Breaks can offer a helpful pause from intense emotions and relationship conflict. They can give you time to yourself to clarify your vision for the future.
If you decide to take a break in your relationship, it’s a good idea to set some ground rules with your partner beforehand. Otherwise, they could feel confused, which may add more stress.
Even if you decide to end the relationship after a break, time apart can be a healthy part of your relationship’s evolution. Couples therapy can help you navigate this chapter.
You might consider taking a break from your relationship for a variety of reasons. Also referred to as trial separations, these temporary splits can give you some time to think about how to best move forward in a relationship.
Breaks can be healthy or unhealthy, depending on the intent behind them and whether both parties are on the same page. Some couples reunite after a break and become stronger because of it. Other couples ultimately decide to make the separation permanent and break up. Both outcomes are possible, and no two couples are exactly alike. But learning more about the pros and cons of taking a break can help you determine if it’s the right option for you and your partner.
Why couples may decide to take a break
The decision to take a break is highly personal. Couples might choose to take a break because:
There’s been a near-constant cycle of arguing and disagreements. The stress level in the relationship is at an all-time high, and things aren’t getting better. Whenever you attempt to solve things, you wind up fighting.
You aren’t aligned on next steps in your relationship. For example, maybe one person might want to elevate the commitment while the other person isn’t sure. Or maybe one partner receives a job offer that requires relocating, and the other isn’t sure if they want to move with or pursue a long-distance relationship.
The relationship has become unbalanced. One of you has been pouring more resources into the relationship than the other person, and resentment is building. The person contributing more may need time away to prioritize their needs and reclaim their energy before deciding how to move forward.
Neither of you is sure if you want to continue the relationship. In this case, a trial separation may give you a glimpse into what life would be like without the other person. This insight can help you make a more informed decision for your future.
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Signs you should take a break
Breaks can be helpful as long as you’re both aligned on the intention behind them. The goal should be to take time apart to reflect, de-stress, and consider your individual needs. That way, you can come back together prepared to work things out, if that’s what you both want.
Signs that your relationship could benefit from a break include:
You’re having a hard time communicating due to anger or frustration.
You’re moving apart.
You feel like you’ve lost your sense of self.
You’re not sure what you want or need, and you need time alone to reflect.
Signs of a deeper problem
There’s no guarantee that taking a break will help heal your relationship. It’s possible that what was meant to be a temporary pause turns into a permanent breakup. You know your relationship best, and breaks aren’t the right choice for every couple.
A break will likely not solve your relationship issues if:
You feel disdain or disgust for your partner.
You’ve fallen out of love with your partner.
Your partner has seriously hurt you and hasn’t taken steps to make amends.
You feel trapped in your relationship.
You feel controlled by your partner.
Your lifestyles are no longer compatible.
You have very different visions for your future.
You and your partner can’t agree on the purpose or ground rules for a break.
Does taking a break really work?
Research [1] on the effectiveness of breaks points to the importance of being on the same page before attempting a temporary separation. In other words, breaks are more likely to “work” if partners have a shared understanding of what the break is intended for and whether or not the goal is to get back together at the end of it. Without this clarity, ambiguous breaks can increase stress in already-strained relationships.
Healthy benefits of taking a break
An intentional break can help calm emotional intensity, interrupt cycles of conflict or reactivity, and give you time to think. It can provide an opportunity to do some soul-searching, self-care, and self-reflection so that you have a clearer picture of what you need — whether that means breaking up permanently or getting back together.
The downsides of taking a break
Without being aligned on the structure or goals for your separation, breaks can have some disadvantages. If they’re not used thoughtfully, breaks can provide an avenue for avoidance. This means that the underlying issues won’t be addressed, so problems can’t be solved. Ambiguous breaks can also be confusing and leave you feeling like you’re living in a painful “limbo,” not knowing what to expect.
Tips for a healthy and effective break
A break can be healthy, even if it leads to a breakup.
These tips can help you have a healthy and effective time apart:
Set ground rules. Be clear on the intended length of the break before you take it. Having an agreed-upon end date in mind can help make the experience less stressful. You may also want to discuss how you want to proceed if one person wants to stop the break before the scheduled ending.
Align on communication. Decide whether or not you want the break to be no contact. If you’ll remain in touch, align on expectations for frequency, method, etc.
Get creative if you live together. If you cohabitate, you might need to get creative, but you can still take time apart. This might mean sleeping in separate rooms, taking turns with common spaces, or whatever setup works best for your living situation.
Decide who needs to know. Discuss how you’ll communicate about your break with other people. Not everyone needs to know about this change in your relationship status. But some people will need to be looped in. For example, if you have children, share this information in a sensitive, developmentally appropriate way [2].
Use the time as intended. Prioritize self-care, lean on your support system, and reflect on the relationship during the break. Consider how you might want to show up differently in the relationship once the break is over and where you might be able to offer compromise.
Be kind. If you decide to end things permanently, try to do so in a way that honors the person you were once in a caring relationship with. Breakups can be painful, but they don’t have to be disrespectful. As long as it's safe to do so, try to communicate authentically about your choice and demonstrate compassion throughout this process.
A common problem is starting a break with no clear plan. Without structure, people feel confused or hurt instead of supported. I usually guide couples to set simple agreements about communication, boundaries, and the length of the break so the time apart feels safe and has a real purpose.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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Taking a break from our relationship can provide much-needed time to decompress, de-stress, and think about your needs. They can also offer a reprieve from conflict, emotional intensity, and reactivity. But without intention, clarity, and structure, breaks can increase stress amid existing instability.
Breaks tend to work better when partners align on expectations and goals for the separation ahead of time. A couples counselor can help you process the ups and downs of your relationship, take a break with intention, and decide how to move forward in ways that support both partners’ well-being.
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References
- The Lived Experience of Ambiguous Marital Separation: A Phenomenological Study https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7383873/
- Divorce https://sesameworkshop.org/topics/divorce/
Liz Talago
Liz Talago, M.ed. is a mental health professional turned content writer and strategist based in the Detroit metro area. As an independent consultant for mental health organizations, Liz creates meaningful connections between brands and their audiences through strategic storytelling. Liz is known for championing diverse perspectives within the mental health industry and translating bold ideas into inspiring, affirming digital experiences.
In her free time, you can find her hiking with her two German Shepherds, puttering around her dahlia garden, or spending time with her family.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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