The psychology behind the silent treatment

When you’re in a conflict with someone you love, one of the most painful experiences is to be given the silent treatment. The silent treatment is when someone ignores or refuses to communicate with another person. You want to work the problem out, but the other person refuses to speak with you.

It’s often used to express anger, disappointment, or control — but the silent treatment isn’t a healthy way to resolve conflict. It’s not always a form of abuse, but it can be. Therapy can help you deal with the silent treatment and learn healthier ways of communicating.

Why the silent treatment can be toxic

Sometimes, people give the silent treatment to punish someone or to hurt them intentionally. Other times, it’s not intentional and is more a result of not knowing how else to communicate. Either way, it can still be psychologically damaging to the person on the receiving end.

The research behind the silent treatment is still lacking. But it’s often recognized ^[1] as a type of psychological aggression or emotional abuse. It’s a way to convey your disappointment or anger toward another person in hopes the other person will give into their views or demands.

Silent treatment can look like:

• Refusing to acknowledge or respond when someone speaks to you

• Walking away or leaving the room mid-conversation

• Ignoring calls, texts, or messages for long periods

• Acting as if the person doesn’t exist or isn’t worth responding to

Although the silent treatment is often linked to certain conditions, like narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), you don’t need to be a narcissist to engage in this behavior. Research shows ^[1] that giving the silent treatment is a common phenomenon across different cultures and groups. It can also happen in any type of relationship, including between partners, between a parent and child, and among peers.

The silent treatment can have intensely damaging consequences on the person receiving it. It’s often intended as a way to isolate or ostracize the other person. It can also be used as a means to control or punish. Receiving this treatment can make people feel sad, lonely, or anxious. It can lead to shame and low self-worth too. 

The silent treatment is different from a person pausing the conflict to take a break. During arguments, people can become emotionally flooded and need space to decompress and process the issue at hand on their own. During this time, people may be more distant and not engage as they normally would. This can be a healthy way to self regulate and is not the same as ignoring someone out of control or manipulation.

What to do when you’re met with silence

If someone is giving you the silent treatment, you may be feeling hurt and confused. How to respond to it depends on the relationship you want to have with the other person and if it’s a relationship you want to try to improve.

You can protect your mental health and respond to the silent treatment in these ways: 

Avoid self-blame

It’s easy to start wondering what you did wrong to deserve the silent treatment. But regardless of how angry the other person is with you, you deserve basic communication. Try to avoid blaming yourself. Recognize the silent treatment for what it is: an unhealthy communication pattern that has nothing to do with you.

Don’t get into power struggles

People might give the silent treatment as a way to regain power and control in relationships. Avoid engaging in power struggles by responding with assertiveness, not anger. You might calmly acknowledge what’s happening and let them know you’re open to talking when they’re ready. Then, focus on protecting your own peace instead of trying to “win” the interaction.

Consider opening communication

If you want to maintain a relationship with the person, consider opening lines of communication. Focus on expressing how you feel when they give you the silent treatment — instead of focusing on their character flaws. 

For example, don’t say, “You’re so immature for not talking to me.” Instead, you might say something like, “When you stop talking to me, I feel hurt and unsure how to make things right. I’d rather talk it out together.”

Set limits and consequences

Don’t be afraid to set boundaries around what type of behavior you’ll accept. You don’t need to continue trying to communicate with someone who consistently gives you the silent treatment — especially if they’re doing it intentionally to hurt you. 

Set limits with direct statements like, “If you stop talking to me for days at a time, I’m going to step back from this relationship until we can communicate in a healthier way.”

Seek professional support

The silent treatment can be painful to experience. It can also be linked to other types of emotional abuse. Talking to a therapist can help you process your feelings, strengthen your boundaries, and learn to respond in ways that protect your emotional well-being. If you want to improve the relationship, couples or family therapy can help as well.

If you feel unsafe in your relationship or are experiencing psychological abuse, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org for free, confidential support 24/7.

Overcoming your own urge to go silent

Giving the silent treatment isn’t always due to a desire to intentionally harm someone. Sometimes it could be because of other factors, like:

• Not knowing how to express your feelings

• Wanting to avoid vulnerability and conflict

• Needing to maintain a level of control

Giving the silent treatment doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. But this behavior can become toxic and hurtful toward the person you’re directing it to, even if it’s unintended. The silent treatment also isn’t effective. It doesn’t help you communicate, and it doesn’t help resolve the conflict.

Instead of resorting to the silent treatment when you’re upset, try these communication tips instead:

• Communicate the basics. You may be so overwhelmed with emotion that you need some time to sort them out. That’s OK. You don’t need to communicate all of your emotions perfectly right away. But communicate the basics instead of going silent. For example, you might say something like, “I’m not ready to talk about this now, but I’ll check in with you when I feel like I can express myself.”

• Identify the root cause. Try to identify what’s causing you to go silent when you’re upset. For example, is it fear of being rejected or dismissed? Is it growing up in an environment where conflict wasn’t handled openly? When you can identify the root of the behavior, you may be able to catch yourself earlier and express your needs more directly.

• Improve emotional literacy. Sometimes, we give the silent treatment because we don’t know how else to express our emotions. Emotions might feel so overwhelming to you that you don’t know how to describe them in words. Improving emotional literacy means expanding your emotional vocabulary and learning how to identify different feelings within yourself.

• Talk to a therapist. A therapist can help you understand the deeper reasons behind your communication patterns and teach you new, healthier ways to manage conflict. Over time, you can learn to tolerate difficult emotions, express your needs clearly, and build stronger, more secure relationships.

Clinician’s take

The silent treatment often feels so painful because it creates a sudden emotional void. When someone withdraws without explanation, your mind fills the silence with worry, self-blame, or fear of losing the relationship. Open communication can help clarify these uncomfortable moments.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer