_Health_Correlates_of_Parental_Acceptance-Rejection_Review_of_Cross-Cultural_and_Intracultural_Evidence
- The enduring effects of abuse and related adverse experiences in childhood https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3232061/#S40
Liz Talago
Liz Talago, M.ed. is a mental health professional turned content writer and strategist based in the Detroit metro area. As an independent consultant for mental health organizations, Liz creates meaningful connections between brands and their audiences through strategic storytelling. Liz is known for championing diverse perspectives within the mental health industry and translating bold ideas into inspiring, affirming digital experiences.
In her free time, you can find her hiking with her two German Shepherds, puttering around her dahlia garden, or spending time with her family.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Ashley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in generational healing and family dynamics. Ashley has worked in schools, clinics, and in private practice. She believes that people’s relationships, including our relationship with ourselves, greatly shape our experiences in life.
Ashley is committed to empowering others to show up authentically and deepen their self understanding. This passion stems from taking a critical lens on her own life story and doing inner healing. One of her favorite quotes is “Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.”
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