In one-sided friendships, one person does most of the reaching out, checking in, and making plans. This can take a toll on their well-being and the health of the friendship.
It’s OK if a friendship seems imbalanced temporarily. Sometimes, we need to show our friends patience and compassion — especially when they’re dealing with a major stressor.
You may want to consider speaking up or ending the relationship if the friendship has felt one-sided for a long time. Therapy can help you determine the best way to move forward.
Healthy friendships require a mix of give-and-take. Effort might not always be an even split, and that’s OK. Sometimes, depending on what’s happening in your friend’s life, you may need to offer more support than your friend can provide — and vice versa.
However, if you feel like you’re always the one calling, texting, and making plans, the friendship may begin to feel one-sided. This can feel draining and frustrating. If this dynamic continues, you may begin to question whether you want to continue the relationship.
Learning more about one-sided friendships can help you decide how to move forward when a relationship becomes imbalanced.
Signs of a one-sided friendship
Research shows that one-sided friendships might be more common than you think. According to a recent study, the majority of people think of their friendships as mostly reciprocal. But in reality, only about half [1] are. This suggests that it might be hard to spot one-sided friendships.
When we care about someone, we want to offer them the benefit of the doubt or see them in the best light possible. It can be uncomfortable to admit that someone we consider a friend doesn’t value the relationship in the same way you do. Understanding what an imbalanced relationship looks like can help you determine which relationships you want to invest your time and energy into.
Watch out for these signs of a one-sided friendship:
If something positive happens in your friend’s life, you reach out right away and make an effort to celebrate them. Unfortunately, your friend doesn’t acknowledge your achievements in the same way.
When you’re with your friend, you usually have a great time. But you’re the only one who initiates plans, makes reservations, contributes to the conversation, and more. Your friend will attend get-togethers, but only if you plan them.
If your friend does or says something that rubs you the wrong way, you don’t feel like you can bring it up to them. You worry that they’ll get defensive, blame you, or shut down altogether. So you tend to keep those thoughts and feelings to yourself.
It seems like your friend only reaches out when they want something from you or when it’s convenient for them. When you talk, they monopolize the conversation and rarely ask you questions or express genuine curiosity in your life.
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How one-sided friendships happen
Friendships — especially long-term ones — can go through different seasons. Sometimes, both people are actively involved. Other times, one friend might have less time or energy to devote to the relationship. This can happen for any number of reasons. Often, major life events like moving, starting a new job, having a child, experiencing relationship issues, or losing a loved one can, understandably, impact friendships. The hope is that once things settle, people can resume their connection.
Friendships can also feel one-sided if one person is struggling with their mental or physical health. For example, if you have a friend living with depression, they might tend to pull away or spend more time alone. This can be hard, especially if you miss your friend. In those moments, try to offer empathy and patience. Let your friend know that you care about them and will be there when they’re ready to talk.
Finally, friendships can feel one-sided when there’s an imbalance of expectations. For example, maybe you want friends who like to see each other most weekends, text throughout the day, and take regular trips together. But if the other person doesn’t have the time, energy, or inclination to do those things, you’ll likely face a misalignment.
The emotional toll of unbalanced friendship
Many studies have documented the importance of friendship in maintaining well-being. But researchers have also documented the emotional toll of unhealthy friendships.
According to a 2022 review [2], imbalanced friendships may lead to:
Loneliness and isolation
Increased risk of depression
Lower life satisfaction
Poor self-worth or self-esteem
Greater risk of unhealthy behaviors
Reduced overall quality of life
Deciding what to do when effort isn’t mutual
If you determine that you’re in a one-sided friendship, the next steps are up to you. You can try to address the issue directly and tell your friend honestly how you’ve been feeling. You can say something like, “I’ve been feeling a little lonely within our relationship and would love it if you made more of an effort in reaching out. I care about our friendship and want to address it directly with you.”
If you don’t feel comfortable or they’ve been unresponsive, you can explore some other strategies. These include:
Wait and see. If your friend seems less available than usual, consider why this might be happening. For example, maybe they’re busy with work or health issues. You can be understanding and still let them know how you’re feeling. For example, you might say something like, “I know there’s a lot going on right now, and I get that you don’t have time to hang out. I just want you to know that even if we’re not talking all the time, I’m thinking of you, and I hope we can check in soon.”
End the friendship. If you’ve demonstrated patience and kindly expressed your feelings, and your friend still doesn’t seem interested in engaging, it may be time to end the friendship. This is up to you to decide — but if you’re not feeling valued and respected in your friendship or any relationship, it’s OK to move on. You can choose to let your friend know or you can quietly let the relationship fade. If you do decide to tell your friend that you’re moving on, you can use an “I” statement like, “When we first met, I really loved getting to know you. But lately, I’ve been feeling like we’re not looking for the same things from a friendship. I care about you, but I need to focus on my own well-being right now.”
Ask for help. If you’re having trouble navigating an imbalanced friendship, know that help is available. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore the pros and cons of ending a friendship, grieve the loss of an important connection, and practice skills that can help you create healthy relationships in the future.
If you are unsure if this imbalance is temporary or harmful, consider how the other person responds when you have something pressing to share. If they’re able to make space for you, it may have been a temporary moment. If they are non-responsive or make it about them, this may be more harmful. Only you get to decide how you feel and what to do next.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Clinical reviewer
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Most friendships — especially those that stand the test of time — will go through some ups and downs. Sometimes life is busy, and people have less time to prioritize friendships. But if it seems like you’re always the one reaching out, making plans, and offering support, the friendship might start to feel imbalanced.
You might consider talking to your friend about how you feel, being patient and giving them space, or deciding to end the friendship if that feels right to you. Therapy can process uncomfortable emotions, identify unhealthy relationship patterns, and decide what’s best for your future.
At Rula, we’re here to help you feel better. Rula makes it easy to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who takes your insurance. That way, you don’t have to choose between great care and a price you can afford.
Rula patients pay about $15 per session with insurance, and 93% say they feel better after getting care through Rula. We have 21,000+ providers, and appointments are available as soon as tomorrow. We’re here to help you take the next step — wherever you are in your mental health journey.
References
- Are You Your Friends’ Friend? Poor Perception of Friendship Ties Limits the Ability to Promote Behavioral Change https://www.researchgate.net/publication/299376026_Are_You_Your_Friends%27_Friend_Poor_Perception_of_Friendship_Ties_Limits_the_Ability_to_Promote_Behavioral_Change
- Association between friendship quality and subjective wellbeing among adolescents: a systematic review https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9784006/
Liz Talago
Liz Talago, M.ed. is a mental health professional turned content writer and strategist based in the Detroit metro area. As an independent consultant for mental health organizations, Liz creates meaningful connections between brands and their audiences through strategic storytelling. Liz is known for championing diverse perspectives within the mental health industry and translating bold ideas into inspiring, affirming digital experiences.
In her free time, you can find her hiking with her two German Shepherds, puttering around her dahlia garden, or spending time with her family.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Ashley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in generational healing and family dynamics. Ashley has worked in schools, clinics, and in private practice. She believes that people’s relationships, including our relationship with ourselves, greatly shape our experiences in life.
Ashley is committed to empowering others to show up authentically and deepen their self understanding. This passion stems from taking a critical lens on her own life story and doing inner healing. One of her favorite quotes is “Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.”
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