Recognizing and reframing negative self-talk

Most of us have a voice in our head that points out our mistakes or flaws. It often means well, trying to keep us safe and help us improve, but sometimes can be too harsh and turn into negative self-talk. This “inner bully” isn’t just annoying. It can also fuel anxiety and depression, increase stress, and lower self-esteem.

It’s possible to reframe your thoughts. While overcoming negative self-talk takes practice, you can replace it with positive and supportive thoughts with the right strategies. 

Common ways negative self-talk shows up

Negative self-talk shows up in many ways, often blending into your daily thoughts and habits. It can appear as part of the negative thought patterns ^[1] that distort reality and reinforce negative thinking, like: 

• Catastrophizing: You assume the worst-case scenario in every situation.

• Personalizing: You find yourself taking responsibility for things that aren’t your fault.

• Filtering: You can’t help but focus on the negative. 

• Polarizing: You view life in strict black-and-white terms; either you’re a success or a failure — no in between. 

• “Should” statements: You constantly criticize yourself for not meeting unrealistic standards, like, “I should be working harder,” or “I shouldn’t be proud of myself.” 

• Overgeneralizing: You believe one bad experience defines all future outcomes.

• Emotional reasoning: You think that because you feel a certain way, it must be true. 

Examples of sneaky self-criticism you may not notice

Negative self-criticism often disguises itself in subtle ways, making it harder to recognize. By staying mindful of these sneaky patterns, you can catch self-critical thoughts and reframe them into compassionate self-talk.

Here are some examples of how self-criticism can appear:

• Disguising negative self-talk as humor: Self-critical comments hidden behind humor can seem harmless, but they can reinforce negative beliefs. For example, joking about being “a walking disaster” may seem funny but can erode self-esteem over time.

• Downplaying achievements: Instead of celebrating your successes, you might tell people “it’s no big deal,” which minimizes your hard work and stops you from fully appreciating your efforts.

• Comparing yourself to others: Measuring yourself against others can make you believe that you’re not enough. Saying “I’ll never have the success and happiness they have” disregards your unique achievements.

• Minimizing your worth: Thinking or saying you don’t deserve good things undermines your self-worth and prevents you from accepting joy.

• Assuming blame: Taking responsibility for problems or failures — even when they’re beyond your control — can fuel negative self-talk.

• Deflecting compliments: If compliments make you uncomfortable, you might dismiss them. Brushing off praise minimizes the positive praise you deserve.

• Self-protection: In some cases, negative self-talk can be a defense mechanism. By criticizing yourself first, you might feel that you’re softening the blow of rejection from others.

The insidious effects of being your own worst critic

Negative self-talk does more than damage self-esteem — it can also impact our physical and mental health. Research shows that persistent negative thinking can actually impact your cognitive abilities ^[2], making it even more important to get the support you deserve. 

Beyond this, there are many ways negative self-talk can affect you, including: 

• Increased anxiety and stress: Catastrophic thinking ^[3] can lead to heightened anxiety and activate the body’s stress response. 

• Depression: Frequent self-criticism creates a cycle of negativity ^[4], contributing to feelings of hopelessness and depression.

• Physical health challenges: Stress from negative self-talk can lead to a variety of physical ailments ^[5], including headaches, fatigue, heart disease, weight gain, digestive problems, and a weakened immune function. 

• Lowered self-esteem: Taking negative self-talk to heart can erode self-confidence ^[6].

Addressing negative self-talk can not only improve how you feel about yourself but also your overall well-being.

The impact of negative self-talk on ADHD, anxiety, and more

Negative self-talk can intensify mental health symptoms, causing a cycle of self-criticism and emotional distress. It can increase stress, fuel anxiety, and worsen conditions like depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Here’s how negative self-talk affects specific mental health conditions:

• Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD): Many people with ADHD have rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), which makes them extra sensitive to judgment and failure. They can internalize this perceived rejection or criticism, which can result in depression.

• Autism: Difficulty recognizing social cues, repetitive thinking, and coping with external criticism can lead to negative self-talk ^[7] and self-doubt.

• Depression: Persistent self-criticism and feelings of being “different” or “not good enough” can contribute to depression. Negative self-talk and dwelling on negative feelings can also worsen existing depression symptoms ^[8].

• Anxiety: Negative self-talk can fuel anxiety ^[9] — especially in social interactions or when facing new situations.

• Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD): People with OCD often have intrusive thoughts and frustration with compulsive behaviors ^[10]. This can lead to negative self-talk and reinforce negative beliefs.

• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): Trauma survivors often blame themselves for traumatic events and have a negative view of themselves or the world ^[11]. Their feelings of low self-worth and isolation can compound this.

Understanding how negative self-talk affects mental health is an important step in breaking the cycle.

Where does negative self-talk come from?

Negative self-talk can result from early life experiences ^[12] like high expectations or criticism from our parents, teachers, or peers. 

If you were bullied, abused, or had a teacher or parent who was overly critical, you might internalize those negative messages. You may also have observed how your parents or caregivers responded ^[13] with negative self-talk. For example, if they blamed themselves or said, “I’m so stupid,” you might’ve adopted similar patterns.

Stopping negative self-talk for good

The first step to replacing negative self-talk with more positive affirmations is noticing it and becoming aware of the patterns that bring you down. Recognizing these patterns is key to changing them.

Here are some gentle ways to combat negative self-talk:

• Keep a journal. Writing down your thoughts to track recurring patterns can help you better understand what might trigger negative thoughts. 

• Challenge negative thoughts. When a negative thought pops up, ask yourself, “Is this true?” Oftentimes, it’s not, and you’re able to soften your self-criticism. 

• Practice self-compassion. Try speaking to yourself as you would to a good friend. For instance, would you tell a friend they’re worthless or ugly? Probably not. 

• Try mindfulness. Focus on the present rather than regretting the past or worrying about the future.

• Seek support. If your negative self-talk feels overwhelming, professional support can help you nurture a more positive mindset. 

Talk therapy can help you to understand the connection between your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Forms of talk therapy that can help with negative self-talk include:

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): If you find yourself often falling into patterns of negative self-talk, CBT can be beneficial. This type of therapy focuses on replacing negative self-talk with healthier thoughts.

• Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT): With ACT, therapists help you learn strategies to build self-awareness, self-acceptance, and mindfulness.

• Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT): DBT provides tools like mindfulness, teaching you how to manage emotions and negative thinking.

Clinician’s take

The first big step in addressing negative self-talk is catching it when it comes up. The quicker we can recognize we are actively doing it, the quicker we can address it.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer