Key Takeaways
Missing your partner is normal. But if it’s impacting your ability to function, you might be experiencing separation anxiety.
Separation anxiety can lead to emotional distress and unhealthy relationship dynamics — especially if left untreated.
Even if your symptoms are mild, learning how to manage separation anxiety can strengthen your mental health and your relationship.
Relationship separation anxiety can be hard to notice at first. Missing your partner is normal and can even be healthy, so you might not realize that there’s anything wrong.
Separation anxiety in relationships happens when the fear or distress of being apart from a partner feels intense, persistent, or hard to manage. Separation anxiety in adults is relatively common, and research shows it affects up to 42% of adults. Learning to recognize the signs of separation anxiety and understanding what’s behind it can help you feel more grounded and build a healthier relationship.
Signs of separation anxiety in your relationship
It’s normal to feel some sadness when your loved ones are away. But separation anxiety in a relationship isn’t just about thinking about your partner or missing them when they’re gone. It’s much more intense and might make it hard to focus on daily tasks or other relationships.
If your partner is going to be out of the country for several weeks or months, it’s completely understandable to be sad about it. You may even cry while saying goodbye to them at the airport. But you know they’re coming home, and you live your life in the meantime. You walk your dog, see your friends, and go to work.
Someone with separation anxiety could feel much more intense distress, even for shorter or less extreme separations. For example, even if your partner is only away for a weekend, you might feel so upset and anxious that you’re unable to focus on anything else.
Some signs that you might be experiencing separation anxiety in your relationship include:
Feeling intense fear or panic when your partner is away
Crying or feeling physically ill during separations
Difficulty concentrating or doing everyday tasks without them
Canceling your own plans so you don’t have to be apart
Struggling to sleep, eat, or relax unless they’re physically nearby
Constantly worrying something bad will happen to them
Feeling like you “can’t function” without their presence or attention
Separation anxiety isn’t the only mental health condition with these symptoms. You might have dependent personality disorder, which is characterized by an intense fear of being alone or needing others to take care of you. The difference is that separation anxiety usually affects only the primary attachment relationship in your life, while dependent personality disorder can lead to larger patterns of anxiety in all of your relationships.
Getting the right diagnosis is the first step to getting the treatment you deserve.
What causes separation anxiety in relationships?
Separation anxiety in relationships can happen for many reasons. It often starts with patterns formed early in life. People with an anxious attachment style may have grown up with caregivers who were distant or inconsistent. As adults, they may worry about being left or rejected, especially when their partner or spouse isn’t around.
Sometimes, separation anxiety comes from abandonment trauma — painful experiences of loss or instability in childhood or past relationships. These memories can make even short separations feel scary or overwhelming.
It can also appear in people with borderline personality disorder (BPD). A strong fear of abandonment is common in BPD, and even small changes in closeness can cause intense worry, sadness, or anger.
Understanding what causes your separation anxiety is the first step toward change. When you know where it comes from, you and your partner can start building trust, balance, and emotional safety together.
Is separation anxiety a bad thing?
It isn’t necessarily a bad thing to feel sad or miss your partner when they’re away. But separation anxiety disorder is when the sadness and distress becomes extreme and inappropriate. This type of separation anxiety not only causes you emotional pain, but it’s likely damaging your relationship as well.
Some of the potential consequences that separation anxiety could have on your relationship include:
Enmeshed relationship: You and your partner may start to lose your sense of individual identity. You might avoid doing anything alone, even if it’s something you used to enjoy — and over time, this can lead to an enmeshed relationship, burnout, or resentment for one or both of you.
Codependency: If you’re always distressed and anxious when your partner leaves, it may create a dynamic where your emotional stability depends entirely on their presence. Your partner may start to feel like they can’t ever leave or take time for themselves without upsetting you. This isn’t a healthy dynamic and could lead to frustration or resentment.
Ways to cope with separation anxiety in a relationship
Most people — both children and adults — who have diagnosable separation anxiety disorder need professional mental health treatment. Even if you don’t meet the criteria for a diagnosis, you may still be affected by mild to moderate separation anxiety in your relationship. If you’ve been experiencing these symptoms for longer than six months, or if it’s impacting your ability to build healthy relationships, therapy may be a helpful next step.
Here’s how to cope:
Acknowledge the problem
When you live with separation anxiety, and every goodbye — no matter how temporary — is painful, it can be easy to start blaming your partner for how you feel. You might feel like if they didn’t leave you, then you’d never have to feel this way. But it’s important to recognize separation anxiety for what it is.
Acknowledge that you live with separation anxiety and it has become a problem in your relationship. Recognizing this allows you to take ownership of your feelings and focus on getting the support you need.
Communicate with your partner
If you’ve realized that you live with separation anxiety, it’s essential to communicate this with your partner. When your partner is aware that you live with this condition, they can learn about how it affects you and how they can best support your needs.
Redefine what it means to be “alone”
Sometimes, separation anxiety may come from a more general fear of being alone. It’s important to redefine what alone time means for you. It might help to identify fun and meaningful activities that you can do without your partner. Try to use your alone time focusing on yourself and meeting your own needs.
Avoid compulsive reassurance seeking
When you’re anxious because your partner is away, you may feel the urge to constantly contact them to ask for reassurance — whether that’s reassurance that they still love you or simply that they’re OK. But seeking reassurance in this way can become a compulsive behavior, which can keep you trapped in a cycle of anxiety.
Constant reassurance seeking may also upset your partner and make them feel like they need to spend all of their time away comforting you. Instead of contacting your partner constantly, try using healthy distractions — like watching a favorite show, journaling, or calling a friend.
Work with a therapist
A therapist can help you explore the root of your separation anxiety and learn tools to manage it. This might include cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which can help you challenge anxious thoughts, or attachment-focused therapy, which can help you understand and heal patterns from past relationships. Therapy also gives you a safe space to talk through how your anxiety affects your relationship and uncover coping strategies that work for you.
Clinician's take
Separation anxiety can sometimes show up as needing constant reassurance or feeling uneasy when apart from a partner, which can be mistaken for being ‘really in love.’ Therapy can help you understand these patterns, build secure connections, and create space for love that feels both close and emotionally balanced.
Find care with Rula
Separation anxiety can put a strain on both your mental health and your relationship, but support is available. Whether you’re dealing with symptoms that meet the criteria for a diagnosis or simply feeling overwhelmed when your partner leaves, therapy can help you build emotional resilience. This can lead to a more secure attachment to your partner.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
