How to show up for someone with an anxiety disorder

Witnessing someone you care about dealing with their mental health can be hard. If a friend or loved one is experiencing an anxiety disorder — or you suspect they might be — you probably wish there was something you could do to help them feel more at ease. 

At the same time, you may not be sure how to start a conversation about anxiety. You might worry about doing or saying the wrong thing, or somehow making it worse. But with the right preparation and approach, you can feel more confident offering meaningful support to someone with anxiety. 

Learn the signs 

Sometimes, it can be tough to tell the difference between everyday worries and a clinical anxiety disorder. Everyone faces fears or uncertainty once in a while. But experiencing the feeling of anxiety isn’t the same as having an anxiety disorder. 

People living with anxiety disorders have chronic, severe fears and worries about bad things happening in the future. These worries are so intense that it negatively affects their mental health, relationships, and daily functioning. 

Watch out for these signs of an anxiety disorder ^[1] in someone you care about:

• They worry so much that it’s preventing them from leaving the house or doing things they once enjoyed.

• They spend most of their time alone.

• Their anxiety has impacted their ability to succeed at work or school. 

• They’ve expressed physical complaints like headaches, stomach problems, or heart palpitations. 

• They have trouble falling or staying asleep.

• They often seem restless, irritable, or on edge.

• They appear to be tired all the time, no matter how long they sleep.

• They’re struggling with focus and concentration.

• They talk about how anxious they feel or share the worries they have.

Start the conversation 

If you’re worried about having a conversation about anxiety, remember there’s no perfect script that you need to follow. What matters most is that you approach the topic with sensitivity and compassion. 

If you choose to do this in person, try to pick a private place and a time when you won’t feel rushed. Alternatively, you may prefer to reach out via text or email. This can be helpful for some people because it allows the person to reply when they’re ready, instead of feeling pressured to respond in the moment. 

You might say or write something like, “Hey, I noticed you’ve seemed worried a lot lately. I just wanted to check in and let you know that I’m here if you want to talk.”

Seek understanding 

If your friend or loved one is ready to talk, let them speak about what they’re going through. Your job at this stage isn’t to spring into action. Rather, it’s to listen reflectively to get a better understanding of how anxiety is affecting their life. 

Throughout this conversation and later ones, you may hear things that don’t make sense to you or that seem counterintuitive. That’s OK! Keep in mind that while mental health conditions aren’t always expressed logically, the pain they cause is nonetheless very real. So try to listen with an open mind, ask clarifying questions if needed, reflect what you’ve heard to ensure understanding, and avoid judgment.

Brainstorm ways to help 

With your friend or loved one’s permission, steer the conversation toward ways you can lend a hand. This can include how to step in when an anxiety cycle starts, as well as strategies for long-term support. 

Remember, your friend or loved one is the expert on themselves. So ask them if there are specific things you can do — or not do — when they’re anxious. 

For example, if they’re having a panic attack, ask how they’d like you to respond. It could be helping them get to a quieter area, offering some water, giving them space, or simply holding their hand. If they’re not clear on what would help, reassure them that it’s OK to experiment. You can brainstorm some different options and create a plan to explore what works.

Encourage therapy or psychiatric care 

Your support can be an essential part of your loved one’s recovery from anxiety. But it can’t take the place of professional help. 

Most people with anxiety disorders benefit from working with a therapist or psychiatrist. If your loved one is hesitant to ask for help, let them express their fears or concerns without minimizing them. Remind them that anxiety disorders are treatable and you’re there to support them. 

Once they’re ready to access treatment, you can help them streamline the process. This might include: 

• Helping them get a referral from an existing provider 

• Exploring in-person or teletherapy options 

• Verifying insurance coverage and understanding financial obligations 

• Providing child care or transportation to make it easier to attend appointments 

Prioritize self-care

The old saying that “it’s hard to pour from an empty cup” is a good reminder of the importance of self-care. If caregivers neglect their own well-being, they won’t have as great a capacity to support others. 

That said, self-care doesn’t always have to be expensive vacations or trips to the spa (although those can be enjoyable!). It can be any healthy activity that gives you energy, brings you joy, and reduces your stress level. 

In other words, you get to decide what self-care means to you. And by making time for it, you’ll be better equipped to help your loved one manage their anxiety.

Clinician’s take

A helpful mindset shift is remembering that anxiety is a nervous system state, not a logic problem. You’re supporting someone who is responding to their dysregulated body. You can stay grounded by focusing on co-regulation through a slow tone, steady presence, and simple questions.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer