Pregnancy loss is common. But people might feel like they can’t grieve fully, which makes support essential.
The most helpful support focuses on validation, presence, and practical help. Avoid fixing, reframing, or minimizing the loss.
Grief after miscarriage doesn’t follow a timeline, so continuing to check in over time can make a difference.
Pregnancy loss is incredibly common. Up to 20% [1] of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. But the topic is still heavily surrounded by stigma. Society often sweeps the topic of miscarriage under the rug or doesn’t acknowledge the grief that comes with this experience. People who experience miscarriage often end up grieving in silence. They might even feel ashamed or isolated from their loved ones.
That’s why your support is so important during this time. You can show up for someone who experienced a miscarriage in ways that feel grounding and genuinely helpful. Being there for someone after pregnancy loss can help them feel less alone.
1. Directly acknowledge the loss
Worldwide, miscarriage is often taboo [2]. Your first thought might be to avoid talking about it or use euphemisms. You might worry that talking about it will make your loved one feel worse. But it’s important to directly acknowledge their loss.
Talk to them about it, as if they had experienced any other loss. You might say something simple, like, “I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
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2. Avoid toxic positivity
Don’t try to find a silver lining or try to spin their loss into a positive experience.
Avoid saying things like:
“Your baby is in heaven now.”
“At least you know you can get pregnant.”
“At least it was early on.”
“You can always try again.”
You might have the best of intentions, but these types of “positive” statements can make the person who has miscarried feel minimized. Allow them their pain, even if it feels uncomfortable for you.
3. Validate their feelings
No matter what your loved one is feeling, validate their emotions. There’s no “wrong” way to feel grief, and no two experiences are exactly the same. Your loved one might be feeling immense sadness, anger, guilt, relief, and confusion — and maybe all at the same time.
Avoid judging them for their feelings, and hold space for them to have many different (and sometimes conflicting) emotions at once. For instance, avoid saying something like, “Yesterday you told me you were relieved, and today you’re crying. Which is it?”
Instead, validate their feelings by saying something like, “Whatever you’re feeling right now is OK. There are no wrong ways to feel during this experience.”
4. Offer practical support
It’s sometimes enough just to check in and offer emotional support for your loved one. But it can also help to offer specific, practical support — especially if you have a close relationship.
For example, you might:
Babysit their other children
Offer to bring meals
Clean their home
Pick up medications
Drive them to appointments
Help them find a therapist
The grief of miscarriage can often be overwhelming, and supporting them can help your loved one have the emotional space to grieve. How comfortable they are with accepting your help or having you in their home will depend on the nature of your relationship. Don’t force your support or presence on them if it’s not welcome.
5. Keep the focus on them
The grief of miscarriage is unique. Your loved one may not feel like stories of other types of losses are helpful. So, let them talk about how they’re feeling in the moment, not what you can compare it to.
Especially avoid talking about other losses to minimize their pain. For example, don’t say something like, “My other friend had a stillborn birth, and that was a lot harder.”
One possible exception is if you’ve experienced a miscarriage yourself. Though miscarriage is common, many people are still hesitant to talk about it. Many people seek out peer support [3] after a miscarriage because they want to talk to someone who understands. Letting them know that you’ve also experienced the same thing may help your loved one feel less alone.
6. Continue checking in
The pain of pregnancy loss continues long past the first few weeks. Even if your loved one has had a successful pregnancy since, they still might be grieving the one they lost. Don’t stop checking in with them. Understand that grief might be especially heavy during commemorative dates, like the anniversary of their loss.
A simple message like, “Thinking of you today,” can go a long way. Let them lead the conversation, and accept that some days they may want to talk — and other days they may not.
Many grieving patients say the most supportive moments were simple ones, like someone using their baby’s name or acknowledging the loss without trying to fix it. Small gestures that show the loss was real and remembered often mean more than perfectly chosen words.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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Supporting someone after pregnancy loss means showing up in real ways. Just acknowledging the loss directly and making your presence known can make a big difference. You don’t need to offer the perfect solution or “fix” their pain. Being present, non-judgmental, and consistent is often what matters most.
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References
- A National Survey on Public Perceptions of Miscarriage https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4443861/
- Why we need to talk about losing a baby https://www.who.int/news-room/spotlight/why-we-need-to-talk-about-losing-a-baby
- Supporting parents following pregnancy loss: a cross-sectional study of telephone peer supporters https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4640395/
Saya Des Marais
Saya graduated with her Master in Social Work (MSW) with a concentration in mental health from the University of Southern California in 2010. She formerly worked as a therapist and motivational interviewing trainer in community clinics, public schools, mental health startups, and more.
Her writing has been featured in FORTUNE, GoodRX, PsychCentral, and dozens of mental health apps and therapy websites. Through both her clinical work and her personal OCD diagnosis, she’s learned the importance of making empathetic and accurate mental health content available online.
She lives in Portland, Oregon but you can find her almost just as often in Mexico or in her birthplace, Tokyo.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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