People may think of a miscarriage as something that only women or carrying partners experience. But it can take an emotional toll on noncarrying partners too.
After a miscarriage, men may experience feelings like sadness, anger, guilt, shame. Men deserve support as they navigate this experience.
Naming your feelings, opening up about your experiences, and communicating with your partner can help you process your loss. If you need additional support, therapy can help.
The grief that accompanies miscarriage can be complex for carrying and noncarrying partners alike. But men or noncarrying partners may face unique emotional challenges during this sensitive time.
Sadly, their grief may be overlooked [1], even more so than the carrying partner’s. This may be due to societal attitudes about masculinity — like the pressure to “man up” in difficult situations — or because they didn’t experience the loss physically. But a man can experience significant emotional pain after a miscarriage.
Learning more about how miscarriage affects men can help you find the support you need to move through this experience.
A note on language: At Rula, we believe that all people, regardless of gender, deserve research-backed information to support their reproductive and mental health. One of the challenges in discussing the effects of miscarriage on noncarrying partners is that most of the research centers on cisgender men. For this discussion, we’ll be using the term “men” to refer to noncarrying partners. However, we wish to acknowledge that anyone who identifies as a man can be impacted by miscarriage. As new, more inclusive research is published, we’re committed to updating our content to reflect these changes.
How miscarriage can affect noncarrying partners
Across the world, about up to 50% of pregnancies [2] end in miscarriage. But despite how common it is, this experience isn’t widely discussed — and discussions around the emotional impacts tend to focus on women or carrying partners [1]. So men and noncarrying partners don’t always receive the pregnancy loss support they deserve.
While miscarriage affects everyone differently, here’s what we know about the toll it can take on noncarrying partners:
Mixed emotions: Men might feel sad, guilty, angry [3], helpless, depressed, or any other combination of emotions after a miscarriage. But without support, they may not know how to process them in healthy ways.
Gendered expectations: In addition to navigating their own grief, noncarrying partners may face societal pressure to “man up” or “be strong.” They might feel like they should be able to offer solutions or take away their partner’s pain.
Worries about the future: Men might begin questioning what it will mean for the future if their partner is unable to carry a pregnancy to term. Or they might fear for their partner’s health if they were to become pregnant again and have another miscarriage.
Relationship issues: Men might worry that the emotional weight of the miscarriage will create intimacy issues in their relationship. Some men report a decline in the quality of their sex life [4] following pregnancy loss.
Unhealthy coping strategies. When men don’t have the support they need, they may turn to unhealthy coping strategies as a way of avoiding uncomfortable feelings. Research shows that some men turn to unhealthy substance use [3] as a way to mask their grief.
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Coping with miscarriage as a man or noncarrying partner
You and your partner each get to decide what feels supportive after a miscarriage. As the noncarrying partner, the following tips [5] may help you cope during this challenging time.
Handle practical concerns
If you feel the urge to spring into action, focus on making arrangements.
For example, after a miscarriage, you can provide support in practical ways, like communicating with medical professionals or deciding how and when — or if — to share the news with others. Take your time, seek your partner’s input, and know that you don’t have to take any step you’re not ready for.
Prepare for mixed reactions
Once you’ve decided to let others know about the miscarriage, prepare for mixed reactions. Some people might know exactly what you're going through. But others might not know what to say.
Try to remember that if someone seems unsupportive or responds awkwardly, it’s not your fault, and it doesn’t mean they don’t care. Miscarriage isn’t often discussed, so even well-intentioned people may not feel equipped to offer support.
Honor your emotions
There’s no right or wrong way to feel after a miscarriage. What matters is that you allow your emotions to surface and find healthy ways to express them.
Try to find some quiet time and space to name your feelings. Maybe even write them down. If you’re feeling the urge to be strong for your partner, know that strength comes in many forms. You have a right to express emotion and grieve your loss. If you’re not in the habit of expressing emotion, this might feel a little uncomfortable at first. But with a little practice, it will get easier.
Talk to someone you trust
Whether it’s with a friend, family member, or miscarriage support group, talking about your loss can help you feel supported and less alone. Again, miscarriages are quite common, even though we don’t often hear about them. So you may be surprised to learn that someone you’re close to has been through the same thing. They may be able to offer advice on how they coped with the experience.
Communicate with your partner
Two people can experience the same loss. But that doesn’t mean they’ll grieve in the same ways. Your partner may be healing physically as well as emotionally, so try to offer patience and sensitivity. Check in regularly, ask how they’re doing, but don’t push if they’re not ready to talk.
You can say something like, “I just want you to know that you’re not alone in this. I’m struggling in ways I didn’t expect. But I want us to heal together. Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’m here.”
Avoid hasty decisions
In the aftermath of a miscarriage, some couples may want to try to get pregnant again as soon as possible. Understandably, you might want to put this painful experience behind you. But you don’t have to decide on next steps right away.
Give yourself (and your partner) the chance to talk about any fears or worries you have. If you’re not ready to begin trying again right now, let your partner know.
Ask for help
Having a hard time after losing a pregnancy doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you or that you have a mental health condition. It often just means that you’re human and you’re dealing with a difficult loss.
In those instances, sometimes asking for help is the strongest thing a person can do. Therapy can provide a safe space to process the experience, express your emotions, and learn healthy ways to navigate grief.
One dynamic I often see is men feeling pressure to stay strong for their partner while pushing their own grief aside. They may focus on fixing things or being the ‘steady one.’ Over time, that can leave them feeling alone in their loss. Their grief is real, even if it looks quieter or more private.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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Miscarriages can bring up a variety of mixed emotions for men and noncarrying partners. Men can experience distress, depression, and grief after a miscarriage — but many don’t know where to turn for help. If you’re a noncarrying partner, know that support is available. Asking for help can be the strongest thing you can do for yourself and your partner.
At Rula, we’re here to help you feel better. Rula makes it easy to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who takes your insurance. That way, you don’t have to choose between great care and a price you can afford.
Rula patients pay about $15 per session with insurance, and 93% say they feel better after getting care through Rula. We have 21,000+ providers, and appointments are available as soon as tomorrow. We’re here to help you take the next step — wherever you are in your mental health journey.
References
- Men Are the Forgotten Grievers in Miscarriage https://time.com/3982471/men-are-the-forgotten-grievers-in-miscarriage/
- The impact of pregnancy loss on men’s health and wellbeing: a systematic review https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5688642/
- Breaking the Silence: Men's Experience of Miscarriage. An Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/10541373221133003
- Recurrent miscarriage: psychological and relational consequences for couples https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17312873/
- Men and miscarriage https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/Men-and-Miscarriage.pdf
Liz Talago
Liz Talago, M.ed. is a mental health professional turned content writer and strategist based in the Detroit metro area. As an independent consultant for mental health organizations, Liz creates meaningful connections between brands and their audiences through strategic storytelling. Liz is known for championing diverse perspectives within the mental health industry and translating bold ideas into inspiring, affirming digital experiences.
In her free time, you can find her hiking with her two German Shepherds, puttering around her dahlia garden, or spending time with her family.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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Members of Rula’s clinical leadership team and other expert providers contribute to all published content, offering guidance on themes and insights based on their firsthand experience in the field. Every piece of content is thoroughly reviewed by a clinician before publishing.
