Self-deprecation is a common strategy to help people appear more humble or likable.
Putting yourself down — even as a joke — can impact your confidence, sense of self, and overall well-being.
Therapy can help you increase self-awareness and develop the skills to challenge harmful thought patterns and behaviors.
Self-deprecation is when you downplay or dismiss your abilities and achievements. For many people, self-deprecating comments are a way to relate to others, disarm criticism, or defuse tense situations. But when this becomes your default mentality, it can do more harm than good.
Recognizing the signs of self-deprecation can help you cultivate a more positive mindset and embrace both your strengths and weaknesses.
Signs you’re self-deprecating
Self-deprecation is pretty common, but context and intent matter. For example, let’s say you make a minor error at work. There’s a difference between joking with your boss and viewing it as a personal failure. For instance, self-deprecating humor might sound like, “Seems like I can’t get out of weekend mode.” But if you start to believe what you’re saying, self-deprecation can affect your mental well-being.
When self-deprecating humor feels second nature, it may be a sign that your comments are more than a harmless joke.
These signs might mean self-deprecation has become an unhealthy habit:
You make jokes at your own expense. You make yourself the punchline, even when there’s no need. You might say something like, “Leave it up to me to mess this up!”
You struggle to recognize your strengths. You’re more likely to identify with your flaws and mistakes than your strengths.
You downplay your achievements. You instinctively minimize your success, even with people you know and trust.
You always put others before yourself — even at your own expense. You acknowledge other people’s hard work before your own. Sometimes, you might even put down your own contributions. You might say something like, “Oh, I didn’t contribute anything useful.”
You avoid new challenges. You may be less likely to explore new situations and challenges.
Why we tend to self-deprecate
Self-deprecation can serve many purposes.
Sometimes it's lighthearted and helps people connect with others. It's a way to build connections [1], appear more relatable, or ease tense situations. Let’s say you’re hosting a client meeting, and your presentation doesn’t load. You might say something like, "Thanks for your patience everyone. It seems like technology is winning this round."
In other cases, self-deprecation comes from self-doubt or fear of being judged. This type of behavior can also be a defense mechanism for failure and disappointment. By pointing out your flaws, you may feel like you’re protecting yourself from others doing it first. If you’re nervous about meeting your partner’s friends for the first time, you might say something like, “I hope they like me. I can be a little awkward when I first meet people.”
In other cases, self-deprecation may be linked to challenges like narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and insecure attachment styles. Self-deprecating comments can be a way to seek attention or manipulate others into doing what you want. This might sound like, “Why would anyone want to care about what I want?”
The impact of putting yourself down
Self-deprecation may seem harmless, but it can begin to impact your relationship with yourself and others. When you’re constantly putting yourself down, it can make other people feel uncomfortable. They may not know how to respond or could interpret your behaviors as needy and attention seeking.
Self-deprecation can also affect your credibility and reputation. When you only have negative things to say about yourself, others may begin to believe it. It can influence how people treat you and undermine your ability to make meaningful connections.
Beyond this, self-deprecating behavior may affect the way you view yourself. It’s associated with lower self-esteem [2], confidence, and emotional well-being. Over time, it may even contribute to mental health challenges like anxiety and depression [3].
How to stop belittling yourself
Self-deprecation can be a difficult cycle to break, but it's possible with self-awareness and support. With the following steps, you can overcome harmful thought patterns and replace them with a more empowering perspective.
Challenge negative thoughts. The next time you notice yourself being self-critical, take a minute to pause. Ask yourself why you’re having this negative thought and if there’s any truth to it.
Reframe your perspective. Self-deprecation can involve cognitive distortions like overgeneralization and black-and-white thinking. Recognizing these thought patterns can help you find a more balanced perspective.
Keep a journal. Journaling is an opportunity to identify and reflect on thought patterns and behaviors that may impact your mental health.
Learn to accept compliments. The next time someone pays you a compliment, choose to accept their praise. It may be uncomfortable at first, but eventually you'll learn to appreciate their words and how they make you feel.
Increase self compassion. We’re often our own worst critics, but it’s important to talk to yourself like you would a good friend. Cultivating greater compassion for yourself can help increase happiness, resilience, and inner strength.
If your way of thinking is impacting your well-being or quality of life, it may be time to seek professional support. Therapy can help you identify what’s causing any fears or insecurities that are contributing to your mindset. It’s also a chance to develop the skills to adopt a more positive outlook.
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One of the biggest clues is that they can't accept a compliment without immediately putting themselves down or making a joke. When self-deprecating humor becomes their default response, it often signals that they're protecting themselves from rejection rather than simply trying to make others laugh.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
Find care with Rula
Many people employ self-deprecating humor to navigate new or uncomfortable situations. But when this becomes a habit or you begin to internalize self-critical thoughts, it may be worth working with someone who can help. Therapy can help you challenge harmful thought patterns and explore healthier ways to connect with others.
At Rula, we’re here to help you feel better. Rula makes it easy to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who takes your insurance. That way, you don’t have to choose between great care and a price you can afford.
Rula patients pay about $15 per session with insurance, and 93% say they feel better after getting care through Rula. We have 21,000+ providers, and appointments are available as soon as tomorrow. We’re here to help you take the next step — wherever you are in your mental health journey.
References
- Why self-deprecating? Achieving ‘oneness’ in conversation https://www.researchgate.net/publication/261673777_Why_self-deprecating_Achieving_%27oneness%27_in_conversation
- Self-esteem and perceived regard: how I see myself affects my relationship satisfaction https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19425354/
- Cognitive Distortions, Humor Styles, and Depression https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4991044/
Alex Bachert
Alex Bachert is a freelance copywriter and mental health advocate. Since earning her masters degree in public health, she has focused her career on creating informative content that empowers people to prioritize their health and well-being. Alex has partnered with organizations like Ro, WellTheory, and Firsthand, and her work has been recognized by the Digital Health Association.
When she’s not writing about mental health, Alex is usually playing pickleball, meeting with her local board of health, or enjoying time with her three kids.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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