Supporting a grieving teen after loss

It’s never easy to lose someone you love, no matter your age. But for teenagers — who are already navigating a complex developmental stage — grief can be a uniquely challenging process. Understanding how teens deal with grief can help you to better support them.

Research shows that many young people will experience significant loss before they enter adulthood. Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, over 140,000 youth in the U.S. lost a parent or caregiver, with a larger proportion among youth of color. More than 6% of the U.S. population will experience the death of a parent, and another 1.5% will experience the death of a sibling before age 18. These devastating losses can result in significant emotional trauma that can remain with teens throughout their lives. 

If a teen in your life has experienced the death of a friend or loved one, don’t hesitate to connect them with a mental health professional. There are therapists who are skilled in providing grief and loss support to young people and their families.

How does grief affect a teenager?

If you know a teen who’s experienced a loss, it’s important to remember that they can be grieving whether or not you see signs of it. Grieving is the internal emotional experience of losing someone you care about. It can involve deep sadness, anger, confusion, disbelief, and many other emotions. 

Mourning, on the other hand, is the external representation of grief. These experiences are related, but they’re not one and the same. Some teens, just like adults, may have a hard time mourning openly. 

If they don’t express how they’re feeling right after a loss, some signs that may indicate a teen’s need for extra support include:

• Engaging in risky behaviors (e.g., substance misuse, speeding, etc.)
• Pushing their family away  
• Trying to act as a caregiver for others or be seen as strong
• Withdrawing from friends or activities they used to enjoy
• Having difficulty regulating their emotions
• Experiencing survivor’s guilt
• Feeling anxiety about their safety or the safety of others
• Demonstrating a depressed or low mood
• Seeming constantly on edge
• Experiencing increased sensory sensitivity
• Having nightmares or flashbacks
• Exhibiting a sudden loss or increase in appetite
• Having trouble paying attention
• Demonstrating perfectionism
• Experiencing new academic challenges
• Engaging in self-harm or suicidal ideation*

*A note on safety: Depending on the severity of the loss and the circumstances, grieving teens may experience an increased risk of suicidality. If you or a teen in your life is having thoughts of harming themselves, don’t hesitate to ask for help. You can contact the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 from any phone. Their counselors will provide confidential support and resources to help keep you safe.

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Healthy ways for a teenager to deal with the loss of a loved one

Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross describes the stages of grief that many people experience after a loss in her book, “On Death and Dying.” But it’s important to remember that grieving isn’t a linear process. Teens can move back and forth between the stages of grief on their own timelines. 

And while each person will grieve in their own way, here’s an example of what these stages might look like for a teen:

• Denial: After the sudden loss of their best friend in a car accident, a teen may struggle to believe that it really happened and that the loss is permanent.
• Anger: The teen might feel anger toward the friend they lost because they feel abandoned and alone. 
• Bargaining: If the teen believes in a higher power, they might try to negotiate ways to bring their friend back. For example, they might pray and say they’ll do anything their higher power asks if they reverse the tragedy.
• Depression: The teen might feel sad, hopeless, fatigued, agitated, or guilty, and they may begin to isolate themselves. 
• Acceptance: In time, the teen will come to terms with their loss. But this doesn’t mean they won’t still miss the person who passed away. At this stage, they may be ready to commemorate the person’s life and begin channeling their energy toward moving forward.

How can you help a teen cope with grief?

While not all grieving teens will experience grief in the same way, experiencing an unexpected or traumatic loss can negatively impact a teen’s health and well-being. For example, the sudden loss of a parent has been shown to increase the risk of suicidality and mortality in young people. That’s why it’s so important that teens have access to a strong support network in the face of loss. 

Witnessing your teen grieve can be a difficult experience, and, while you can’t take away the hurt of the loss, there are some things you can do to help them during this difficult time.

Model healthy grieving

In addition to talking to your teen about their loss, one of the best things you can do to support them is to model healthy grieving. As a parent or guardian, you might be tempted to shield them from your own sadness. But this can signal that it’s not OK to express uncomfortable emotions or mourn outwardly. Instead, allow your teen to witness your grieving process.

Talk to your teen about their grief

When you talk to your teen about their loss, offer reassurance and let them know that there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Gently express that you’re there for them and willing to listen, but don’t try to force them to act in a particular way. 

If they’re engaging in destructive or risky behavior, you’ll need to intervene to keep them safe. Otherwise, let them express their emotions — whatever they may be — and remind them that they’re not alone. You can also invite them to participate in mourning activities (like planning a memorial service or engaging in a favorite activity of the deceased). But again, let your teen decide when and if they’re ready to participate.

Encourage grief therapy

The teenage years are a time of seeking independence. Young people at this age often begin to differentiate themselves from their families and rely on their peers for connection and support. This might make some teens hesitant to open up to their parents or other family members. 

In these situations, grief counseling can be a highly effective form of support for grieving teenagers. They can work one on one with a grief counselor and/or join a grief support group, either in person or online, to connect with other young people who understand what they’re going through.

Find care with Rula

There’s never an easy time to lose someone you love, but it can be an especially complex process for teens. Fortunately, there are things you can do to support a grieving young person in your life. Start by allowing them to witness your own grief and have supportive, nonjudgmental conversations about the loss. Additionally, grief therapy can help your teen learn more about the stages of grief, develop healthy coping skills, and begin to move forward in healthy ways. 

Rula’s therapist-matching program helps you find grief support you can access from the comfort of home. Our network of over 15,000 providers makes it easy for you to choose an in-network grief therapist who’s right for you. In just a few minutes, you can schedule your first live video appointment as soon as tomorrow.

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