The emotional impact of infertility

Infertility ^[1] is a challenging but common experience for many couples. According to the World Health Organization ^[2] (WHO), infertility impacts about 1 in 6 people worldwide. However, despite how common it is, the emotional toll of infertility isn’t widely discussed. It can be an isolating experience and bring up complex emotions like grief, frustration, anger, sadness, and more. 

Learning more about how infertility affects your mental health can help remind you that you aren’t alone and know when to reach out for help. 

What infertility can feel like emotionally

People who are struggling to conceive face unique emotional challenges. These experiences can vary from person to person and couple to couple. Whatever you’re feeling, your emotions and experience are valid. 

Here are some examples of what infertility can feel like:

• “To the outside world, I might seem like a healthy person. But inside, I feel like my body has betrayed me. I work so hard to follow my doctor’s advice, and I do all the ‘right’ things. I never thought conceiving would be this hard, and it seems so unfair. My future feels totally out of my control.”

• “I look around and see people getting pregnant all the time, and it seems so easy for them. It makes me feel inadequate or like I’m broken in some way.”

• “No one around me knows what I’m going through, except a few close friends and family members. It’s so isolating moving through my day like everything is normal while I’m carrying this heartbreak. It’s incredibly lonely.”

• “My partner tries to be so loving and supportive. But we both know that it’s my fault that we’re facing infertility. I feel guilty that I’m putting them through this, and I’m worried they’ll leave me if we can’t get pregnant.”

• “All my life, I’ve had this deep sense that I’m meant to be a parent. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do. Now, I’m sitting with the reality that this might not be possible for me, at least not in the way I planned. It’s a kind of grief no one talks about.”

• “When someone tells me they’re pregnant, I force a smile. In my mind, I know it isn’t their fault that I’m facing infertility. But I can’t help but feel resentful, and then I feel guilty for feeling that way. I just don’t want to be around anything that reminds me of babies or pregnancy right now.”

How infertility can affect your mental health

Whether you’re trying to become a parent for the first time or expand your family, infertility can take a toll on your mental health. 

This is because infertility can be a highly stressful yet isolating experience. Research shows that it can increase the risk of depression, anxiety disorders, and other mental health concerns. Unfortunately, many people navigate it in silence. Only about 7% of people ^[3] experiencing mental health challenges alongside infertility seek professional help.

The psychological pain of infertility can affect people of all genders. But even when the noncarrying partner is experiencing infertility, carrying partners undergo the majority of medical fertility treatment ^[4]. These treatments can add to the physical and emotional strain of infertility. This may be, in part, why approximately 40% of carrying partners ^[3] experiencing infertility have a mental health diagnosis.

How to cope with not being able to get pregnant

Maybe you’ve been struggling with infertility for a few months. Maybe it has been a yearslong journey. No matter how long you’ve been coping with infertility, coming to terms with it can be a challenge. 

Not being able to become pregnant in the way you’d hoped can represent a profound loss. If you’re struggling with your mental health, you’re not alone and help is available. There are safe, effective treatments, including therapy and medication, for mental health conditions like depression and anxiety disorders ^[5]. Seeking care can help you manage the stress of infertility and may help you have a healthier pregnancy if you conceive.

In addition, these strategies can help you maintain your mental health as you experience infertility: 

• Talk about what you’re going through. Whether with a friend, loved one, or infertility support group ^[6], opening up about infertility can help you feel less alone. You may also get to learn how other people in your life have coped with similar challenges.

• Allow yourself to grieve. Infertility isn’t viewed in the same way as other forms of loss. But it can still lead to grief. Give yourself whatever time, space, or rituals you need to mourn the loss of the future you’d hoped to achieve.

• Be kind to your body. Infertility can cause you to feel angry or resentful toward your body. But remember that your physical and mental health are connected. Try to nurture your body with healthy food, rest, movement, and self-care.

• Acknowledge relationship strain. Infertility can take a toll on relationships. You may disagree with your partner about next steps, like adoption or starting or stopping infertility treatments. If infertility is creating friction in your relationship, couples counseling ^[7] can help you process your emotions, heal from conflict, and strengthen your connection.

• Manage your stress level. We aren’t yet entirely sure what role stress plays in infertility. But some researchers suggest ^[8] that it may serve as a barrier to pregnancy. Managing stress with activities like mindfulness or breathing exercises may make it easier to conceive.

Clinician’s take

One of the most misunderstood parts of infertility grief is feeling like you don’t have control over this part of your life. The repeated cycles of hope and disappointment can wear on someone emotionally. Recognizing this as real, ongoing grief can help people respond to themselves with more compassion and seek the support they deserve.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer